Monday, February 4, 2019

My Sister Apologized

One of my most popular posts is about my sister being really inconsiderate and mean to me. She made many hurtful comments during my darkest years, not knowing how deeply she was cutting me with her words. We grew up very close, but I had to keep her at arm's length for several years. Unfortunately, I think maintaining safe distances is something that a lot of women dealing with infertility have to do.

What all she said hurt. It hurt so bad. It made me question who she was anymore, to say such mean and nasty things to me. Here was my sister who was completely obsessed with her own child, almost her whole being seemed to be wrapped up in being my niece's mother, and she could not empathize with my pain of not having children. It didn't make sense to me. Really, not much did make sense to me at the time.

I told myself that she did not intend to hurt me. Although she was being mean, my sister is not evil. I think there is definitely a difference. I knew that she loved me and that I loved her, but I didn't know if we would ever be close again. I sensed that she was sad and confused, but I had no energy at the time to explain anything to her. I had to protect my raw, grieving self.

I suppose it should've come as no surprise to me that my sister was going through some stressful stuff over the years. It's her business so I'm not sharing here (typical life stuff, nothing dramatic or movie-worthy), but a metaphorical dam broke when she called me crying on Thanksgiving and shared what she had been dealing with.

But what else she said was very interesting. She said that she had already talked to our mother, our other sister, and her best friend. She said she had learned a lot just by telling people what she was going through. She told me that everyone asked her so many questions about what she was going to do and gave her so much unsolicited advice. She said I just listened. She said I didn't stress her out further when she shared with me. She said, I am not even kidding, "Whenever you were going through your stuff, I never meant to hurt you but now I know I did. I don't know what all I said, but I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

Wow. Even now, months later, I still get feelings when I think about it.

I told her thank you. I told her thank you very much, that she did hurt me many times, but that I always tried to reassure myself by reminding myself that she loved me and did not mean to hurt me. She and I don't really want to go back and rehash together all that was said, but I did tell her that I really appreciated her apology.

My sister apologized.
Maybe my "miracle baby" never came, but miracles are still happening all around me.

16 comments:

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    1. Me too! :)

      I thought the time had passed. I thought she'd never know that she hurt me. I thought she'd never acknowledge any of it in the slightest.

      It meant a lot to me that she did. <3

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  2. Dear Phoenix, I'm sorry that your sister hurt you but also happy to read that she was able to apologize. Some people never recognize their mistakes and never apologize, which makes everything even worse. I hope you will be able to get closer again to your sister, if this is something you wish. xo

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  3. Oh, this is a lovely post. Unfortunately, so often it seems that people don't understand pain or gain empathy until they go through something themselves. I'm glad that she said she was sorry, and that she knows she hurt you. That's a great start to build a closer, more honest relationship. Yay!

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    1. So true! And it was definitely a good start, after many many years, for us to get our friendly, loving, sisterly relationship back on track. <3

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  4. Oh, I'm so glad to hear/read this! Many of us dream of having a conversation like this one... it's so nice to know it IS possible! Here's to apologies, new beginnings and a better relationship with your sister in the future!

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    1. Thank you Loribeth. This situation seems pretty common for women in our situation so I wanted to offer some hope that the seemingly impossible can sometimes happen. Never in a million years did I think my sister would ever apologize...

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  5. Wow. I agree, miracles do happen. And I’m glad of it for you and for your sister. I’m glad she was able to recognize that all the advice and supposed help was actually hurtful. It’s a huge step.

    May there continue to be healing for your relationship. It gives me hope that this can happen.

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    1. We are continuing to heal. I stopped answering most of her phone calls for several years because they hardly ever led to anything positive. But when she called and confided in me over Thanksgiving and shared how much she was struggling I thought: "Okay, I can't do anything for her. She is going to have to solve her own problems just like I had to do. I can't do it for her. But I can answer the phone when she calls. That is something that I can do for her." And she called last night, I answered, and we had a lovely chat for about ten minutes. <3

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  6. Oh, I'm so happy for you and your sister both. I'm sorry that it took her going through some things to recognize that she hurt you, but what an amazing thing that she DID come to realize how hurtful she had been to you. I hope this can catapult you into being close again.

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    1. Agreed! I don't want my sister to be in pain, but I am glad that she has a better understanding now of what helps (listening) and what doesn't (offering unsolicited advice and comments).

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  7. Wow, what an amazing story... I agree with Lori that we dream of that insensitive person coming back and telling us that they understand now, that they hurt us and feel badly about it...but it doesn't seem to happen, often. This IS a beautiful miracle that it happened with you and your relationship with your sister. It's amazing what happens when people have difficult moments of their own and realize that not everything people say to you is helpful, and realize that empathy piece that was missing before. I'm so happy that this is what happened!

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    1. Thank you Jess. I had given up hope that she was ever going to recognize that she was not nice to me. And she still doesn't realize what all she said over the years and the extent of the pain she caused. But those are details in the past that I don't want to unpack. I'd rather just move on. I'm stronger now and don't put up with shit hurled my way so I'm not in danger of repeating our old patterns. I am hopeful that she and I will be friends again.

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  8. Hi Phoenix, I'm so glad to read this. I've had huge difficulties with my own sister so I know what it's like. We are fairly distant emotionally now, although we do see each other. Do you think you and your sister will be 'back to normal'now? Anyway I'm happy you've had some sort of rapprochement x

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    1. As happy as I am to have my sister back and to feel like we will be friends again, I don't think things will ever be "back to normal." She's got some stuff she needs to work through and I don't know if she's going to or not. I am here to love and support her through anything, but I know from my own experience that she is going to have to figure out herself what she wants out of life. But yes, we have definitely had some sort of rapprochement! (Thank you, that's a new word for me. Rapprochement. The establishment of or the state of having cordial relations. Perfect!) <3

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