Well, this is far from the first time something like this has happened, but it still stings.
I got ghosted by a friend. He just stopped replying to my texts. Then yesterday I learned through a mutual friend that his wife just had their third kid.
Oh.
I lost another friend to parenthood.
It sucks. It stings.
When we became friends he already had his first kid. I was happy for him and his wife when they had their second kid. But I didn't make the cut for their third kid.
I get it. He's busy. His life is going a hundred miles an hour in another direction.
I also don't get it. A parent is still a person. They still get to have 5 - 10 minutes of free time every now and then to text a friend. Personally, I think I'm a good friend. I also think I'm a good person to keep around because I will always be an outlet completely separate from the parenting world, which I'm sure is a much needed mental break every now and then. Not to mention, I'm busy too. Life is made up of what you make space for.
But the dynamics and rhythms in people's lives change and friendships often don't last, especially when one person has kids and the other doesn't.
I'm done pursuing friendships with people with kids. I can be friendly, but I doubt I'll ever be in an active friendship again with a person who is currently raising children.
I've had enough loss in my life.
Oh Phoenix, I am sorry! It is so hard to lose a friend like that. It has happened to me as well. It hurt and made me feel as if I wasn't worth their time.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I have been cultivating friendship with childless people only in the last few years... it just feels so much "safer"...
Sending hugs <3
Thank you. <3
DeleteI've learned this lesson before, but apparently I needed a reminder lesson. :/
That sucks. Especially as you'd seen him through two kids. Even if it was a misunderstanding, or he gets in contact when the kids are older, it forever changes the relationship. I know.
ReplyDeleteSending southern spring-filled hugs.
Thank you Mali. <3
DeleteYou are right. By not telling me about a whole dang child, the relationship is forever changed.
It stings, but it's best for me to recognize the situation for what it is, feel my feelings, and move on.
I'm so sorry, that sucks. But better to know that this person isn't truly the friend you thought he was. That feels so awful. We have found that friends with no kids or one kid seem to work out. I have long term friends with 3 kids but those are very special relationships. And long distance, which I think plays a part. Find the people who value you. 😘💕
ReplyDelete"Find the people who value you" is such good advice! I will take this with me. Thank you!! <3
DeleteI'm so sorry, Phoenix. You would think you would want to let a friend know about something as momentous in your life as a new baby??!
ReplyDeleteI have had a few friends who faded out of my life. I would call and leave a message and never get a call back. I've decided I'm done chasing after them. If they contact me, fine, I'll be pleasant and might even agree to lunch or whatever -- but I am done worrying about it.
You would think... I mean, it's kind of a big deal...
DeleteYep. I'm done chasing friendships too. I stopped doing that during my darkest years when I felt really alone. I had a really good counselor who helped me realize that most friendships are temporary and that's okay.