This weekend one of my good friend's kids was having a birthday party. I was excited about it and really wanted to go. I said I was coming and planned my schedule accordingly.
I didn't go.
Aaaahhh I drive myself crazy sometimes. I went back and forth in my head so much over going to this party. I was trying to figure out what was the problem, what was all this vacillation about, especially when I really wanted to go. Well, it was going to be a long drive, a lot of time in the car. Also, school started two weeks ago and I'm already overloaded with reading assignments and projects. I was going through this list in my head... But none of those things were really it.
What was really it was the obvious: I didn't want to go to a kid's birthday party.
Yes, I wanted to see my friend. Yes, I wanted to see my friend's kid. Yes, I wanted to hang out and talk and catch up with my friend and visit with her family and friends and eat cake. Yes, I want to be there for the important moments in my friend's life.
But I didn't want to go to the cute toy store near me and buy a present. And I didn't want to go to a party with a bunch of adults and kids and be the only woman there who wasn't a mother.
This sucks. I hate that it's like this. But it is.
In one way, it's only a kid's birthday party, it's not that big of a deal. In another way, I really hate saying I am going to do something and then I don't do it. And, I hate that I'm not there yet. I hate that going to a kid's birthday party still bothers me. Overall, that's what I learned from this and I won't be RSVPing "yes" to any more kid birthday parties for awhile.
When I talked to my husband about it he just said, "Who cares? Kids' birthday parties are boring anyway." Hahaha. So there's that perspective too!
yeah kids birthday parties aren't much fun, your husband is right! I think you'd have a nicer time visiting your friend and her kid by yourself when there aren't a bunch of other people there anyway.
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly what I was thinking! I should see my friend one-on-one or in a small group, not at a big birthday party full of family, friends, and kids. Hopefully, she isn't too upset with me for canceling at the last minute...
DeleteSometimes our husbands just sum it all up, don't they?!
ReplyDeleteI think you did what you needed to do at this time. It won't always be like this. But you shouldn't get upset at yourself for not being there yet. It takes time.
And one-on-one, your friend gets your undivided attention, without the fear and loss that might have overwhelmed you at the party. So does your friend's child. And they also get your undivided attention in a one-on-one visit, which they'll remember and cherish too.
Thanks Mali. When I said I'd go to the party, I thought I was at that point. But then the day came... And I wasn't. I was frustrated with myself and immediately thought the worst, like that it will ALWAYS be this way. But it won't. I remember how much changes for me from year to year. All I can do is honor and accept where I am in the moment. Thank you again. :)
DeleteIt's okay to not go to the party. I'm with your husband, kids' parties aren't much fun for anyone but the kids (which is why my best friend who has 3 kids tries to get them to pick a "family experience" over a party every year). I don't go to kids parties, and I said no so many times I don't get invited anymore, which is okay. I send presents via the wonder of Amazon, usually books. You can spend time with your friend and her child separately, and it will be better quality time and you won't have to worry about being the only non-mom in a sea of momishness. Going when you're feeling sad and left out is miserable...better to replace it with some other thing with your friend and let go of the guilt on that one. Hopefully your friend is of the understanding sort, that always helps, too! Thinking of you, that's a tough situation.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comment and understanding. I think my biggest worry was that my friend would be upset or wouldn't understand. Which, I would think, okay- just call her and talk it out. But schedules are hard these days, even for a phone conversation and, really, I just don't find my friends with children to be understanding right now. Maybe they will later. Maybe they're just in the moment with their kids right now. I don't know. It's okay. It's hard, but I don't totally fault them. My old friends and I live in a different world and theirs is the norm, so why would they know or need to understand my experience? But thank you. It's hard. I care about my friend and her kid so much. In one way, it was just a party. In another way, it was several more things. Infertility sucks.
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