Wednesday, July 20, 2022

PTSD Persists

I'm feeling groggy and a bit melancholy this morning. I had nightmares all night. They were about IVF, my ex-husband, and two former friends I used to be very close with. It all sucked. 

I have not slept through the night in over three months. 

I haven't been officially diagnosed with PTSD, but I've had two different doctors tell me that they think I have it. The brain and heart can only handle so much... 

I have found what helps and that is THC. That should not be a controversial thing to share on a public forum, but, unfortunately, it is. It is still illegal according to federal law. And because of that status, I cannot consume it while I am on the job market. All of the jobs I'm applying for conduct pre-employment drug screens. Which includes screening for THC. Which angers me to no end. Gahhh I don't do drugs!!!

It is not my employer's business if I choose to eat a gummy before I go to bed. It is not my employer's business if I choose to smoke and quilt on a Saturday afternoon. Just like I would not drink a beer before going into work, I would not consume THC before going into work.

And speaking of, I am free to drink as much alcohol as I want. You know, the substance that causes anger, depression, intoxication, decreased motor skills, impaired driving, and leads to a lot, A LOT of fights? Yeah, I can drink as much as I want. No employers regulate that.

But I don't want to drink a lot. Unlike THC, even a couple of beers cause sleeping difficulties.
But, heaven forbid, I get a good night's sleep. 

My pain is real.
My losses are real.
My trauma is real.
And I am reminded every single night.

It sucks.


I will get through this. I always do.
I know how to tolerate extreme discomfort and incredible unfairness.

But I can barely wait to sleep again.

Picture found at


  1. Gaaaah! Isn't it amazing? Cigarettes are legal. They definitely cause all kinds of problems. Alcohol is legal. You can get into a LOT of issues with alcohol and I'm sure plenty of people who pass drug tests come in to work hungover! I might be in love with the phrase, "smoke and quilt."

    Question -- New York has a medical card. Where you are, would that make a difference? Cannabis is in a weird purgatory state for legality across the board here, it's been "decriminalized" (show me when you expunge records for the mass incarcerations based on drug possession, and you offer something when it's sold recreationally so that people who sold it illegally can make some of that money too...but I digress), and it's definitely legal medically. I wonder if showing a card to an employer makes a difference?

    I'm sorry you have a solution that works for you (and harms no one) but you need to find a job and rules are backwards.

    Tart cherry juice is a great sleep aid. basically a "shot" before bed. It's a natural melatonin source so fewer creepy side effects and you can get it in the grocery aisle (just make sure you get "tart" not the sweetened stuff).

    1. Thanks for sharing your understanding. I pretty much thought this post wouldn't get any comments. My doctor offered to prescribe me something for the nightmares. It's a prescription medication for people with PTSD, but I just told her I'd wait and use what I know works. Then I came home and researched the medication she suggested but the results on its effectiveness were inconclusive. Yeah, I'll just wait... Although I might try the tart cherry juice. Thank you!

      And yes to your thoughts about those still incarcerated... Talk about bass-ackwards!!

      And, no, I don't think a medical card matters in the medical field. At least not for the jobs I've looked into. Although my friend is a doctor in the same state as me and has never been drug tested. Weird. Nothing makes sense.

  2. I wrote a response to this some days ago, but I was having that blogger problem again and it didn't go through. And now my browser has lost it! Grrr.

    Lack of sleep is a form of torture, so you have my sympathies. I know PTSD symptoms are real - it was quite common for ectopic survivors to suffer the symptoms - so I hope you can find somebody to help you, if your preferred (and easy, and increasingly legal) method can't be used. All I remember from the ectopic days is that the priority was to help someone remember without reliving the trauma. But I assume you know that, so I'm not going to insult you by making any further (un)helpful suggestions. I just wish you could use the method you've found that helped. That sucks. Sending much love and hugs.

    1. Thanks Mali. It feels like a silly thing to complain about (not being able to use THC), but it's part of a serious problem (not being able to sleep through the night). My nightmares are awful and nonstop.

      I will get through this. I always do.

      I appreciate you and your suggestions though. <3

  3. As someone who is not well programmed to sleep, I can surely say sleep is a big flipping deal. I'm currently toggling with the sleep obstacles of biochemical imbalances (treated but never cured), perimenopause/menipause and dysautonomia. I'm really sorry you found something that works for you and you can't use it - grrrrr. At the risk of coming off as mindlessly prescriptive, I'm leaving you my arsenal just in case any of it might help you in any way (bearing in mind that everyone is different biochemically).

    Inositol - water soluble so you can take quite a bit. I've got some compounded into my program and take 1500 additional mg at night

    Gaba - This one has a limit as to how much you should take and I'm not sure what it is so do your research. Leave out one day a week so your brain can retain its ability continue to manufacture it on its own. I take 2000 mg six days a week.

    Melatonin - helps in general but not with my dysautonomia induced sleep obstacles. I take 3 mg an hour before bed. I used to take 6 mg but woke up a bit groggy, went down to 3 mg which took away the am grogginess but didn't harm my sleep any.

    lavendar oil - didn't think this would help but I've always been sensitive to it so I tried a few drops on my pillow at bedtime & it actually helps

    liquid calcium/mag - my digestive tract is sensitive to this, especially with the dysautonomia, so I'm not taking at the moment. But if it doesn't interfere with you digestively, it can have a very relaxing effect. I'd start with a small dose, like 1 teaspoon, and see how you do.

    Xanax - controversial I know, but I use it so sparingly and take such small doses my dr is fine with it. I asked him if there was anything else I could take and he said if he prescribed a sleep aid it would be much stronger and have considerable side affects. So this is by far the better option. I'm hopeful as my ns disorder wanes I won't need it at all, but I still take 1/16 mg most nights, 1/8mg every now and then if I need it. I went without it a lot last week, slept better than I thought but after a few days was not feeling well. Went back, am getting better quality sleep (if but slightly) so naturally I feel better.

    So there's my apothecary, again, just in case anything might be useful.

    1. Thank you for this!! Sleep is one of the most precious things. It's literally necessary to function.