Thursday, December 17, 2020

Not a Good Time

I am not having a good time. I want to write something, but I don't know what to say. My thoughts and feelings are all jumbled and I'm probably just going to sit with them for awhile. Let them figure themselves out on their own; I'm tired of doing all the work.

My job situation is horrible. I asked for three things. They conceded to one. (Trust me, I wasn't asking for much. You would be appalled if I told you the details. Everyone else in real life is shocked when I tell them. But I don't want my anonymous blog to go viral for the wrong reasons.) My employer's treatment of my safety concerns during a pandemic doesn't make them look good. I probably even have grounds for a lawsuit in there, but that's not my style. I just want the whole thing to be over.

My boyfriend is depressed. Understandably. This pandemic sucks. But it's hard. It's really hard for me. I have already been through so much, fought for so much, faced all of those existential and even morbid questions. Please believe me when I say I empathize with those fighting depression. I've been fighting depression since I was 8. Now it's more of a management situation than a battle, but the war within still rages every now and then. But overall, I have found my mental resting spot. I am okay. To put it tritely, I know everything sucks but I still choose life anyway. 

So I'm not saying it's easy. And I'm definitely not saying you have to fight it every day, that's too tall of an order. But you do have to fight depression overall. 

Or don't. It's your hole to choose.

Yesterday I was trying to engage him in conversation so I could feel connected to him or something, but he was so exasperated with my efforts he just snapped, "I have nothing to give!"

Oh.

Ok...

I get that. I really do. I sooooo get that. 

But.

It just didn't sit well with me. I haven't had a lot to give either, but I've given anyway. Yes, that's a choice I made. I don't just give, give, give all over the place like I used to (Thanks again for the boundaries, infertility!), but I save what goodness I can for my home. 

Anyway, that's just my approach. To each their own I suppose.

I've been giving A LOT lately. In several different areas. And I haven't gotten much back. I think it's important for me to be reflective about that. Why? Why am I making the choices I make? What do I need? What am I receiving? What do I want? I don't expect to have answers now or even soon. I'm taking the rest of 2020 off.

I'm not having a good time. However, unlike my younger years, I have a great relationship with myself. That's how I know I'm okay overall. It just sucks really bad right now.

I thought my life at 41 would look much different. I thought I'd own a house. I thought there'd be a family. I thought there'd be stability. Ha! Hahahahahahaaa. At least I can still laugh.

13 comments:

  1. I’m sorry ­čś× that response sounds painful. I wonder if it was a blurt that he might regret and he might be more amenable to talking through the bigger picture and how you’re feeling and what you need? I hope so. Sending care.

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    1. Thank you! That's kinda what I was thinking.

      I am really verbal (stereotypical female) and he is really not (stereotypical male), so we've worked on finding a balance that works well for both of us. He knows I like to talk things out and I know he doesn't haha. So, after taking some time away from the moment, I thought - well, he clearly communicated and that's what I was asking for. :)

      One thing that I really like and that I've learned from him is that he pretty much resets each day. While I can dwell and linger and carry things over for days (please give poor teenage me a hug), he is pretty good at not doing that. So... Pretty soon after I hit "publish" he and I talked briefly and went back to enjoying each other's company. We just needed some space. And we're all allowed bad moods and days.

      It's been really hard and I'm damn proud of all of us. Thank you again for your comment!

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    2. I can relate to an M living in Shirley stereo typical relationship roles, as well. Sounds like you guys are doing some great negotiating and give-and-take. Glad the second conversation went better it sounds like. Yes hugs to your teenager and I’m proud of us too!

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  2. Dear Phoenix,
    I am thinking of you. Wishing you all the best.
    love,
    Klara

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    1. Thank you always Klara. <3

      What a difference a day or two can make, but I really wanted to write what I was feeling in the moment because, well, it's important... No matter how alone I feel in the moment, I know we all feel these ways sometimes. Sometimes I'm afraid I come off as too cheery on my blog. Ha!

      But yes, it has been really really hard lately. Thankfully, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And no, it's not a train lol. :)

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  3. Hi Phoenix, you are not alone, send a big hug to you! There are really many crazy people now. I am fighting depression too. Sometimes I just want to be alone and do not want to say any word. I do not know how your boyfriend feel. He may need time. 2020 is going.... Wish you a nice Christmas holilday! Stay Healthy.

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    1. Hi TingTing! Thank you for the hug!! I am sorry to hear you are fighting depression too. Everything is so hard right now. I'm sending a big hug back to you. <3

      I am learning that. Sometimes you just need some silence.

      2020 is definitely going out the door... Buh-Bye 2020!!!

      Wishing you warmth and peace and enjoyment of the little things!

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  4. I'm sorry this all sucks so bad. You are amazing and deserve what you want: small, big, hard asks, easy asks....chocolate included.
    I am sending you gentle hugs and thankful you two have figured out what works best for each of you to be a "WE"

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    1. Thank you!!! And how did you know that I require chocolate? Chocolate always helps. :)

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  5. Sending you so much love, this just sounds hard on all fronts. I hate this pandemic so much. I hate the added stress and drain. I hope it gets better for you and your boyfriend!

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    1. We. Are. Tired. Everyone is! I wish I could give everyone a big fat, restful nap and we could all wake up with our bills paid and the pandemic over. I'm not asking for much. We'll all get right back into working and serving and communing again. We all just need a nap, some money, and a cure. <3

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  6. I can relate... my dh is quick to blow up but also fairly quick to calm down & apologize. And this pandemic is adding a whole new level of stress... for 9 months now! Sending more (((hugs)))... and chocolate, lol.

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    1. This pandemic IS adding a whole new level of stress... For 9 freaking months!! Thanks for always understanding. And I will take all the chocolate lol. :)

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