Well, I had a terrible day. I got mad about something early in the morning and then my feelings spiraled from there. I found myself crying and thinking, "What is this about??" while also telling myself, "Gahhh, you do not have to analyze everything!!" at the same time. Yeah, it was fun.
Anyway, I think it's the obvious. I think it's the pandemic. It's probably several things, but it all comes down to the pandemic. I think I'm mad and sad and unhappy and easily irritated because we are on month 11 of this bullshit. I haven't been to a restaurant since mid-March last year. I go grocery shopping once a month at 5:30 in the morning because people here don't wear masks. I haven't hung out with a friend since last May (and even that was masked, outside, and physically distanced). I also quit my job because I didn't feel safe.
But... My family members (none of whom live near me) and my new community where I live now continue to dine out and go to the gym and travel and shop and socialize and do whatever they seemingly feel like.
It's such a mind warp.
And it's affecting me.
Like, there is a pandemic going on, right? It hasn't gone away yet, right? Thousands of people are dying every day and the best thing I can do is just stay home, right?
But this is an infertility blog, not a pandemic blog...
I'm just so sad because, like infertility, I don't see the pandemic ending. I see it as something that I just have to learn to deal with. Like my infertility and childlessness, the pandemic hasn't gone away. I need to figure out how I am going to live my life for the long-term like this because it has been a year and the pandemic is still here.
It was a really bad day. It manifested physically and I got sick. Repeatedly. I called my doctor for some anti-nausea medication, but I've only seen her once so she doesn't know me well and doesn't know that this is what my body does under stress so... No meds for me. No hard feelings though. I understand the doctor wanting to see me before prescribing anything.
But it left me in bed all day, feeling awful and feeling sorry for myself.
I'm feeling better now, both physically and emotionally. Things have calmed down and I just wanted to write a post, even if I had nothing much to say. My girlfriends/social life consists of the blogosphere and texting these days, so I really appreciate you. I just want you to know that.
If you're having a hard time or just a really bad day, I am sorry.
Infertility and the pandemic.
It's hard and it sucks. But YOU don't suck, and you are not alone.