Saturday, April 3, 2021

Vaccine Emotions

Well... I may have had to quit my job because this community does not "believe" in the risks of covid. But, because of the community's faulty thinking, I got my vaccine early. Silver lining to an awful situation?

I had been reading stories in the news about places around the country having leftover vaccines that they didn't want to go to waste. That made me think. So I drove to the closest health clinic near me to ask about the vaccine. They didn't have them there, but they gave me a list of places in the county that did. I got home and called the first place. I explained that I was looking for leftover vaccines. I was upfront about the fact that I was not yet in an eligible group. I explicitly stated that I did not want to cut in line; I only wanted the vaccine if it was going to be wasted.

Well guess what. It turns out my county had a vaccine clinic coming up and there were over FIVE HUNDRED appointments available. What in the hell?? The woman I talked to on the phone told me to sign up, that they were not restricting who got the vaccine to only those in the eligible groups because they didn't want to have to throw anything away.

I thanked her profusely, hung up, and immediately went to the website. I filled out the questionnaire to reserve an appointment time, and, bam, got an appointment. I didn't lie. I didn't misrepresent myself. I didn't cut in line or do anything unethical. And just days later, while holding my small stuffed animal that I brought to every appointment at the fertility clinic, I got dose #1 while sitting in my car in a drive through line of a vaccine clinic. 

And then I promptly burst into tears. Big, fat hard-crying tears. It was very emotional for me.

I pulled into a parking spot to wait the required 15 minutes to make sure I didn't have a bad reaction and called my mom. I could barely speak. She answered the phone with a "Hello" and I said, "I'm crying." She said, "What?" because she couldn't understand me and I repeated, "I'm crying!" My mom, who is not sensitive like I am (at all), stayed objective and asked, "Good tears or bad tears?" and I was able to shout, "Good tears!" Then she let me cry for a few seconds before I could say that I had just received my first vaccine shot. She was thrilled. She has taken this pandemic and my stringent precautions quite personally since, unlike the rest of my family, I haven't traveled anywhere or seen her in the last year. She immediately asked when I would be fully vaccinated and I assured her that my first trip was going to be to visit her and my dad. 

(When that will be is to be determined, although I didn't tell her that in the moment. I'm tired of arguing with her and I'm still waiting to see what the research says about post-vaccinated living. So far I have read conflicting information and my parents, although fully vaccinated, socialize and are now eating indoors at restaurants.)

Ohmygod I was so emotional. This pandemic has sucked and, as you know, that is a massive understatement. It was a majorly stressful interruption to our lives and changed everything about how we live. But for the first time in over a year, I felt hopeful that things would get better.

But I was also emotional because of the injection itself. Medical stuff always makes me emotional. Six years may have passed since I underwent three medicated IUIs and two full cycles of IVF, but I can recall all of my fear, anger, anxiety, and depression in a heartbeat. Getting my vaccine brought all of that back up for me. Almost immediately. Although I didn't realize that that's what it was until later in the day.

I drove home, cheered with my boyfriend, and went back to bed. I had a slight headache, my arm hurt, and I was extremely fatigued. The fatigue was probably a combination of everything: the actual vaccine, my nervous anticipation leading up to it, and the safely stored-away emotions it unlocked.

In true Phoenix fashion (I swear, I am SO freaking sensitive), I continued to feel a bit weepy for several days. My headache, fatigue, and arm tenderness didn't help. But overall, I really think my emotional reaction was a little bit PTSD-ish relating back to fertility treatments. I am using this information to brace myself and be prepared for dose #2. I can do this. I can do anything. (Well... Almost anything. I obviously can't get pregnant.)

I am so thankful to have received the vaccine. I am patient with myself with my emotional reaction to it. I am ready, even eager, to get dose #2 when it's time. I can barely believe it, but I am actually hopeful about the future.

12 comments:

  1. Wow, Phoenix, this is such good news!
    I cried a little tear of happiness reading this, too :-).
    It's okay to be sensitive. It makes life more tiring, but it also makes you a wonderful human <3.
    You may be right about the PTSD. We might all have it to some extent after treatments, unfortunately...
    Happy Easter weekend!

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    1. Thank you Elaine. Thank you for understanding how tiring it is to be so sensitive. But you're right, it's part of what makes me who I am. <3 Hope you are having a wonderful weekend!!

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  2. Dear Phoenix,
    I am so very happy that you already got the vaccine! I will probably able to get it only after July...
    May I ask - which vaccine did you get?

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    1. I got Moderna! That's the vaccine that Dolly Parton, my childless hero, helped fund. <3

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  3. Every few days I hear about a friend in the US or UK getting the vaccine, and it makes me happy every time! I'm so glad you got it so easily (although the reasons for that are also sad and frustrating too, I'm sure), and I can completely understand the tears of relief. Sending big hugs.

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    1. Exactly. I'm glad I got my first dose of the vaccine, but I wish it was under different circumstances...

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  4. CONGRATULATIONS! I'm sorry that so many people are not getting the vaccine, but THRILLED that you could take advantage of the sides that otherwise would go to waste and get that shot. It is totally emotional. And I'm with you, I'm fully vaccinated and will not be running rampant everywhere, but I'm okay with outdoor, masked visits now. Not traveling anytime soon! It makes sense that the vaccine experience brought back those fertility moments. Shots don't do that for me but blood draws make me a mess for similar reasons. I'm so happy for you that you got vaccinated!

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    1. Oh gawd, blood draws are awful. First of all, I *have* to lie down. I get really nauseous every time. And of course I bring my stuffed animal with me every time. And juice. I need sugar right after. The nurses/phlebotomists are always skeptical until they after they draw my blood the first time. Then they get it and understand how sensitive I am. It's embarrassing, but it is what it is. I accept myself.

      It sounds weird to me, but I'm looking forward to getting my second dose. Ok, more accurately, I'm looking forward to having my second dose (and any potential side effects) over with! I really really want to see my parents. :)

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  5. Yay, congratulations!! I understand the emotion. I was briefly just a wee bit teary when I got my first shot earlier this week. But a few days earlier when I actually booked the appointment, dh & I started giggling and then jumping up and down in glee. :) Our numbers here are still way too high, so I don't think I'll be rushing off to the malls or restaurants anytime soon (even with a mask on). But BIL & SIL also got their first shots this week. By mid-summer, we should be able to visit there more regularly, without masks, and I'm really looking forward to that. :)

    There's a big gap between the number of vaccines being delivered to the provinces here and the number actually getting into people's arms. Lots of reasons, but for one thing, it's not that easy for some people to book an appointment (for a while it was online only, which wasn't a great thing for seniors with no computers and/or no tech-savvy friends or family to help them -- plus language barriers for others). For another thing, many of the vaccine centres are not located in the areas with the highest case rates/exposure risk. Not a lot of great planning on the government's part...!

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    1. How frustrating!! To say the least.

      I live in a small town and had no idea there was an upcoming vaccine clinic. I'm glad I dropped by a doctor's office to ask and got a list of phone numbers to call. I didn't read about it anywhere or see any signs at the post office or anything. I could have very easily missed it. Terrible.

      Of course, I don't know how many people in my community want to get vaccinated. As I was waiting in line in my car, I wondered how many cars were from my town/county and how many were from one of the big cities in the state...

      This whole pandemic and vaccine situation. It's so overwhelming. I hope it's all in the past someday.

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  6. oh yay great news! I was at my doctor recently and I asked about how soon I could get the vaccine. I'm not in the eligible group yet but he said I could be put on the waiting list and if someone doesn't show up they might call me so the vaccines don't go to waste that day! Great to be proactive about these things

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    1. Oh, fingers crossed you get a call!! It's tiring to be so proactive, but we are definitely worth our own efforts!

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