Tuesday, November 24, 2020

Missing My Children

I woke up missing my children today. The feeling was unrealized, lurking just below the surface. 

I was scrolling through posts on my phone and saw a cute picture of someone else's toddlers in a blanket fort in a living room in Somewhere, USA. It wasn't anyone I knew. It was some repost from a children's author or an artist or some account like that... 

But suddenly, I felt a visceral longing in my heart and being that will never be filled. My son or daughter never got to be a big brother or big sister to my other son or daughter. They didn't get to build living room blanket forts, play together, and antagonize each other. I didn't get to hear them laugh and bicker. And I felt profoundly sad. 

It's true. I never got that and I never will.

At the same time, I know if things had gone as planned my children would be way past that stage now. As their mother, I know I would still be sad. I know I would still have that longing in my heart for those days, those times. But I would be comforted by my memories and photo albums and the joys of the new little things in the present moment. It would be bittersweet but not tragic.

*****

It's important that I recognize these moments when they happen. It's important that I let myself feel the hard stuff when it surfaces. My losses are significant. I am allowed to grieve.

8 comments:

  1. It is important. And I send warm hugs in acknowledgement of your grief. I can't remember if I wrote about it, but a month or two ago (or longer?) my sister-in-law sent a short clip of her husband (my husband's brother) interacting with two of their teenage kids, and they were arguing and laughing and it was noisy and happy and was like a gut punch to me. I missed that with my kids too, who would have been the same age. It took a while to get over that. These things do happen. We're allowed to grieve. In fact, we have to grieve, so that we can continue to move forward.

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    1. Thank you Mali. I appreciate you sharing your own similar experience. <3 I agree with you. It's important for us to grieve so we can continue to move forward.

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  2. I agree with you and Mali: These things do happen. We're allowed to grieve.
    sending you a big hug from sLOVEnia,
    Klara

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    1. Your big hug is well received! Thank you Klara. <3

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  3. Yes. Your losses are significant and worth grieving. Sometimes it floats closer to the surface. This time of year is definitely tough for those sneak attack moments. I hander seen a photo or a post and been smacked with the massive unfairness of all that was lost, of all that never came to be. It's so hard mourning a dream that felt so real, so possible, because so many don't understand just how real and visceral that grief is. Sending you love and understanding, my friend.

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    1. You're right. This time of year is a bit more tender. <3 Thank you Jess!

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