We can get so much calm and satisfaction from certainty, even when that certainty is an illusion. So it makes sense that being in a state of limbo can drive us crazy. Well, that's where I am again: in the in between space of what happened before and what will happen next.
limbo (noun) —
an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.
a place or state of imprisonment or confinement.
I don't like it.
Ohhh well.
Enduring the pandemic and unemployment is a very stressful and anxiety-producing time period. Here I am, just waiting waiting waiting. Waiting for my vaccine. Waiting to hang out with people again. Waiting to go eat at a restaurant. Waiting to take a trip somewhere. Waiting to get a job. Waiting to make money (so I can go eat at a restaurant and go take a trip somewhere).
All this waiting... It's just like... Well, you know.
Having experience with something IS helpful. I'm thankful for that. I am doing my best to practice acceptance that this is my life right now. I wake up in the same house and do the same things every day (eat, shower, dishes, sew, read)... It's a little boring, but I remind myself it would be much, much worse if I didn't have a place to live, food to eat, or hobbies to do. I can handle being bored. I can handle being lonely. Unfortunately, once I was honest with myself, being bored and lonely was a big part of my marriage. Being bored and lonely was definitely a big part of infertility. So, like I said, I have experience on my side.
What is next? I don't know...
I really don't like this time period. I remind myself that it is temporary. My goal is to have a job by July, but it could happen even sooner. I'm applying for remote jobs right now, holding off on applying for in-person jobs for a couple more months. I'm thankful I can hibernate during the pandemic, even though it is boring and lonely. At least I am safe.
Thinking of everyone! I know this is dragging on and we are all really tired of it. I am always here. I check my blog almost every day. So I will be here, riding out this time in limbo...
Waiting, in limbo, is something I am not very good at. I love being able to plan and anticipate things, but a pandemic doesn't enable you to do that.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're here at the blog writing regularly - for you AND for me! - and I'm very very glad you are safe. I wish I could make it go faster for you. Sending hugs.
Thanks Mali!! I'm glad I'm writing regularly too. It is so helpful. Thank you for reading and commenting regularly. That is also immensely helpful. I daydream about meeting everyone one day... I want to have one big international party! :)
DeleteI am keeping my fingers crossed... that you get a remote job for now.
ReplyDeleteThank you! A remote job would be great because it would be a paycheck while working in a safe environment. But if I'm being honest, I really feel fulfilled when I am helping people. Most remote jobs that I qualify for are sales-related, which doesn't sound very fulfilling. Sigh... But I will take what I can get, make the best of it, and be grateful for it! :)
DeleteWe are indeed living parallel lives in different places!
ReplyDeleteAre you talking to your houseplants yet? I should haven mentioned that, talking to houseplants and feeding the snails on my patio kale scraps.
Yes. We. Are. :)
DeleteI was already talking to the houseplants before the pandemic, haha! I had a hippie roommate in college that told me that plants can hear us and asked me to say good things to the plants in our apartment, so I did. I figured, what is there to lose? If plants can hear us, great. If not, then at least I'm hearing myself say positive stuff.
Now, when I start talking to my fabric it may be cause for concern hahaha.
Ah. Limbo! We must be on the same wavelength, because you and I have been doing some mind melds lately. Yes, the waiting can feel interminable. I keep getting images of Waiting for Godot. Like you, I practice the gratitude/attitude adjustment technique regularly, but I'd really love to give my brain some new surroundings and stimulation to get out of the same thought patterns xx
ReplyDeleteOhhh the waiting... I haaate it. Why didn't I think of Waiting for Godot? I was a theatre kid growing up. That's hilarious!
DeleteYes, I believe in the importance of cultivating gratitude. But damn... Some newness would be nice. Or maybe I could experience a time period without loss? That would be nice too. <3
Ugh, limbo. I was never good at waiting, and uncertainty, even though there's been soooo much practice. I get so mad at Bryce when he tells me bad news (new vaccine-resistant variants! Click-baity predictions of how long we'll be in this state of limbo!) because I just can't wait for normalcy. Even if it's "new" normalcy, something where I can hug and visit people would be nice. I hope you can find a remote position that works for you! And I hope that the dragging will stop. Crazy that it's been a year.
ReplyDeleteI am ready for whatever our new normal is too. <3
DeleteLike Tom Petty said, "Waiting is the hardest part."
I am not great at waiting & uncertainty either... although I am generally much better than dh, lol. ;) And yes, infertility was great training, wasn't it?! And my blogging has never been more prolific. ;) Still, it's getting REALLY old, really fast, isn't it?? Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI am so over it!!! I wish everyone would just stay home, or at least wear a mask when they go out. It's not that hard.
DeleteI'm holding on and looking forward to better days. :)