Feeling (a little) Better

I feel terrible and I still feel better than I have in a whole year. 

While going through infertility, I lived in a heightened state. I could NOT calm down.
So when I was feeling that way again last fall, I thought, "OH HELL NO."

*****

A year ago I was living where I didn't want to live and working a job that I didn't want to retire from (or even do anymore). I was facing a move and a job search and then the pandemic hit. I went from zero to 100 overnight in terms of my anxiety. My boyfriend and I immediately went to the worst case scenario and began ordering bulk foods and a deep freezer. (Thankfully, we got the deep freezer delivered before inventory was depleted last spring.)

We had a hard move. The company didn't have a rental truck available for us on our reserved day so we had to wait around another two weeks for a small truck, which required us to make two roundtrips. And where we moved to was over four hours away! It was the heat of the summer. Plus, it was a pandemic, so even stopping for the bathroom was majorly anxiety-provoking.

*****

Then, just two weeks later, I started my new job and nobody wore masks regularly. 😱

I did the best I could. Despite the facts of the situation. Despite the paperwork and people-related challenges of the job on a normal day. Despite the stresses and constant changes that came with working in schools during a pandemic. Despite not being allowed to ask my younger students to wear a mask while working with me. Despite one administrator being rude to me (while I was working with a student!) about an online link not being available because I was required to attend the weekly meeting in person. Despite being the ONLY person (I saw) to wear a mask all day.

I tried.

But after three months of sitting in three to five meetings a week in rooms full of people where I was the only one wearing a mask, I couldn't do it anymore. I hit my breaking point and resigned.

I knew I was in bad shape. I knew my mental health had taken a hit. I was just so worn out. 

I have since utilized all of the self-care tools I can think of and have allowed myself lots and lots of rest. I really like cognitive-behavioral techniques and also mindful breathing, journaling, sewing, watching old tv shows, and eating haha. I am feeling better.

*****

The connection to infertility?

My anxiety was high. I knew I didn't have to live like that. I knew I had already been through enough in the last ten years. I knew that I had just met these people and they had no authority over my life at all. They certainly had no right to make decisions that I felt put my health at risk.

Infertility gave me the boundaries I definitely needed. I know that no one understands my life. They don't have to. They don't have to live it.

I do.