Sunday, August 11, 2019

Stages of My Survival

Some thoughts on...

Pressing Forward
I had another blogger email me a month or two ago. I always greatly appreciate connecting with other women like myself, those who are living life without children after infertility. And it was really cool to hear from her in particular because it's her blog that was the first one I read start to finish. Through her writing, she helped me so, so much when she didn't even know I was reading. So, back to her email, there was a phrase she used that has stuck with me: pressing forward. She commended me for doing such. And, as she usually does, she gave me words for my experience. That's all you can do once you start moving/living/doing something again. Initially, it is one slow, heavy step at a time. It can take years to build momentum, but there is no timeline. There is only pressing forward.

Changes of Scenery
Until things become lighter. It's so gradual that it is imperceptible. But one day, one-one thousandth of an ounce is lifted from your shoulders, your legs, your chest, your heart. And you notice it. For me, what made the biggest difference was a major change of scenery. Selling the house I had bought for my children was necessary for me. After that, I moved into a rental house while I went back to school, but I was still in the same city. Moving out of that city (and out of the state entirely) to a different city helped immensely, as I never would have done that had my children been conceived, born, and raised where I was. Moving out of state to finish school changed my life forever because my husband did not follow and now we are divorced. But it is moving to where I am now, out of that city and into a small town, that has been the most transformative. It's only been a couple of months so I can't quite put it into words yet, but I know major changes are happening within. So, at least in my case, a change of scenery helps!

Back To Work
And this past week I went back to work. I actually returned to my previous career, one that I never thought I'd do again. That said, I always maintained my licensure and certifications because you just never know... I am incredibly thankful for my new job. It just feels right. There will be good days and there will be bad, but I'm glad that those days will be happening in a place where I want to live.

Living My Life
Which brings me to living my life... I am almost overwhelmed with how much I like my life. It's weird because it doesn't look ANYTHING like my lifelong dream or even my Plan B, but I just kept pressing forward and this is where I am. I'm quite proud of myself. None of it was easy. But now I'm here. I have housing, I have employment, and I have a hobby that I enjoy. Speaking of, I am almost finished with my very first quilt.

I suppose my final thoughts are along the lines of life is a winding path and I expect to continue to revisit the same issues and difficult topics throughout it. It's not just infertility. It's divorce. And dating. And falling in love again. It's my unhealthy mother. And my sisters whom I love with all of my heart. And whom also accidentally hurt my feelings a lot. It's fertile people stating rude assumptions. It's experiencing the holiday that is hardest for me every year. It's trying to make friends as a grown-ass woman without kids and also trying to make time to see said friends.

It's life. But it's mine. It's stressful. But there's tons of good stuff too. I created a life I want to live.


  1. I am so happy for your pressing forward, and creating the life that you want to live and that you love so much. I am with you on the house -- leaving the house where we had planned for a different life and that held so many unfulfilled dreams and futures that never happened...that created such a lightness. I can't believe I ever considered staying in that house, know that I know what it's like to move to something that is meant for my present, no alternate futures lurking in the corners. You are an inspiration, and I am so glad that you are writing about your process and your winding road! Sending you a big hug. Cheers to surviving and thriving!

    1. Thank you Jess. It was scary for me to start a blog. But apparently I had a lot I wanted to say because it is already coming up on my 3rd blogging anniversary (in October). Haha. It has really helped me to write. So thank you for reading and commenting and writing yourself and all of the support that comes with all of that! Here's to surviving and thriving!!! <3

  2. This is brilliant. And I guess you're an example of why we don't have to decide on a Plan B immediately. Because often we'll find ourselves doing something completely different, or perhaps exactly the same, and not at all what we expected when we start this No Kidding part of our lives. I'm still trying to figure out my Plan B (or by now it's probably a Plan J or K)!

    It makes me really happy to read this, and to hear how happy you sound. (I hope we'll get some photos of the first quilt?) I and sure you give inspiration to those who are still stuck in the mire. We've all been there, and I'm so glad you're blogging and simply by sharing your experience, you're giving others a hand, helping pull them out of that. Brava.

  3. Like Jess & Mali, I am so happy that you are so happy! :) You're truly an inspiration to all of us. I'm with you & Jess on the change of scenery. I was dragged out of my house kicking & screaming ;) but I have had to admit that I love our condo & it's much more conducive to the life we have now & the life we expect to live as we age without children (and not the life with children we hoped for & expected 30-odd years ago).

  4. Here's another one piping up about how happy I am that you are happy too! I never really had a 'plan B' as such, I just knew I wanted to find happiness and that I would eventually discover it. Giving myself time and space to grieve and doing things I wanted to do instead of following the crowd is what helped restore my equilibrium.

    I'll echo what Mali said that by you sharing your experiences you are helping others shape their futures too, we all are in our own small way by blogging, I hope.

    Proud of you and what you have achieved!