And I did it!!!
And I am lonely.
Oh well... Nothing is perfect. Despite my loneliness, I am still very happy, excited, and grateful. Not to mention, I'm a little bit impressed with myself for making it all happen on my own...
But now I realize that it is safe to fall apart. I am not trying to get pregnant or get through grad school or move out of state or get through a divorce. All of that is done. I am safe in my new home, where I plan to take it pretty damn easy for a month before I start my new job.
I was lonely in my marriage. He was a great provider, but our friendship was disintegrating. We worked so hard on a new life plan that I thought we both wanted, but then he never looked for a job or expressed any interest in moving. In fact, he seemed to have lost interest in me. I am sorry to say that our marriage did not survive infertility.
I knew what I was compromising on when I got married, but no relationship is perfect. My former husband was an honest, hardworking man. He would have been a great father. But that didn't happen. And neither was anything else. I was grieving and growing and changing and, well, he... Wasn't. I had to keep moving forward. I couldn't stay stuck. I had spent too many years of my life feeling like the living dead and I had to figure out something different for myself.
I thought I'd be less lonely once the divorce was final. But I'm not. The biggest loss for me in the divorce was losing the one person who was there for me through all of the trauma of infertility. The one person who understood what all I had been through.
On Sunday I got my period. They are really bad these days. They completely wipe me out with emotions and fatigue. And it was Father's Day. I am lucky to still have my dad and we have a great relationship, but every time I went to call him I just started crying. Hard. I couldn't do it. I sent him a text. He understood.
So here I am, 4 years and 3 months after my 2nd and final round of IVF didn't result in pregnancy, living in a cute little rental home outside of the city surrounded by nature. I have a job waiting for me, and my most basic needs are met. I still need to do some post-divorce name change stuff, but other than that I am almost done with boring administrative tasks for a little bit and can take a much needed break.
I'm lonely because it's such a big moment, but I have no one to celebrate it with.
Well, no one but you all. Hence, this blog post... <3
I'm back, I've got a lot on my mind, and I absolutely need to start writing again.
I'm looking forward to getting caught up on my reading. Wishing everyone a wonderful week!
Love, Phoenix
Congratulations on all you have to celebrate, and big squeezy hugs for all that you are mourning and for the goo you're allowing yourself to be now that things in so many arenas have fallen into place. It seems massively unfair that you should get your period on Father's Day. I'm sorry your marriage didn't survive infertility. I hope that this new life you have created for yourself, and this month of insulation and tearing-down-and-rebuilding yourself, all bring you the happiness you so deserve. Thinking of you and wrapping you in love!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jess. I remember another comment you left me somewhat recently, saying that you hoped I found "a soft spot to land." That phrase really resonated with me and I kept coming back to it as I was looking for a job and a place to live. Mission accomplished! I found a definite soft spot to land. It's peaceful here, and I signed a one-year lease. Then I'll take it from there. Thank you for unknowingly giving me great guidance during my search!! <3
DeleteDear Phoenix, I cried reading this. You are such a brave woman! I am proud of you and sending a million hugs ♡.
ReplyDeleteThank you for celebrating with me Elaine. <3 <3 <3
DeleteI'm here for you too. You are doing so well, and yet you recognise the need to be kind to yourself in all that you are going through - that's really important. Loneliness is normal as you adjust to your new life. But you're never alone here. You should be so proud of yourself, and I hope you know that we're all proud of you too.
ReplyDeleteThank you Mali. I appreciate that reminder, that loneliness is normal. It goes along with the idea of being happy all the time isn't realistic or even healthy. It's all a part of the spectrum of feelings that we can have. I'm so grateful for your support and everyone's here. Thank you. <3
DeleteWell done for managing the move and everything by yourself. Once you a ready for it, my advice would be to get out and really explore your new area. Maybe there are interesting classes you could attend or meet up groups to help make connections and find like minded friends. Or just some nice cafes to sit and enjoy a coffee. Here's to a new start!
ReplyDeleteThank you!! I'm looking forward to exploring my new area. There's a couple coffee shops and bars and a library and a community rec center. The quilting classes I was taking before I moved again were a lot of fun and I met cool women there. (I was going to say people but they happen to all be women.) Maybe there's a group around here that I can meet up with. :)
DeleteCatching up on some posts...! I am sorry you are feeling lonely in this post-divorce period, but I have to say, the overall vibe I'm getting from your recent posts is contentment. I hope you have/had/are having a nice rest before you start your new job. I imagine a lot of the classes/activities people mentioned above might be taking a break over the summer, but I'm sure things will start up again in the fall. :) Enjoy exploring your new community!
ReplyDeleteThanks Loribeth! I feel like yesterday was the first day I could finally relax in over three months. It was great. I think the feeling of loneliness was due more to the combo of moving after infertility and divorce. I had just worked through so much to get to where I got, but the only people that can really understand that are other people that are living their lives after infertility without their children. It was just something I really needed to write about, but I'm glad to already be feeling better. <3
Delete