Where I am today with infertility and living my life without children:
- Nothing will make up for my lack of children and loss of motherhood. Nothing. Not a career, not a partner, not a pastime. No thing. Not a single thing, not a million things.
- I miss my children every day and I think of them as my guardian angels.
Also
- I'm playing the shit out of the hand I was dealt.
- My life (losses & pandemic aside) may be better than anything I could have planned.
Also
- My current life came at a cost I can't explain.
- Once I lost what I most cared about, I gained a freedom I can't explain.
Also
- Part of having boundaries includes not explaining myself. ;)
What have you learned? Where are you today?
"Good" or "bad," I will meet you wherever you are.
Where am I today. In limbo with my health. Not getting answers from doctors. And shit has a way of teaching you, right?
ReplyDeleteI will likely never feel "normal" again. I have the body I have now. I can't change that. In time, I will understand what perspective that gives me that I won't have had otherwise. I don't know ... I think maybe I'm not ready to learn some of this yet. Maybe that's learning, too.
Beautiful quilt.
Thank you for sharing Justine. I'm sorry you are in limbo with your health. Not having answers can feel frustrating to say the least. You don't have to learn from or understand what you're going through right now. Getting through it/living with it is more than enough. <3
DeleteThis - "Part of having boundaries includes not explaining myself." I absolutely love it! It was life-changing for me to realise I didn't have to justify my decisions, my situation, etc.
ReplyDeleteAnd this too, of course - "Once I lost what I most cared about, I gained a freedom I can't explain."
Actually, I loved all of it.
Thanks Mali. For a long time I felt like I got so much judgment about my life. I thought if I could just explain it then others would understand. But no, that's not how it works. Plus, it doesn't even feel good trying to explain your life and decisions to someone else. I've just given up trying to tell my mom that my life is unlike anyone else's she knows because I am not raising children/saving for college/etc.
DeleteWell, I still feel judged about my life but I'm caring less and less each day! Nobody gets it and they don't have to. It's not their life!!
Loooooove this: "Part of having boundaries includes not explaining myself. ;)" I struggle with that one but admire you intensely for it! I love your alsos. Life is all those things.
ReplyDeleteI just keep practicing! :) I still find myself explaining myself (how annoying!) but then I give myself grace and just... Stop. I'm getting better with practice.
DeleteBut seriously, it's so easy for others to judge my life. From the outside, I admit, my life sounds pretty awesome right now. In fact, it is awesome. But that came at a steep price I would have never voluntarily paid.
I'm trying to be more mysterious now, less open book. Except here on this blog, lol! ;)
Not too many quotes or words of supposed wisdom resonate with me these days, so when I come across something that does I make sure to take note. Just went up to my office to get this one and send it to you -
Delete"The first rule of mental health:
Learn to distinguish who deserves an explanation, who deserves only one answer, and who deserves absolutely nothing."
Don't know who said that or where it's from, but I find it quite useful regardless.
Perfect!! Thank you for sharing that quote.
DeleteThis is a fabulous post. :) (And that is a gorgeous quilt!) We don't owe anyone any explanations about our lives and why we made the choices we did. And I love your response to Jess above: our lives may seem fabulous to others, and they ARE fabulous in many ways, but I doubt most people would want to trade if they had to go through what we have to get where we are now...!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the quilt compliment!
DeleteExactly. No explanations necessary. Nobody ever gets it anyway.