Since my last post I've been thinking about how much pregnancy announcements used to upset me and how little they usually do now. Mainly, I've been thinking about why that is. And I think it's because kids grow up.
I don't want to be pregnant anymore. (Well, truthfully, I was never thrilled about the idea of being pregnant in the first place. The whole thing sounded scary to me. And now I've been through IVF, ha! I'm so brave I don't recognize myself. Except I do. Because I am damn proud of my growth.) But back to pregnancy, I was willing to go through it for the outcome: being a mom and getting to raise that little person. But not now. Not anymore. I resolved to create a life I want to live after surviving infertility without my children.
Had I become a mom through pregnancy or adoption, I would be way past the baby stage now. I love the human lifespan. That may sound weird, but it's true. I am probably the most people-loving, extrovert-presenting introvert you'd ever meet. But out of the entire lifespan, babies interest me the least. They are a little bit fascinating, but at this point in my life I'm not having one and they aren't part of my job so I just really don't care. Sorry not sorry?
I wouldn't even be in the toddler stage anymore.
If things had gone as planned, I'd have two kids in elementary school.
My kids would be growing up.
Kids grow up. It sounds so obvious, but it's easy to forget when you're in the thick of it. Trying to get pregnant, hearing others' pregnancy announcements, watching your friends and sisters and cousins and well, at the time it feels like everyone but you, have babies and then toddlers and then more babies. But then that's it. A decade flies by. They're little kids and then big kids. They're pre-teens and then teenagers. And before you know it, they've become young adults, regardless of whether or not they've achieved financial independence. It's true. They grow up so fast.
My years spent teaching and then my years spent in agonizing infertility limbo gave me perspective. Time goes on even when it's standing still. It's just like the saying goes: the days are long, but the years are short. I think that's why pregnancy announcements don't usually hurt now. I know how fleeting everything is.
That's a good perspective to present. Because when we're trying to get pregnant, that is the focus. I always say that I think it gets easier, because our kids now (whether from pregnancy losses or failed conception or adoption efforts) would be so much older. My second ectopic baby would be about to turn 17 (in a few weeks). But because I never knew them at 3 or 5 or 10, or 12, or 15, it becomes more of a theoretical exercise. It gets easier.
ReplyDeleteI had a birth announcement this morning - my niece, who was a baby (gulp) at my wedding, had her long-awaited son. I was simply delighted for her. I know she had feared infertility (she has PCOS). And because I'm so past the baby thing, as you say, it is easy to feel happy for her and love him.
Great post!
I agree! As time goes on, it does become more of a theoretical exercise.
DeleteAnd congrats to your niece and to you! I am so glad she isn't experiencing infertility and I'm also glad that it is easy for you to feel happy for her. :)
Dear Phoenix, I am glad to hear that pregnancy announcements don't usually upset you that much anymore. It is true that things become easier with time. I must admit that I never dreamed of having a teenager (who is slamming the door and making arguments) - I dreamed of holding my own baby. So once that stage passed with friends and family, I felt less vulnerable and actually started enjoying other people's kids to a limited extent (my nieces/nephews and godchildren). Wishing you a lovely weekend!
ReplyDeleteYes, agreed! I work with children, so I can get my "kid fix" there. But I really wanted to hold my baby and read to my toddler. It's easier knowing my own children would be past that stage now.
DeleteHope you had an enjoyable weekend too! I am slowly but surely getting unpacked and settled, and last night I quilted for several hours. It was a lot of fun. :)
This is very true! We focus so much on pregnancy & babies, we forget that those babies grow up, very quickly, and become their own persons. I had a boss who had two boys... she freely admitted she found babies very boring, but she absolutely loved it once her sons got to be around 10-12 & she could really talk to them about a whole lot of things. On the flipside, I have friends who are/were totally gaga over babies -- but once those babies turned into toddlers (& later TEENAGERS -- both harder to control, lol) they became a whole lots less enchanting. ;)
ReplyDeleteI might have been jealous of my friends' babies, not so much of some of their teenagers, lol. And I certainly don't envy parents right now who have been dealing with children during this pandemic, and the question of whether or not to send them back to school in a few weeks...!
That makes sense. I think different people like different stages better. I've taught kids ranging in age from 3 to 18. There's parts I love (and don't love haha) about each stage.
DeleteI don't envy people parenting during a pandemic. I feel the worst for the kids in all of this. All of their fun stuff like sports and recitals and camps got canceled. And their parents get no respite so I bet a lot of them are cranky by now. It's just hard all around right now. <3
There was a long while where watching my friends' (especially my infertility friends) kids grow from babies to toddlers to children made me insanely sad. It amplified the milestones that I'd never have, and the amazing length of time that had passed, where their lives diverged from mine. But there's positives to it, too...my best friend has three children relatively close in age and for the longest time we could only talk in 4 minute increments while she hid in the bathroom or escaped to go to Target...now that her kids are older we're able to talk more and it hurts way less.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you--the pandemic has me grateful not to have kids. I don't know how my friends are doing it, especially my friends who are also teachers. It's a lot, and they're all cooped up, and it's exhausting. Silver lining right there. But yeah, I'm worried for the kids when we go back to school for students in two weeks... this is definitely having an impact on their social/emotional development.
Yes, that was a very difficult time for me as well--watching some of my closest friends' children grow from babies to toddlers to little kids. Now I've been around long enough to see several cycles of it amongst family and friends and it doesn't bother me like it used to. It's less alluring to me and more ordinary now.
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