NOW:
We are six weeks into the new year and I have been processing A LOT, including, but not limited to, quitting my job, my marriage and divorce, relationships with family members, my relationship with myself, and how I continue to live my life after infertility without my children. It hasn't been easy. I thought I cried a lot before 2021? Well, this year has been especially... Cleansing.
I do feel a strong internal pressure to get moving (i.e., get a new job), but I know that if I do right now I will not be effective in whatever I do next. How do I explain that in a professional way in my next job interview? "Yeah, I took some time off to finally process, uninterrupted, the last traumatic decade of my life?" No... I'll have to come up with a different answer. In the meantime, I will continue to replenish my resources.
I have a lot to be thankful for, but that's not what I'm processing. I am processing the onslaught of meanness that I allowed in my life for so long. I am realizing what I need to feel loved and known and I am learning how to communicate my boundaries, whether they are respected or not.
I don't want to constantly analyze my feelings and interactions, but I am TIRED of reliving the same dynamics over and over. I must think and read and reflect about all of this stuff so that I can empower myself to change my ingrained patterns.
I've worked hard and I deserve to enjoy the happiness I've found and created for myself. I don't have to explain or justify it, no matter who is demanding answers from me (e.g., my mom). I don't have to answer the phone if I know I am only going to be insulted (e.g., my middle sister).
THEN:
While going through infertility, I lost the majority of my friendships. It HURT SO BAD. But it changed me forever. I am no longer eager to have people in my life just because I've known them a long time or because we are related. I need people that support me and that I can support. I don't need a big group of people. I have definitely learned that lesson.
I'm going through and rereading my old posts so I can add labels to them. When I was first reading IF blogs, this was one of my favorite ways to read people's old posts. I would click on a label that resonated with me that day and read all of the related posts. So that is what I am going back and doing for my posts now.
Wow. It has been an interesting experience going back and reading what I wrote. I'm so glad I started blogging when I did or I would have forgotten so many thoughts and feelings from my recovery process. I have grown. A LOT. I can see it in my own writing. I am stronger, more self-confident, and more self-assured. I have my experiences with infertility and my hard-earned recovery from it to thank for my newfound clarity.
But you know what? Growth is lonely. Growth is change. And people don't do well when you start changing. You can't be their subconscious punching bag anymore. You can't be the person they know that is worse off than them. (Yes, this gives certain personality types a vast amount of comfort.) You aren't the same person anymore and they don't know how to handle the new you. Some people will celebrate with you. Some people are up for the excitement of getting to know the new you and your growth. Others simply fade away.
NOW:
I'm thankful for my growth. I'm glad I was willing to face my loneliness. I am still frustrated and processing a lot, but I am not where I used to be. I like myself and, pandemic aside, I like my life.
I no longer deal with the haters.
I just got back from the fabric/wool store, and I was thinking about you as I unpacked my bag of wool! lol Your fabric is adorable.
ReplyDeleteI love your paragraph about people not doing well when you start changing. I've seen that in some people over the years. The first was professionally. I had a woman who was supposedly supportive, but really she only wanted me to keep in my place, and continue to look up to her. Similarly on the ectopic messageboard, with an older woman who took the role of mentor for those of us who were going through ectopics at the time. I even met her and stayed with her in the UK. But as I recovered and thrived on my own, she couldn't handle it, and simply disappeared from my life, which wasn't my choice. She moved on to other younger women in pain. Perhaps that's what she needed - an outlet for nurturing instincts. But I would have liked her to stay in my life too.
Finally, I 100% agree with your comments about not ceding energy to those who don't understand, and don't try to understand. People who make everything about them, even our own difficulties. (A friend and I were talking about this yesterday). I think as women, we're often taught to put our own feelings last, and this just fills us with guilt, and makes us vulnerable. It's so much healthier to set boundaries, as you have done.
Another great post!
I'm glad this post made sense! I've been feeling so wordy lately, less concise. But even when the writing isn't necessarily flowing, it's important that I keep writing.
DeleteI started out thinking about rereading and labeling my old posts, but I was also thinking about everything I've been processing during my time of healing and unemployment. So this post ended up feeling like a lot of different thoughts at once.
But yes! When we change, our relationships change and it is often very difficult. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. There are people I wish were still in my orbit as well.
Oh!! That makes so much sense: "people who make everything about them." That is really, really helpful for me because you helped me realize that is the underlying dynamic with one relationship of mine in particular. Thank you!
Two things really stood out to me:
ReplyDelete- "I am processing the onslaught of meanness that I allowed in my life for so long."
and
- "Growth is lonely. Growth is change."
I am glad that you are keeping your energy sacred. I am glad that you aren't willing to be a punching bag for others anymore. I can relate to that, a lot.
I never labeled my posts, but I did go back and read through a while ago and it was EXHAUSTING. To relive that visceral pain all over again. Be kind to yourself -- it's fascinating to see who you were and who you are now, but also, it takes a toll. It is wonderful to see how far you've come though!
Your fabric is beautiful! Love the kitty cats. I also love your happy life that you've built and the space you are giving yourself to heal and figure out what's next, no rush. Sending you love!
Wellll, old habits die hard. ;) But I am doing a better job of protecting my energy!
DeleteAnd you are so right about rereading old posts. I do it in small bursts. I haven't even made it through my first year of blogging yet haha. I usually read 3 - 5 posts, maybe a couple more. And I only do it when I'm in a good head space. But thank you for your heads up!! :)
Thank you for loving my life. That's a message I didn't know I needed to hear until right now. Thank you so much. <3 <3 <3
I didn't know what the hell I was doing when I first started blogging (lol) so my labelling was rather sporadic in those early years. I have applied labels to old posts as I've stumbled onto them, and one of these days/years I intend to go alllllll the way back and re-read everything and apply relevant labels (and fix typos -- yikes!). Someday...!
ReplyDeleteReading old posts can definitely bring up a lot of emotions, though. I see in a comment above that you mention you're just doing it in small bursts, which is probably wise advice.
I think the most jarring post for me to read is "I Do Not Miss TTC" which has been in my top 5 popular posts for awhile now. I haven't read it in a long time because it is a long list of how I lived my life for years and it depresses me.
DeleteInterestingly, as I'm rereading old posts, I'm finding that reading the word "husband" is sadder than all of the infertility stuff. Probably because my marriage is a more recent loss. And even though I left him, it still took me by surprise.
But I like reading (over and over) my attitude of "I'm tired and life isn't fair but I'm going tackle ____ next anyway." :-D
I've heard it so much that it almost sounds trite to me, but that old quote sure is true: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." I cannot emphasize HOW GLAD I am to be where I am, who I am, and with whom I'm with for this pandemic and period of unemployment and reflection.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single blog post?? Hahaha :)