Saturday, February 5, 2022

Winter Ramblings

I thought I was going to be productive last week. I was not. I was cold instead. 

Maybe I will be productive this week, but maybe not. Because it's still going to be cold.

Who cares, I keep reminding myself. It's a pandemic. It's burnout. It's existential fatigue. Who cares about my made up plans for myself. There is no To Do list police. As long as my bills are paid and I'm doing what I need to do to maintain, who cares what extra stuff, if any, I am accomplishing. Who. Freaking. Cares.

Well... As someone who manages depression, it's important for me to care about *something* but I don't need to care about everything and I don't need to care about society's unrealistic expectations for me, especially regarding productivity in the moment.

I rested in January. After the decade that was 2011 - 2021 (TTC, infertility, and rebuilding), I was tired. There's a Japanese proverb that says "Fall down 7 times, stand up 8." Well, my last job experience really knocked me down. It drained me. Instead of immediately standing back up, I decided to just lie down for a bit. Ha. So all month I ate good food that my boyfriend cooked and went to bed early. I read two books and worked on some quilts. I gave my body a break and tried to get my mind to cooperate and rest too.

I am still tired. We all are. But we all go on anyway. Like I always say: what's the alternative? 

This is my CNBC life. And lately, living my life as a childless woman has been going okay. 

I still think about it a lot. I don't talk to many people about it, but I don't currently talk to that many people in general. My boyfriend listens a lot. I read blogs, write posts, and connect through comments. I'm eternally thankful for this space.

My last period was awful. So emotional. It sucked. I just went with it. Cried a lot. Felt irritable. Restless. General malaise. And then it ended. Thankfully.

I continue to think that I wouldn't be living here in this house if I'd had kids. I wouldn't be living this life at all if I was raising children. But it's a good life. A damn good life. The life I had planned would have been good too. But this is the life that I have. 

This is the life that I'm living and, even with my losses, I love it.

(I took this picture recently. It's a good thing I love winter.
And it's a good thing winter doesn't last 12 months, haha. To every thing there is a season...
I continue to learn from nature. Now is not the time to be productive.)


  1. Gorgeous photo! Moments like that, when the snow sticks to the trees and makes everything pretty, are when I like winter. This one seems longer and drearier than usual right now, though...!

    1. It's so pretty when it's not melting and all muddy, haha. I love all four seasons, but I'm starting to think that winter might be my favorite. Then again, maybe I'll think that about spring by the time it gets here... :)

  2. What a beautiful picture! I love that tree.

    It's definitely okay not to be productive, Phoenix. It is winter after all, a time when it should be alright to hibernate for a bit :-).

    I'm sorry you are dealing with depression and had a nasty period. But I am glad you can say that your life is good despite it all.

    Sending some winter sunshine from the Swiss mountains!

    1. Thanks Elaine! January was equally challenging and enjoyable. I'll take it. :) And yes, I'm very much in favor of hibernating...

  3. Gorgeous photo. I love when winter is so pretty like that. I'm glad you are so amazing at taking care of yourself. And that you are making the most of what you're dealt. 💜

    1. Thank you Jess. I think we are all amazing! Living the CNBC life sure isn't easy. <3

  4. Your photo is so beautiful - especially to someone who doesn't get snow in the winter. Amazing! It's hard to believe you actually get to see things like that. I love the seasons too - I just don't get snow. (The first and only real time in this house was ten years ago!)

    I also love this post. It's so wonderful to see people come through their grief and tough times, and really love the life they are living! You will be such an inspiration to others too. Brava!

    1. It's so beautiful here. I am very thankful. I worked so hard and it was worth it. On all accounts.

      I hope to show others it's possible to want to live again. Even if it doesn't feel like it, it's possible to be interested in things and enjoy stuff again.