Tuesday, March 2, 2021

In Limbo Again

We can get so much calm and satisfaction from certainty, even when that certainty is an illusion. So it makes sense that being in a state of limbo can drive us crazy. Well, that's where I am again: in the in between space of what happened before and what will happen next.

     limbo (noun) —

          an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.

          a place or state of imprisonment or confinement.


I don't like it.

Ohhh well.

Enduring the pandemic and unemployment is a very stressful and anxiety-producing time period. Here I am, just waiting waiting waiting. Waiting for my vaccine. Waiting to hang out with people again. Waiting to go eat at a restaurant. Waiting to take a trip somewhere. Waiting to get a job. Waiting to make money (so I can go eat at a restaurant and go take a trip somewhere).

All this waiting... It's just like... Well, you know.

Having experience with something IS helpful. I'm thankful for that. I am doing my best to practice acceptance that this is my life right now. I wake up in the same house and do the same things every day (eat, shower, dishes, sew, read)... It's a little boring, but I remind myself it would be much, much worse if I didn't have a place to live, food to eat, or hobbies to do. I can handle being bored. I can handle being lonely. Unfortunately, once I was honest with myself, being bored and lonely was a big part of my marriage. Being bored and lonely was definitely a big part of infertility. So, like I said, I have experience on my side.

What is next? I don't know...

I really don't like this time period. I remind myself that it is temporary. My goal is to have a job by July, but it could happen even sooner. I'm applying for remote jobs right now, holding off on applying for in-person jobs for a couple more months. I'm thankful I can hibernate during the pandemic, even though it is boring and lonely. At least I am safe. 

Thinking of everyone! I know this is dragging on and we are all really tired of it. I am always here. I check my blog almost every day. So I will be here, riding out this time in limbo... 

12 comments:

  1. Waiting, in limbo, is something I am not very good at. I love being able to plan and anticipate things, but a pandemic doesn't enable you to do that.

    I'm glad you're here at the blog writing regularly - for you AND for me! - and I'm very very glad you are safe. I wish I could make it go faster for you. Sending hugs.

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    1. Thanks Mali!! I'm glad I'm writing regularly too. It is so helpful. Thank you for reading and commenting regularly. That is also immensely helpful. I daydream about meeting everyone one day... I want to have one big international party! :)

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  2. I am keeping my fingers crossed... that you get a remote job for now.

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    1. Thank you! A remote job would be great because it would be a paycheck while working in a safe environment. But if I'm being honest, I really feel fulfilled when I am helping people. Most remote jobs that I qualify for are sales-related, which doesn't sound very fulfilling. Sigh... But I will take what I can get, make the best of it, and be grateful for it! :)

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  3. We are indeed living parallel lives in different places!
    Are you talking to your houseplants yet? I should haven mentioned that, talking to houseplants and feeding the snails on my patio kale scraps.

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    1. Yes. We. Are. :)

      I was already talking to the houseplants before the pandemic, haha! I had a hippie roommate in college that told me that plants can hear us and asked me to say good things to the plants in our apartment, so I did. I figured, what is there to lose? If plants can hear us, great. If not, then at least I'm hearing myself say positive stuff.

      Now, when I start talking to my fabric it may be cause for concern hahaha.

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  4. Ah. Limbo! We must be on the same wavelength, because you and I have been doing some mind melds lately. Yes, the waiting can feel interminable. I keep getting images of Waiting for Godot. Like you, I practice the gratitude/attitude adjustment technique regularly, but I'd really love to give my brain some new surroundings and stimulation to get out of the same thought patterns xx

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    1. Ohhh the waiting... I haaate it. Why didn't I think of Waiting for Godot? I was a theatre kid growing up. That's hilarious!

      Yes, I believe in the importance of cultivating gratitude. But damn... Some newness would be nice. Or maybe I could experience a time period without loss? That would be nice too. <3

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  5. Ugh, limbo. I was never good at waiting, and uncertainty, even though there's been soooo much practice. I get so mad at Bryce when he tells me bad news (new vaccine-resistant variants! Click-baity predictions of how long we'll be in this state of limbo!) because I just can't wait for normalcy. Even if it's "new" normalcy, something where I can hug and visit people would be nice. I hope you can find a remote position that works for you! And I hope that the dragging will stop. Crazy that it's been a year.

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    1. I am ready for whatever our new normal is too. <3

      Like Tom Petty said, "Waiting is the hardest part."

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  6. I am not great at waiting & uncertainty either... although I am generally much better than dh, lol. ;) And yes, infertility was great training, wasn't it?! And my blogging has never been more prolific. ;) Still, it's getting REALLY old, really fast, isn't it?? Hang in there!

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    1. I am so over it!!! I wish everyone would just stay home, or at least wear a mask when they go out. It's not that hard.

      I'm holding on and looking forward to better days. :)

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