I visited family for the holidays. It was a lot of fun, and I am really thankful everyone took the time and made the trip. There were 17 of us, and we came from 5 states. It's the weekend I most look forward to out of the year, and it always goes by so fast.
Last year I had an important conversation with my niece that I forgot to share here. This year I had another important conversation with my cousin. I'll share the first story and then the other. :)
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Last year's conversation was really unexpected. I hadn't seen my young adult niece in four years (that's crazy!!) because I was working in 2019, the pandemic hit in 2020, and she was working in 2021. So I *finally* got to see her at Family Xmas in 2022. We stayed up late talking about a little bit of everything.
Normally, I don't say anything about anyone else's fertility. But with her I said, "Normally, I don't say anything to anyone about getting pregnant. And, I know you've said you don't want kids. It's fine if you don't. And it's fine if you do. You're allowed to change your mind. But since you're my niece, you are the only person that I am going to tell that women's fertility decreases much sooner than we think. So if you want kids, please know that you are more fertile in your 20s than your 30s. And I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds by saying all of that."
She said it was fine that I said everything but that she still didn't want kids. But what she said next completely surprised me. She said, "[My fiance] has a lot of nieces and nephews, and I just want to be the cool aunt. I mean, I got to have you. And I want to be like that. I just want to be the cool aunt and not have kids."
What?? I'm cool?? (I assure you I am not, hahaha.) But how cool is that? Someone wants to be like me. Someone watched my life without kids and thought, "That's what I want." Wow...
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Then this year I was able to say something to my cousin. We've never talked about infertility. She is very private. But I know that she has had at least one heartbreaking experience with trying to conceive. And I've wanted to say something to her for years...
That goes to show how stigmatized and confusing this whole topic is. Here I am, like, totally out of the closet with infertility and being childless not by choice, and I still hadn't found the words to express empathy to my cousin.
But this year there was a moment where it was just me and her outside. I seized the moment. I simply asked her, "How are you doing?" without any context or pretext. And she knew exactly what I meant. She took a deep breath and said, "... I'm okay." She followed with, "I'm good. I'm good. I'm sad. But I'm okay." And then I was able to tell her that I always wanted to say something but didn't know what. Since she's very private, I assumed she didn't want to linger on the topic so I wrapped it up by saying, "I know I'm not going to have kids. You don't know yet. You might. You might not. But I just want you to know that I am happy again. It's a miracle and it is possible. I just want you to know that it's possible to be happy. And I'm always just a text away."
I'm pretty sure my words were well received and not intrusive. I just had to say something.
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So...
How about that.
From hearing my niece last year say she wants to be like me to sharing with my cousin this year that happiness is possible... It's so important that we see, hear, and support each other.
How lovely! I'm so glad you were able to be there - even when you didn't know you were being a role model (see my post this week) - for your cousin and your niece. I'm about to have a conversation with my BIL about his adult daughter. I tried to give advice to him a few years ago, and he said, "I don't think that will be necessary." Fast forward a few years, she's just got married, no kids have appeared. I wonder if he passed on my info re declining fertility. We do what we can.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs to a very cool aunt!
I had no idea *I* could be a role model... But if I can help anyone, especially my niece and my cousin, it's an honor!
DeleteWow. You know what, Phoenix?
ReplyDeleteFor years I have been thinking that we lack positive role models for women without children. I certainly did not have them. So I find it awesome that your niece wants to be like you <3!
I once told my youngest sister the same thing – that it would be easier to get pregnant before 30 than after. She was lucky enough to meet her husband quite young. I would do it again, because it was important to me that she would get a better chance at having kids than me.
Much love from Switzerland!
I haven't been able to think of any people I knew growing up that didn't have kids. Or, maybe I knew some childless people but didn't even know that they didn't have kids... But it's always good to have role models. I never thought of myself as one before.
DeleteYes, we tend to only tell the women we are closest to about fertility declining for some sooner than we'd been told... I know it's not my business to comment on anyone else's situation, but I said something to my niece anyway just in case.
Much love from the U.S. and our very mild winter so far!