Friday, February 26, 2021

Feeling (a little) Better

I feel terrible and I still feel better than I have in a whole year. 

While going through infertility, I lived in a heightened state. I could NOT calm down.
So when I was feeling that way again last fall, I thought, "OH HELL NO."

*****

A year ago I was living where I didn't want to live and working a job that I didn't want to retire from (or even do anymore). I was facing a move and a job search and then the pandemic hit. I went from zero to 100 overnight in terms of my anxiety. My boyfriend and I immediately went to the worst case scenario and began ordering bulk foods and a deep freezer. (Thankfully, we got the deep freezer delivered before inventory was depleted last spring.)

We had a hard move. The company didn't have a rental truck available for us on our reserved day so we had to wait around another two weeks for a small truck, which required us to make two roundtrips. And where we moved to was over four hours away! It was the heat of the summer. Plus, it was a pandemic, so even stopping for the bathroom was majorly anxiety-provoking.

*****

Then, just two weeks later, I started my new job and nobody wore masks regularly. đŸ˜±

I did the best I could. Despite the facts of the situation. Despite the paperwork and people-related challenges of the job on a normal day. Despite the stresses and constant changes that came with working in schools during a pandemic. Despite not being allowed to ask my younger students to wear a mask while working with me. Despite one administrator being rude to me (while I was working with a student!) about an online link not being available because I was required to attend the weekly meeting in person. Despite being the ONLY person (I saw) to wear a mask all day.

I tried.

But after three months of sitting in three to five meetings a week in rooms full of people where I was the only one wearing a mask, I couldn't do it anymore. I hit my breaking point and resigned.

I knew I was in bad shape. I knew my mental health had taken a hit. I was just so worn out. 

I have since utilized all of the self-care tools I can think of and have allowed myself lots and lots of rest. I really like cognitive-behavioral techniques and also mindful breathing, journaling, sewing, watching old tv shows, and eating haha. I am feeling better.

*****

The connection to infertility?

My anxiety was high. I knew I didn't have to live like that. I knew I had already been through enough in the last ten years. I knew that I had just met these people and they had no authority over my life at all. They certainly had no right to make decisions that I felt put my health at risk.

Infertility gave me the boundaries I definitely needed. I know that no one understands my life. They don't have to. They don't have to live it.

I do. 

12 comments:

  1. sending many good wishes across the Atlantic!

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  2. I'm so glad you could make the decision to leave your job and keep your boundaries intact. NO ONE was wearing masks? That makes me want to vomit. I'm glad you are safe, I'm glad you can take some time to explore what's next, and I'm glad you put such a priority on healing and living YOUR life.

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    1. I'm safe. I'm depressed, but I'm safe. And even though I'm depressed, I DO feel better than I have in a year. My anxiety has decreased a lot. A big part of that is I am no longer forced to interact with unmasked people.

      Nope, no one wore a mask in meetings. I barely saw them wearing them in the hallways and classrooms. I was also definitely feeling hater vibes from others for wearing a mask. Completely bizarre.

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  3. Boundaries are so important. As women, we are often discouraged from setting boundaries, even when our own behaviour is restricted by society or by men. Grrr. I'm so glad you stood up for yourself and resigned. (What an ignorant group of people at that school! It is mind-boggling to me.) And isn't it a gift of infertility that we have learned to set boundaries that improve our lives - what we will and won't tolerate, rather than what we are permitted or not permitted to do.

    I love this!

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    1. Oh, I've got boundaries now! That's for sure. But I had to go through infertility to develop them.

      And, yes, I'm looking forward to having co-workers who take reasonable precautions while at work during a pandemic.

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  4. “I feel terrible and I still feel better than I have in a whole year.“ Wow, Phoenix. It must have been such a difficult year. I am glad that you respected your own boundaries and drew the consequences with your job, even if it wasn't easy. You did protect your mental health. Sending hugs <3!

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    1. Yeah it sucked. I didn't like where I lived and then there was the pandemic (moving during it and enduring it overall). And then I had to quit my new job that I was so excited about. :(

      I'm starting to get really tired of moving and changing jobs. I just want to settle down! But it needs to be in the right place (where I think I am now) and the right employer (to be determined).

      Thank you Elaine. <3

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  5. Ugh! Blogger has eaten my comment three times. So here's hoping #4 works: I so totally get you! As we discussed on my blog, this pandemic has delivered levels of anxiety that even the best of us find sanity-testing. May we continue to look after ourselves and recognize what we need and allow for the space to just 'be' on those really tough days. Sending you strength and stamina xx

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    1. Thank you. I always appreciate validation! This has been so hard. Thank you for the wishes of strength and stamina. I think that's exactly what I need. I am wishing the same for you. <3

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  6. Good for you! There was a guy in the elevator of our building today (parking garage to the 4th floor) who was not wearing a mask (even though they're mandated in common areas of the building) and chatting away (spewing germs??). I couldn't believe it, and the stress I felt during that short ride was through the roof. I can't imagine sitting in meetings right now day after day, week after week, where NO ONE is masked!!

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    1. I felt like I was living in an episode of The Twilight Zone!

      I didn't even "ask permission" to start attending meetings virtually; I just started asking someone from each meeting to send me an online link. Well, apparently, administration didn't like that and informed me that my physical presence was required. Oh to be a fly on the wall for that phone conversation... I held my ground with my boss as I very calmly and professionally told her I absolutely would not attend any meetings in person while our county was at an almost 20% positivity rate and cited my state's guidelines and mandates that supported me. I even had a letter on file with HR from my doctor saying I should attend all meetings virtually. But when the head of HR told me that she didn't even believe in masks... My letter of resignation actually said that I'm resigning due to lack of reasonable and state-supported covid precautions.

      I think they wanted me out of there before I influenced others. I wasn't there to change the culture; I was just trying to do my job in a safe and ethical manner. I wouldn't be surprised if they were afraid I was going to file a lawsuit or an OSHA violation. For better or worse, that's not my nature. I just wanted to protect myself, get out of there, and get on with my life.

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