So Many Kids But Not Me

My friends have a lot of kids. 

I got three holiday cards last month and they're all on my fridge because they are all from people that I really care about. And they're from different parts of my life, from age 17 to age 37. One of the cards is from one of my best friends from high school. She has two kids. Her daughter was the last baby I held. That baby is 11 now. Another card is from my best friend from college. She has three kids. The youngest just started kindergarten this year. And the third card is from my friend from graduate school ten years ago, the young guy that had the baby with his wife. They've had two more since then. So that's three friends with a total of eight kids.

Then I think about my other best friends from high school. One of them has two kids. Her oldest just turned 18 and will be graduating high school this year. The other friend has three kids, and they're all under ten years old. 

My other best friend from college doesn't have any kids. And our mutual friend from college doesn't have any kids either. I guess most of our acquaintances do though.

Then another close friend from grad school just had her third kid last week. 

So... There are the 8 kids on my fridge, plus 5 more kids from high school friends, and another 3 kids from a grad school friend. Holy cow, that's 16 kids. And that's only among six friends. I have more friends. That's a lot! I could open a virtual private school just for my friends' kids lol.

It just strikes me as weird. When it's totally normal. But I think it's weird that my friends have all these kids. But I probably wouldn't think it was weird if I would've had kids. 

And really, I'm the "weird" one. Not them. I'm the one that's not like most everyone else. 

I don't know why I've been thinking about this so much lately, but I have. It's like I just realized that among my friends there are, like, a billion kids. And that's what they're all doing. Raising their kids. Feeding their kids. Taking their kids to school and practice and their friends' houses and whatever.

I think I'm discombobulated from moving, and I've been thinking about how different my life is at 46 from what I imagined it was going to be. 

I like my life. I like it a lot actually. It's just weird to live a life that's completely different from what I pictured and from what everyone else is doing.

I just ordered this book. Sounds interesting!

Weird Worrying

My cycle was late this month. I was expecting it Saturday or Sunday. Monday at the latest. I started on Wednesday. I mean, I take the pill so it's weird for it to be late.

Um, a quick note on that. I have mixed feelings about taking the pill. I mean, why? I'm infertile. But I got back on it when I was grieving deeply. I couldn't handle getting my period every month so I went back on the pill so I'd at least know when it was coming. So I could be somewhat mentally prepared. 

I don't need it for that anymore. Getting my period doesn't make me sad anymore. Plus, I'm older and my body is changing naturally and I really don't think I need it. Anyway, I'll figure it out. I need to find a new doctor here and establish care anyway.

But starting my cycle doesn't make me sad anymore. In fact, I learned this week that NOT starting my cycle makes me sad.

It was WEIRD. I was so worried. And annoyed. Very, very annoyed. I spent years wanting to get pregnant and now I'm worried/mad/sad that I might be? It was weird.

But, like I said, I'm older and my body is changing and I'll find a new doctor and talk about things.

But I'm feeling MUCH better today and yesterday. 

Relieved.

When It's Hard To Connect

My life isn't organized around my children. That must be obvious since I don't have children. But it's such a sneaky little (big) thing that I forget myself and it's my life. But, that's probably because I'm living my life, which is not organized around my children as we just established, so when I remember that the rest of the world's is AND they expect mine to be organized in the same way... Well, it can be jarring. It makes me feel like a puzzle piece that never quite fits in.

Traveling reminded me. I took a really cool trip with my mom and sisters last month. It was a lot of fun and we met some other nice people too. But wow, does everyone talk about their kids and grandkids nonstop. I mean, they really do. It's an objective fact. This isn't me being sensitive. 

My mom even started telling her birth story about having me one night when it was just me and my sisters. They were reminiscing about the night I was born. I interrupted to say, "I usually don't listen to any mother's birth story, but I'll listen to yours because it's about me."

One of my sisters always talks about her kid. Always has. It's a little weird and now it feels awkward for me because I don't talk to her adult kid but whatever. That's my sister and that's her kid that I've known for the kid's whole life. I listen. It's fine. 

Hearing about other people's kids constantly doesn't hurt me like it used to. It makes sense. These people have kids so it makes sense for them to talk about them. I just noticed on the trip how much this topic can dominate conversations. There were several group dinners where I just didn't say much at all. (But don't worry about me, the food was awesome, haha.)

And you know it's not just my family. It was the various people we met too. Everyone talked about their kids and their grandkids. A lot. Again, normal. I mean, not for me. But it's normal for them.

But it was so much that I even asked the sister I was rooming with, "Do you notice how much everyone talks about their kids?" And she said yes, she'd definitely noticed. She also said she didn't know if she would've noticed if I wasn't there. But with my presence, she realized how common the conversation topic was.

So I noticed the obvious while traveling--that my life isn't organized around children.

But I also notice it now that I've moved. 

Obviously, I don't have any friends here. I just moved and I don't know anyone. Luckily, every co-worker I've met has been nice and friendly. But, you know, those are my co-workers. I would hope they could be nice and friendly, at least on the surface.

So then I think about where and how to meet some new friends. I know these things take time. Good friendships can take years to form. That's fine. I'm in no hurry. I never want to leave my house anyway, haha. That's actually why I'm thinking about this now. I know I will want to have a friend or two in a couple of years, so I know I better start leaving my house every now and then for something social so I can meet some people. 

But my age group is still busy raising their kids.

This is nothing new to me, but I am confronting it all over again as I think about how to meet new people. It just comes back to how your life is organized. And people's priorities and activities can be very different. We are all busy, but we are busy doing different things on different schedules. 

 

Clip art found on Vecteezy

I'm going to try a sewing workshop. 

A lot of them are during the day while I'm at work, but there are still some offered in the evenings and on the weekends. I signed up for one in a couple of weeks. A day long workshop where we learn a new technique and create a completed project in the day. I know I won't want to go when the day comes, haha. (I'll feel tired and just want a break.) But then I am going to make myself go and I know I'll be glad I went. Whether I end up liking the project or not isn't the point, although
I think I'll like it. 

It's good to get out of the house, be around people, and try something new.

Relax

My wish for 2026 is stability and my goal is to relax.

Photo from Vecteezy