I accidentally revealed my status as childless not-by-choice at work the other day.
Wait. I just went to erase "at work" and change it to "at one of my jobs" and just realized I've disclosed my infertility at BOTH of my jobs. Ha!!! You'd think something like that would be at the forefront of my memory.
Ok, the first time (the one I'm just now remembering) is actually kind of major. A co-worker and I were talking about how we want to get married when she shared that she wants kids and had her eggs frozen. I said, "Oh! Really?" because nobody ever talks about that stuff casually. So then I told her that if she uses them and goes through that process I can be a support for her. I even told her, "I did IVF a couple of times so I know the whole process. You don't ever have to be positive with me. You are always allowed to complain."
Huh.
I can't believe I forgot about having such a personal conversation at work.
Ok, the second time it happened was why I started writing this post. So, back to my first sentence... I accidentally revealed my status as childless not-by-choice at work the other day. I don't even remember what we were saying really, something about kids and parents, when (without even thinking about it) I off-handedly said, "Yeah, well, I can't have kids." It was out of my mouth before I even realized the thought was in my head.
My single, 30-year old co-worker immediately stopped and was speechless for a moment. Then she looked at me and said, "I'm sorry."
I replied, "It's okay." And there was another brief moment of silence.
I added, "Thank you for saying that. I don't say 'it's okay' dismissively. For a long time, it definitely wasn't okay at all. But it's okay now."
It's okay now.
That's the truth.
It is okay now.
But I never thought it would be.
It's interesting when it happens offhandedly and you realize something that might have been milestone-y before just...is. I love how you explained "it's okay." How wonderful that it is!
ReplyDeleteYes. It just is. :)
DeleteI like this phase of things muuuuuuuuch better than the previous decade.
I love this too. When we hear or say something that would have been so difficult or impossible before, and now we know that it is truly okay. Sending huge hugs because this is awesome!
ReplyDeleteI didn't want to quickly dismiss my co-worker's "I'm sorry." I thought it was really kind of her to say that. I didn't feel any pity from her, just a brief moment of empathy, and I appreciated it.
DeleteWhat a huge change! I am so glad that you got to this place at your own pace and organically....It truly is a milestone and one you can exhale about.
ReplyDeleteHUGE change. Unbelievable change. They say change is inevitable, but I never thought things would change in this direction.
DeleteOf course, changing my life from the one I had (all structured around having children) to the one I have (moved, changed careers, got new hobbies) helped a ton. I wouldn't be okay if I was still living my old life.
But I also think blogging and connecting with other women like me online helped immensely. Thank you. <3
I absolutely love this! Aren't you sometimes amazed by how far you've come? I agree with Mali: this is awesome <3.
ReplyDeleteI can barely believe it. But it truly is okay. It is even better than okay. It's a lot of things at once (and not all of them are "good"), but overall, it's fine. Exciting even. There are several things in my life that I regularly look forward to (working, sewing, and just plain ol' being at home in my living room). Wow.
DeleteThanks for being alongside me these last several years. <3
You know you're doing better when you can say something like that without hesitation and second-guessing yourself! (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThank you, Loribeth. <3
DeleteIt's a miracle. I don't say that lightly.