I woke up missing my children today. The feeling was unrealized, lurking just below the surface.
I was scrolling through posts on my phone and saw a cute picture of someone else's toddlers in a blanket fort in a living room in Somewhere, USA. It wasn't anyone I knew. It was some repost from a children's author or an artist or some account like that...
But suddenly, I felt a visceral longing in my heart and being that will never be filled. My son or daughter never got to be a big brother or big sister to my other son or daughter. They didn't get to build living room blanket forts, play together, and antagonize each other. I didn't get to hear them laugh and bicker. And I felt profoundly sad.
It's true. I never got that and I never will.
At the same time, I know if things had gone as planned my children would be way past that stage now. As their mother, I know I would still be sad. I know I would still have that longing in my heart for those days, those times. But I would be comforted by my memories and photo albums and the joys of the new little things in the present moment. It would be bittersweet but not tragic.
*****
It's important that I recognize these moments when they happen. It's important that I let myself feel the hard stuff when it surfaces. My losses are significant. I am allowed to grieve.
It is important. And I send warm hugs in acknowledgement of your grief. I can't remember if I wrote about it, but a month or two ago (or longer?) my sister-in-law sent a short clip of her husband (my husband's brother) interacting with two of their teenage kids, and they were arguing and laughing and it was noisy and happy and was like a gut punch to me. I missed that with my kids too, who would have been the same age. It took a while to get over that. These things do happen. We're allowed to grieve. In fact, we have to grieve, so that we can continue to move forward.
ReplyDeleteThank you Mali. I appreciate you sharing your own similar experience. <3 I agree with you. It's important for us to grieve so we can continue to move forward.
DeleteI agree with you and Mali: These things do happen. We're allowed to grieve.
ReplyDeletesending you a big hug from sLOVEnia,
Klara
Your big hug is well received! Thank you Klara. <3
DeleteYes. Your losses are significant and worth grieving. Sometimes it floats closer to the surface. This time of year is definitely tough for those sneak attack moments. I hander seen a photo or a post and been smacked with the massive unfairness of all that was lost, of all that never came to be. It's so hard mourning a dream that felt so real, so possible, because so many don't understand just how real and visceral that grief is. Sending you love and understanding, my friend.
ReplyDeleteYou're right. This time of year is a bit more tender. <3 Thank you Jess!
Deletea big hug from me too!
ReplyDeleteThank you TingTing! <3
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