Monday, February 13, 2017

Keep Going

What's that saying? When you're going through shit, keep going...

I am really not loving my current reality. I feel like a teenager writing this, but I really hate school. It's too bad. I've always liked school in the past. But this program... It's very disorganized and demanding, and none of the assignments are clear. I am mad that it is killing the spirit of my classmates. Everyone came in very enthusiastic and excited, but that is all gone now. Luckily, we are a special class and we all really care about each other so we will get through this together.

It's just personally annoying because I feel like I already "wasted" so much time with infertility and failed treatments with nothing to show for it. And now I am in this program, working hard and desperately waiting for graduation in a couple of years. By the end of it all, I will have spent seven years not really enjoying my life and that saddens me.

Of course, I am thankful for the opportunity to go back to school. I am thankful I had the opportunity to try fertility treatments. I am thankful for a whole lot. And I look forward to the little things too. A good meal. Laughing with friends. Hanging out with my dog.

It's just... I'm no spring chicken. And here I am, working toward a future that is still several years away.

I'm just very, very tired.

But I will keep going.


  1. Hi Phoenix, I'm sorry your course is disorganized and demanding and not very clear: I hate it when an academic programme is like that; like you know that if the department just put a bit more love into it, it could be so much more manageable - frustrating.
    I sometimes feel like I wasted about seven years over infertility treatment and the fallout - two years actually trying, then a few years in an existential wasteland trying to see purpose in my life. I've also been in a very unrewarding job for the last ten years and together with the fertility stuff I used to feel terrible about having wasted my best years. I often think that I could've done a Masters or something during that time, so that at least I'd have something concrete to show for it. I suppose I have to tell myself that if I had wanted to do it, I would have done it. But just to let you know that you're not alone with your feelings!
    I think what you need to remember is that you'll have something at the end of it - working in a university, I know loads of people who absolutely hated the years they spent doing their PhDs, for example (it seems to be really common that they detest doing it, and their supervisors and the organisation in general are often rubbish), but never regretted it once they had the qualification.
    I try to rationalise that the infertility and failed treatments were an unavoidable blip and not my fault as no one knows how that is going to turn out and it's just bad luck really.
    Honestly, I think that 'working toward a future that is still several years away' is bloody impressive and shows a tenacity and a drive that you should be extremely proud of - you'll be glad, when those several years have passed, that you planned ahead - you're looking after yourself and doing the right thing, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time

    1. Thank you so, so much Shores! I really appreciate your comment and encouragement, especially this morning. I wish we lived close so we could hang out. :) :) :)

    2. Totally agree with all of this. I absolutely detested all of the years spent getting the letters behind my name, but now that I have them, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I can't stand disorganization in classes or assignments that don't seem to have a purpose. I am a super disorganized person in everyday life, but my classes are always super organized and assignments are applied and meaningful.

      Anyway, I'm sorry it's hard right now. You're doing all of the right things and it will be worth it in the end. Because, unlike infertility, this is something you can control the outcome of. :)

    3. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You two always know what to say. And it's just what I needed to hear. Thank you!!! <3

  2. I am sorry you feel this way. I have often thought about going back to university to study further or different things, but I'm not sure I could bear it. The thing is, as an adult student, I'd like to think that I'd understand what was important, and that it is only transitory. But equally, as an adult student, I'd be much more likely to recognise incompetence and call it out. I did go back to study for a year, for a specific purpose, when I was in my early 30s. There was a lot of eye rolling and tongue biting! And I wasn't always successful.

    So I guess I'm saying pick your battles, keep your eye on the prize (which, unlike infertility, you KNOW you can and will achieve), take comfort in the support of your classmates. You all sound like a good, supportive group.

    And feel free to come and moan here. After all, we think what you're doing is awesom!

    1. Thank you!!! I think you bring up something I hadn't thought about- going back to school as a 37 year old adult is very different than going to school as a 23 year old adult. I definitely have less patience for incompetence!! I also think I'm affected by infertility. I subconsciously feel like nothing I work for is going to work out, so that is probably a good thing for me to realize. Overall, what keeps me going is I'm falling in love with the profession. I just need to get through school!! A couple of years of school will pay off when I'm able to have my next career for hopefully 30+ years. Thanks again for always listening... :)

  3. I'm sorry too that you're frustrated with school. (Dh sometimes talks about going back when he turns 60 -- one of the local universities offers 60+ students free tuition for one degree.) Is it just the current courses/profs that are a problem -- i.e., is there a chance things might improve next semester/year?? At any rate, I know seven years seems like forever, but I'm willing to bet that when you get there, it won't seem like that long. I can't believe 2010 is already 7 years ago. Hang in there; as Mali said, what you're doing is awesome!! & I'm sure it will pay off for you in the long run! :)

    1. Thanks Loribeth. I think your husband's idea is awesome!

      I think the problem is my school. They seem to be going through a transition (several longtime professors have recently retired and they are also looking for a new program director), and I feel like my class isn't getting the attention we deserve. The professors are not good at answering our questions or communicating their expectations. And, there is A LOT of busywork. Maybe that's doable for the kids straight out of college, but I am too old and have too many adult responsibilities to have the patience for stuff that wastes my time.

      Ahhh, thanks for asking and listening!! It feels good to be heard. <3

      But my classmates and I will get through this. I mean, we're almost into March already. I know how fast time flies. (Remember when year 2000 was a big deal?? And that was 17 years ago!) I will be very happy with myself for sticking it out once my husband and I move to where we want to live and I start my new career. :)