Winter Ramblings

I thought I was going to be productive last week. I was not. I was cold instead. 

Maybe I will be productive this week, but maybe not. Because it's still going to be cold.

Who cares, I keep reminding myself. It's a pandemic. It's burnout. It's existential fatigue. Who cares about my made up plans for myself. There is no To Do list police. As long as my bills are paid and I'm doing what I need to do to maintain, who cares what extra stuff, if any, I am accomplishing. Who. Freaking. Cares.

Well... As someone who manages depression, it's important for me to care about *something* but I don't need to care about everything and I don't need to care about society's unrealistic expectations for me, especially regarding productivity in the moment.

I rested in January. After the decade that was 2011 - 2021 (TTC, infertility, and rebuilding), I was tired. There's a Japanese proverb that says "Fall down 7 times, stand up 8." Well, my last job experience really knocked me down. It drained me. Instead of immediately standing back up, I decided to just lie down for a bit. Ha. So all month I ate good food that my boyfriend cooked and went to bed early. I read two books and worked on some quilts. I gave my body a break and tried to get my mind to cooperate and rest too.

I am still tired. We all are. But we all go on anyway. Like I always say: what's the alternative? 

This is my CNBC life. And lately, living my life as a childless woman has been going okay. 

I still think about it a lot. I don't talk to many people about it, but I don't currently talk to that many people in general. My boyfriend listens a lot. I read blogs, write posts, and connect through comments. I'm eternally thankful for this space.

My last period was awful. So emotional. It sucked. I just went with it. Cried a lot. Felt irritable. Restless. General malaise. And then it ended. Thankfully.

I continue to think that I wouldn't be living here in this house if I'd had kids. I wouldn't be living this life at all if I was raising children. But it's a good life. A damn good life. The life I had planned would have been good too. But this is the life that I have. 

This is the life that I'm living and, even with my losses, I love it.

(I took this picture recently. It's a good thing I love winter.
And it's a good thing winter doesn't last 12 months, haha. To every thing there is a season...
I continue to learn from nature. Now is not the time to be productive.)