Sunday, December 31, 2017

Lower Your Expectations

For my last post of 2017, I'd like to share some advice from my former counselor. When I was in the middle of infertility and treatments, it was gently, yet firmly, suggested to me by both my husband and my best friend to start seeing someone. They both thought I needed additional support. And if the two people I love and trust more than anything nicely suggested the same thing to me, I thought I better listen.

After my first counselor was a TERRIBLE fit (actually I would say she was a terrible counselor, but hey, maybe her style works for someone out there), I got lucky with the second counselor I tried. Very, very lucky. She was a much older woman with children and grandchildren who had never experienced infertility herself or knew anyone who had dealt with it, but she still totally got it. I learned so much from her in the year and a half I saw her. Honestly, I might still be seeing her if she hadn't retired. She was incredible. I told her, "I came for help with infertility but I stayed for the boundary education." Seriously, where was this woman my whole life? I definitely needed her help.

So. Anyway. One of the most important things she told me was to lower my expectations.

What.

I thought I was supposed to have high expectations for the people around me. I mean, if you have high expectations, people will rise to meet them, right? Nope, not necessarily.

While I was raw from infertility, I constantly got my feelings hurt. I was consistently disappointed and sad at what I perceived to be a lack of support from friends and family. When she advised me to lower my expectations, I was really surprised. I had never heard that before.

Then again... It was just another concept that infertility had turned on its head.

Have high expectations! Never give up! Everything happens for a reason!

What a bunch of bullshit we've been fed our whole lives.

So I want to share that ever since I have lowered my expectations, I have been much happier. People don't disappoint me as much because I don't have unrealistic expectations for them. I'm easier on others and I'm easier on myself. I'm not wasting as much time and energy getting my feelings hurt. Instead, I have been using my energy to grieve and move forward. It's true that there's been an almost 100% turnover of people in my life, but that's okay. That's how life goes and how relationships evolve, especially when you're walking a different path than the majority.

I don't know if that advice is helpful or not, but I wanted to share in case it is. If you found yourself angry, sad, and/or disappointed with people a lot during 2017, try taking a different approach. Try lowering your expectations. At the very least, it will free up a lot more of your energy.

10 comments:

  1. Oh, yes, a thousand times yes to this! I agree, it sounds weird to lower expectations but it is incredibly helpful advice. Especially when dealing with people or situations that simply aren't going to change, no matter how much effort you put into it. And the freeing up of energy! Yes. Happy New Year to you, I hope that you have a wonderful year ahead!

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    1. Happy New Year Jess! I hope you also have an awesome year!!

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  2. I love the advice and I completely agree with it.

    Wishing you all the best in the year 2018!

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    1. Happy New Year Klara! All the best to you too!!

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    2. I just read your blog post and came to correct my comment. <3

      Happy and Healthy New Year to you and yours!! :)

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  3. I agree with this. It's like that Brene Brown comment that people are doing the best they can. That (which essentially means lowering expectations) changed my relationship with someone close to me. And as I type this, I suddenly realise I need to do this with someone else too! Thanks for the inspiration.

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    1. I love Brene Brown!! Her video about empathy is one of my favorite things. I'll see if I can post the link in this comment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

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    2. Well, no, I can't haha. I mean, I'm sure there's a way. I just don't know how to do it. But, if you're interested in watching the short animated video, you can copy and paste that link.

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  4. Someone in our pg loss support group suggested this once, and I have to admit, it makes a lot of sense! Glad it's working for you! :)

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  5. I am glad you had such a good counselor! I do agree with the advice as well. I had been disappointed and hurt by friends and family a lot until my husband told me that he thought it was impossible for them to "do the right thing" for me... that was quite an eye-opener ;-).

    Happy New Year to you!

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