I fell apart on Sunday. I woke up feeling off and was soon unexplainably crying.
I felt hollow, defeated, and just so sad.
So I just sat with my feelings. Well, I sat with them as they poured out of my tear ducts. And came out with my shallow breaths. And I realized that my body was remembering a bad anniversary.
It's been five years since my first IVF did not result in pregnancy.
Five years since I got that phone call.
Five years since I hung up the phone,
collapsed on the floor,
and
howled from a place deep inside me,
feeling the worst pain and trauma
that could only be caused by
the most devastating loss of my life.
And this past Sunday I felt a fraction of that pain and sadness again. To say the least, it sucked.
So, Sunday sucked. I cried. I felt sad. I cried some more. Pretty hard.
Then I got out of the house and followed through with some plans I'd been looking forward to and I was really glad I did. It wasn't a very good day, but I did the best I could with it. Then it passed.
And I'm still left with a bit of an "exhaustion hangover" but that's fine.
It's all a part of the grief and recovery process.
I’m sorry. Sending care.
ReplyDeleteThank you. <3
DeleteI know. Sending you a big hug across the Atlantic. Klara
ReplyDeleteThank you for the hug Klara! It's comforting to feel understood. <3
DeleteThese things hit us when we least expect them. I'm glad you let yourself grieve, and then managed to get out and do something other, unrelated things. I hope you recover from the grief hangover soon. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Writing about it helped. It took a long time to write, but I was really sorting through a lot. I wanted to put words to the experience and I knew I would be supported here. <3
Delete"Exhaustion hangover." How I know those well. I'm glad you wrote this all out. There's things like this that hit me hard too, unfortunately when I least expect it.
ReplyDeleteThe whole week has been a little tough. You're right: it always seems to happen when I least expect it. <3
DeleteI'm so sorry, Phoenix. I hope that the hangover is gone by now <3.
ReplyDeleteThank you Elaine. I don't feel 100%, but I do feel better. <3
DeleteIt's funny how often that happens -- and yes, when you least expect it, but when you think about it, you realize there's a valid reason behind what you're feeling. (((Hugs))) I hope this week has been better!
ReplyDeleteYep! You forget and just go on about your life. And then you feel horrible and don't know why until you think about it and then it makes sense. Thankfully, these waves of grief hit less often over time. Thank you loribeth. <3
Delete