Saturday, June 29, 2019

Instigating a Baby Shower

To instigate means to urge, provoke, or incite to some action or course.
And that's exactly what I did. I instigated a baby shower.

Back up.


The last time I went to a baby shower was over five years ago. It was for one of my best friends from high school and it was a nice shower--lots of people, presents, finger foods, and cute things. Even though I was in the middle of suffering from infertility at the time, I was simultaneously happy for my friend and wanted to celebrate her. I remember it took a lot out of me though. I was very, very tired for many days after. And I thought, man, I'm really not going to another baby shower unless that person is reeeally important to me, if ever again...

Flash forward to now.

I have made a really good friend here. I moved a little over a year ago and I met her about three months after I moved. We met through someone we both know and she and I just really clicked. And then she got pregnant fairly quickly after we became friends. Doh! I mean, good for her of course. I want anyone who wants to get pregnant and raise children to be able to do so. I was just selfishly thinking, dang, I just met this cool new friend and now she's pregnant. Oh well...

But then the cool part is that she wasn't annoying. She wasn't smug. She wasn't inadvertently rude or dismissive. I don't even think she knows about my infertility stuff. She was just never over the top about her pregnancy. It was pretty easy (for me, after years of grief work) to continue being friends with her.

I stressed ahead of time about her baby shower though.
Would I go? Would I not go? Would I tell her why?

But then...

It never came. I never heard anything about a shower. And her due date was fast approaching. I thought to myself. I know the formal etiquette is to not have family members host a shower and I wasn't a family member; therefore, I could offer to throw one...

I texted her mom: "Does ***** want a baby shower? I haven't heard anything about one, but we could get together and decorate onesies if she wants to."

It turns out she didn't really want a shower because she didn't know who would come or what we would do but then the idea of decorating onesies got her excited and that is how I came to instigate a baby shower.

Hahahaha. Life is freaking weird.

So I instigated a baby shower. We had it at her house. I made food, her mom made food, her sister made food, she made food, and we decorated onesies with iron-ons and fabric pens. I brought pink plates and purple napkins and mentally prepared myself for a strong emotional response post-party (shocker: I didn't. Although it would've been fine if I'd had).

Right when I got there, my friend hugged me and said, "Thanks for doing all of this for me."

I didn't want a bachelorette party when I was getting married, but my best friend from college kinda made me have one and I'm sooo glad she did. She did something small, but it was perfect for me and I have the greatest memories from it.

That's why I did it; that's why I instigated a baby shower for my friend. So she would be celebrated and have good memories about an important time in her life.

I may never go to another baby shower again, but, hahaha, I hosted a damn good one. 😂😂


  1. What a great moment! That is amazing, that you are in the place where you can do this for a friend and make these memories, and it doesn't hurt the way it would have before. That is AWESOME.

    1. Never in a million years did I think I would find the sense of peace or the mental resting space to where doing something like this would be possible. You are exactly right: it didn't hurt the way it would have before. Not at all. It was a fun little party, which we happened to have ON her due date. (Like I said, her due date was fast approaching!) We all joked about the possibility of the baby attending her own baby shower haha, but she waited several more days to enter the world.

  2. You are a great friend! And yay, for healing enough to be able to do this. It sounds perfect. And I know what you mean about your friend being low key. When I was in hospital with my second ectopic, a friend who was seven months pregnant visited me. She was fine, because she always listened to me, and has never been over the top about pregnancy or being a mother. Friends like this are wonderful. Hang on to her! And I hope she hangs on to you too!

    1. I am incredibly grateful for the healing that enabled me to do this for my friend. We all had a great time and ended up eating, visiting, and decorating for hours. I am happy for this friend and my new friendship with her. Some people are just extra special. <3

  3. Dear Phoenix, I'm trying to catch up with my reading and I think you can be very proud to have organized this baby shower! Your friend must be very grateful and I'm very happy that your new friendship "survived" the pregnancy :-) She must be a great person.
    I hope you will feel less lonely over time in you new city. You are such a courageous woman, I really admire you.
    And I'm happy to read again more from you :-)
    I send you lots of hugs!

    1. I'm happy this new friendship "survived" the pregnancy too! :) And even though I moved out of the city, we are still not too far apart. We will continue to see each other and hang out. The more I get settled, the less lonely I feel. I am really lucky to have some great people in my life right now. I think moving just stirred up a lot of different emotions for me, which makes sense. I'm looking forward to the rest of the summer. :)

  4. Dear Phoenix, this is mindblowing! I am glad that you have such a good friend in your new area and that she is so easy about her pregnancy. But for you to host a baby shower - wow, this is simply amazing! It shows how far you have come in your healing. I am very happy for you :-).

    1. Ok, I'll admit, I am feeling a little proud of myself. Haha. It's just, when I found out this new friend was pregnant, I was in a place where I could make a choice--continue this friendship and enjoy the pregnancy/baby/child as an honorary "aunt" or not continue the friendship. I just kept taking small steps forward, allowing myself to feel my pain when it arose but also letting myself cultivate joy and excitement because I really do love kids. It felt like a "safe" situation in which to try to rejoin the world in this aspect again.

  5. GOING to a baby shower is one thing (and a pretty big thing itself!), but ORGANIZING/hosting/instigating one?? I am impressed!! Well done!!

    1. Hahaha, right?? I can barely believe it myself.

      While I was instigating the shower and then again later when I was decorating cupcakes to bring, I thought to myself, Am I really doing this? Do I want to do this? How am I feeling? What do I need?

      But really, and I can't even explain it, it just felt right. <3 I enjoyed it, my friend enjoyed it, and all was well.

      And it is highly likely that I won't go to another one again, hahaha, which is just fine. :)

  6. aw that is so lovely and thoughtful of you!

    1. Thank you. We had a great time! Who would've ever thought... :)