Monday, April 12, 2021

Something To Look Forward To

Here's something that both infertility and the pandemic took from me. During my darkest years of infertility, I felt like I had nothing to look forward to. No baby, no toddler, no child raising, no milestones marked by my children growing up. Same thing with this pandemic. No restaurants, no concerts, no gathering with any friends or family, no vacations. Just the same day in the same environment, day after day after day.

Once I stopped pursuing motherhood, I redirected my life and gave myself things to look forward to. Going back to school (which was a major disappointment, unfortunately), joining a new profession (yet staying in my horrible school program was definitely worth it for that end goal), and moving to live somewhere I wanted to be (because I don't really like to travel).

But after a very long and very tough year, I now have things to look forward to again. Now that I've had dose #1 of the vaccine I am looking forward to seeing my parents, resuming employment, and maybe possibly someday (fingers crossed!!) returning to some of the activities I enjoyed before the pandemic brought everything to a halt (still holding my breath on this one... Maybe in 2021? More likely in 2022).

It's been tough recently. My old companion depression is back by my side. I wrote about not feeling well last Thursday, and the truth is I still don't feel that well. My boyfriend thinks I'm sleeping too much, but I started feeling sick yesterday and I don't want to be awake if I'm sick. Headache, sore throat, body aches. Maybe I'm sick or maybe I'm just sick of it all and this is how my body is manifesting it. Regardless, I am doing what I can. I have a planner so I stay on top of my responsibilities. I eat, shower, and get outside. I'm sewing and reading. And currently I'm attending online trainings as well.

The biggest thing I'm looking forward to right now is exactly one month from today. On May 12th I should be fully vaccinated. I don't expect too much to change by then, but who knows. I will at least be relieved to have the injections and whatever side effects I'll experience to be behind me. This time period of waiting for the vaccine will end.

That's probably my biggest coping mechanism when I am feeling really down: reminding myself that this is temporary. I won't feel this way forever. So I write this post today, sharing and documenting how I am feeling, and I look forward to a month from now when I am fully vaccinated. Maybe (probably?) I will be feeling better by then. I wonder what will change. 

🔮💜

8 comments:

  1. There's a line from When Harry Met Sally. "Depressed people sleep a lot." If your mind and body tell you that you need sleep, you need sleep. A month probably feels like a long time now, but I hope it will go quickly for you. I am sure there won't be an immediate change in your life, except that I am also sure there will be immense relief, and a lifting of a burden that you've been carrying around for the last year, and that has been weighing you down so much. Hang in there, you're on the last leg of this horrible time for you.
    Sending hugs.

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    1. Thanks Mali. I've been sleeping more than usual, but I don't think it's too much. I think my body just needs the extra sleep to recover from stress.

      A month feels like a long time when you're at the beginning of it, but I know it's really not. I mean, it's already mid-April of 2021... Crazy!

      Yes! I think that's it! Being fully vaccinated will be a "lifting of a burden." Thank you for putting it into words for me. <3

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  2. Yes! Something to look forward to for sure. I'm sorry that it's been rough recently. I think sometimes the body wants to sleep to heal, both physically and mentally. If you have the space to honor that, and you're still doing the life things, then I think that isn't a terrible thing! I hope that there will be plenty more things to look forward to in the next year. It has sucked to go from the uncertainty of infertility (and divorce) to the uncertainty and locked-down feeling of the pandemic. I hope there is relief in sight!

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    1. I've had a lot on my mind. And I've been processing so much. I guess it does make sense that I've been sleeping more. And you're right--I'm still doing stuff every day. Thank you!! I believe there will be relief. I do think we've been through the worst of it already. <3

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  3. "That's probably my biggest coping mechanism when I am feeling really down: reminding myself that this is temporary. I won't feel this way forever." That's a very good strategy, dear Phoenix. It will pass - we all need to believe that in the current situation, don't we? Also, I think it is only reasonable to give ones body the sleep it needs when one can. Hope you are already feeling a little better by now <3.
    Much love!

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    1. Last week was better than the week before it! :) I've decided it's okay if I'm sleeping more. I've always slept more in general, compared to family and friends. My mom even took me to the doctor as an infant because she was worried I was sleeping too much. (Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, mom! Haha.) The doctor assured her I was fine. As I long as I keep doing things that I need to do and want to do, I will not worry. Thank you Elaine! <3

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  4. Dh & I have been alternating with feeling depressed over the past few weeks. We're currently under lockdown #3 -- the numbers here have not been good (although they are slowly starting to improve again), and the weather turned grey & rainy & chilly (we even had some snow last week!!) It's been a long haul, but it WILL end someday, and sooner vs later! It may still be a while before I can go west to visit my family, but we're looking forward to spending more time with BIL & SIL, the nephews & their families later this summer, when we can be outside and when most of us will have had at least one shot. Hope you are feeling better now!

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    1. Yes! Better weather days are ahead and they will be more conducive to seeing your family outdoors. I am looking forward to that for you. <3

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