Tuesday, August 11, 2020

Another Pregnancy Announcement

Pregnancy announcements used to REALLY bother me. It was so hard to manage my feelings of jealousy and sadness. Now that I'm not trying to get pregnant anymore, they bother me less. Usually.

I was texted the news of someone's pregnancy recently. In the past I appreciated being texted this information. That way I could feel my feelings without masking my initial reaction. Then I could set my own feelings aside and express a genuine congratulations. Well, that's how it was for me in the past. Like I said, pregnancy announcements just don't bother me like they used to.

But leave it to my family...

My sister texted my other sister and me to tell us that her oldest stepdaughter is pregnant. Just typing that brought a lump in my throat. Because it's remembering the text. She didn't just tell me privately (which I would've preferred) and she didn't just tell us the news. She sent the cutesy pictures that the couple used to promote, er announce, their pregnancy and she also texted a video. I did not watch the video.


That was my honest first reaction. This totally changes the family dynamics now. This changes all of the holidays. In my jump-to-extremes mind, this changed EVERYTHING.

But it doesn't. It just means that my sister is becoming a grandmother and my parents will become great-grandparents. Hopefully, all goes well with the pregnancy and delivery (something only fertility-challenged women think about with every single pregnancy announcement we hear) and then life will go on. 

I already vented to my boyfriend, saying I had no interest in spending any holiday this year with a pregnant woman. Then I complained about how googly-eyed my parents get nowadays when they're around a baby or toddler and how it makes me sad and uncomfortable. I got annoyed ahead of time and told him that my sister better not text me any newborn pics. I basically just said every ugly thought I had.

I don't like my feelings. They're not nice. But I accept them. I'm not going to hate myself for having them, which would only make me feel worse. I know these feelings come from a place of deep pain. I can practice having patience and compassion with myself as I continue to heal. I know I am happy for my sister's stepdaughter. I don't wish infertility on anyone.

Also, there is a pandemic and what I'm complaining about already (the holidays and time spent with family) may not even happen this year! So as soon as I complain about a not-even-planned-yet holiday season, I remember how lucky and fortunate we will all be if we can even get together in just three and a half months.


I don't feel like I'm writing very clearly, but there are a couple of points I wanted to make here:

  1. Pregnancy announcements no longer bother me like they used to.

  2. Except sometimes a particular announcement will still catch me off guard apparently.

  3. I don't like that I have not-nice feelings about it all still, but I also don't judge myself for it.

  4. Pregnant family members or no pregnant family members, we should all be so lucky to be able to travel and gather with loved ones again this year.


  1. These are very good points. I am glad you don't judge yourself. Let the feelings come and then go.

    I can however totally relate to this. A pregnancy announcement to us that is sensitive, that acknowledges it might be hard for us, is one thing. A "look at my scan" or with cutesy videos is sick-making! (I still shake my head at my friend who, having received an email from me that we'd had a second ectopic and I was just out of hospital, sent me by return email the news that they were pregnant and "here's the scan photo!" The sheer effort he made to be callous and self-centred was extraordinary!) And pregnancies/new babies do change family dynamics. I avoided a major family birthday because there would be a new baby there (and our last IVF had just failed). Yet now, years later, I have a great relationship (as much as distance allows) with that baby.

    1. Yes, I think that's what bothered me the most. The news came from my sister and wasn't given to me with any regard for what I've been through, which is pretty major. Thank you for helping me understand that Mali.

  2. I totally understand what you mean. I was asked today to help a girl friend to do babysitting. She does not know why I do not have kids. I have a very mixed feeling: I am happy that she treats me as others with kids. I do not know if I can do that well.....

    1. I'm glad your friend doesn't treat you any differently. I hate being treated differently just because I don't have kids. It's still hard though. I get it.