Monday, June 5, 2017

Work In Progress

I never thought I'd get to a point where I'd be okay. I didn't think it was possible. I would envision a future where I wasn't the mother I always thought, planned, and dreamed I'd be and I could not picture myself ever being happy without children.

I'm glad I was wrong.

I've actually had lots of moments of happiness over the last year or two. :)

*****

It's crazy how fast things can change.

A year ago I was still trying and hoping for a miracle baby. I was playing Murphy's Law; I figured going back to school would guarantee I'd get pregnant.

Well, I didn't. And I needed to stop falling apart every month when it didn't happen. It was killing me. So we began using contraception again. Weird. And relieving.

And I'm okay.

I don't go to baby showers. I can't be a part of other people's pregnancies. And I'm not going to start a friendship with someone my age with toddlers.

But I moved out of the house I bought for my children. I sold that house. I shredded, recycled, trashed, and gave away everything (except a few onesies and the pictures of my embryos) that had anything to do with trying to conceive, infertility, fertility treatments, and having and raising children. And I had a houseful. So many things. So much stuff. So much paperwork.

Something I haven't written about, but when our last IVF didn't result in pregnancy, I thought long and hard about what to do next. I was deciding between pursuing adoption and going back to school. I felt like I was running short on time with regard to everything. I obviously chose to go back to school before pursuing adoption. I did not know if it was the right decision overall, but I knew it was the right decision then and for the moment. I needed to grieve. There was a hole in my heart that no child could fill, and I needed to heal from that first. It was an incredibly difficult decision because adoption is a long process and I'm not getting any younger, but I knew I did not have the energy for it at that time.

So I moved and went back to school. Which I keep writing about over and over. But it was so major. And it's been three steps forward, two steps back.

That metaphor comparing grief to an ocean or whatever is correct though. At first, the waves are nonstop and you don't know if you're ever going to breathe again. Then slowly, so slowly you don't even perceive it in real time, but very slowly, the waves slow down. They keep coming. But there's a little bit of space in between them. And the space in between the waves continues to grow.

And then I learned the adoption agency I had chosen years ago filed for bankruptcy.

Wait.

What.

Excuse me?

After lots and lots of research over the years, I had chosen an agency. And it no longer exists. First and foremost, my heart aches for the families that were in the middle of the process with this agency when they filed for bankruptcy out of the blue. Secondly, there went my plan for adoption. I felt really thrown and my counselor validated these really strong emotions that I didn't even realize I was feeling. I knew I was done with fertility treatments and now I was done with adoption before it even started. With that agency anyway. But, really, overall... I'm not going to research any more agencies. I know how hard it was to find that one I liked. And look how they turned out.

I am not going to parent. I've known for all of 2017. And I've been processing a lot.

And I'm okay. I'm sad. I'm happy. I'm thankful. I'm irritated. And I am okay. Most days.

I still talk about it a lot, at least a comment every day probably. I'm really thankful that my husband continues to listen. Healing from infertility is really hard for me. But I'm doing it. It's not a passive activity. Or maybe if it is, it takes longer. I don't know. I just needed to do what I could about a situation where I could do absolutely nothing.

Lifelong dream of being a mother denied?
Ok, what's next?

*****

It's been so hard. And I'm afraid I'm just rambling.

I think I wanted this post to be about one thing and it ended up being about another. :)

*****

I'm a work in progress.
I'm doing okay.
And I'm so glad I was wrong and that life can get good again.

11 comments:

  1. I don't think you're rambling, it all makes sense. Putting your thoughts down 'on paper' is really therapeutic I think.
    I actually have writer's block at the moment - I've got nothing - because I think I've blogged all my thoughts and I seem to have no more issues on the CNBC subject right now. Which is good really... I too once though I'd never be happy if I didn't have kids, even though I was ambivalent about having them and it hadn't been my lifelong dream. But as time went on and then as I wrote about it, it just.. lifted, and everything felt normal again. It feels like it's gone entirely now, apart from odd irritations that are nothing like my old anger. I hope that helps people who feel like they'll never feel normal again.. And I am sure your posts help people. How you put it is perfect: 'At first, the waves are nonstop and you don't know if you're ever going to breathe again. Then slowly, so slowly you don't even perceive it in real time, but very slowly, the waves slow down. They keep coming. But there's a little bit of space in between them. And the space in between the waves continues to grow.' Life does get good again, as you say

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    1. Yes!! "Lifted" is such a perfect description! I think writing has helped me a lot. I really do hope my posts and everyone's posts and comments, help others. Infertility is so, so hard and weird and lonely. I know I liked reading from others that experienced it. Others sharing their experiences let me know I wasn't crazy and that it gets better.

      If you don't have any more CNBC posts at the moment, we all all need to take up a collection and send you on a vacation with your camera! :) Your photographs are beautiful!! <3

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    2. Aw thanks Phoenix! (just saw this reply now)

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  2. Oh, I love your last line: "I'm so glad I was wrong and that life can get good again." I'm sorry for all the twists and turns, and the bankruptcy (!) of the adoption agency. It sounds like you are doing good things in working through your grief and moving towards a different future. You are inspiring, lady!

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    1. Thank you Jess. I appreciate you reading and commenting! <3 I feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark, but it's better than just sitting in the dark.

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  3. I think that was a really good post, very honest and it made sense. It didn't sound like just rambling ;) The analogy of grief coming in waves has always made a lot of sense to me. I can imagine finding out that the adoption agency you picked and with that adoption itself is off the table has been a bit of a kick as the fall back plan / plan B is no longer there. I'm happy that you chose to go back to school as it sounds like that was the right decision and overall you sound like you are managing really well! Hugs

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    1. Thank you very much! I don't know what it says about everyone else that my rambling makes sense hahaha... But seriously, thank you. This recovery process is HARD. And we are all so unsupported by the world around us. It's easy to get lost and confused. I trust that I am on a good path for me, and my hope is that everyone who has to go through infertility finds some peace and something to get excited about again.

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  4. I'm so sorry to learn about the now-shuttered adoption agency. :(

    I like your writing style - it wasn't rambling at all. I really enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing your healing journey with us. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you very much! :) Thank you for reading and commenting!! <3

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  5. I've heard of more than a few adoption agencies going under lately. Sad & horrifying to think of all those families who invested their time, their hearts & and a substantial amount of their money with these places, who have to start all over again or perhaps face the end of their dreams of parenthood altogether. Glad you are doing OK these days!! :)

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    1. It's awful! It's criminal! It makes me even more mad at the "Why don't you just adopt?" questions. People definitely do not understand the many different factors of the adoption process.

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