Tuesday, August 17, 2021

Coast For Awhile

What a decade!

I've been trying to put into words what my new house means to me.
How it feels. How far I've come. 

I bought my children's house in September 2011. It was beautiful and it was perfect. It was big, affordable, and equidistant from the two sports centers I anticipated commuting between. It was also near my husband's job. Closer to home = less time in traffic = more time with family. 

It was a two-story brick home with bushes in the front yard. The central living room had a two-story ceiling. There was a small fenced in backyard and a park, pool, and splash pad down the street. There were four bedrooms that all opened into the central living room. I figured this would give everyone their space while still keeping my family physically together.

Yes, I really thought like that. 

There was a second living room at the top of the stairs that would have been the play room. I had been teaching for years. I had so many books and puzzles. I had games and stuffed animals.

I had everything except a baby.

Damn, that house was nice. It was perfect for raising a family.

And that's exactly who we sold it to. A family. With multiple children. If I remember correctly, it was a large family. And they had a sister/aunt on the next street over. I loved that I helped bring a family closer together. They needed to live in the house that I bought for my children. Not me.

And since then... 

I've been untethered but grateful. I held my breath each time I looked for something to rent, and I let out a sigh of relief each time I found the next place. Grateful but not at home. Grateful but still living in other people's places, not wanting to invest in anything, and knowing I'd be moving everything again soon.

There was the rental house near my grad school. It was in a familiar neighborhood (where I went to college and where I had my first couple of professional jobs), but it was expensive. And hot. 

There was the apartment I got out of state. To be honest, it was really nice. But that whole thing was just weird. My husband was supposed to move with me. We had been planning it for years. But he never looked for another job in the new city. He never tried to transfer with the job he had. On the weekends when he was in town, we didn't explore the new city. He didn't listen to me as I tried to tell him about my clinical rotations. I was growing and he was... Not? Staying silent? Moving away from me? Moving away from us? There were other things as well. The marriage became untenable. I told my husband I didn't want to be married anymore. And then I found myself, unexpectedly at the age of 38, living on my own in an apartment in a new city. It was full of emotional processing and fun. I have great memories but it wasn't home.

The next place was a condo. It was too small. It was hot in the summer and cold in the winter. 

The next place was a house. I was so thankful to be back in a house. But it was dark. And hot.

And now.

Now I live here in my home. I've been searching and searching. Home is a place AND a feeling. 

The home I bought for my children would have been perfect for them.
But this home is perfect for me.

There's a yard. I might get a trampoline. I like to jump (for very short bursts at a time lol), but I also like to read outside on the trampoline on a beautiful day. We have trees. There's a car port. It rained the other day. It sounded awesome on the car port. I wanna put in a patio and a fire pit and a hot tub. Over time. Eventually. I have the rest of my life. It just feels good to be excited again.

It's an old house. It's not big but it's big enough. It's a single story. The living room is full of light and stays cool in the summer. We'll see how winter goes. But I have a good feeling about it. The kitchen is good so far. Not too big, not too small... The bathtub is big. Not huge or anything but it's bigger than the ones I had in my rentals.

I'm rambling. But I love it. It's a place where I wake up and drink coffee. I get ready for work. I check things online. I make phone calls. I write lists. I unpack. I organize. I eat. I sew. I watch tv. 

I live my life. I am home.

It has been ten solid years of infertility and grad school and my dog dying and moving and getting divorced and changing jobs and enduring a pandemic. But I got to where I want to be. I like who I am. I like where I am. And I like what I do. I am home.

I can't put into words what my new house means to me, but this was my effort in trying. 

Now, I know life always has its ups and downs, but I'm just gonna try to coast for awhile... 



  1. Dear Phoenix,
    you house seems to be just perfect for you. I could imagine that it was quite tough to move and move again, always kind of searching for the right place to be and now - it's home, your home! That is really, really wonderful!
    I really love this "I got to where I want to be. I like who I am. I like where I am. And I like what I do. I am home."
    You are so much ahead of me, I am still searching for the right place to be.
    Enjoy your home!!

    1. It's such a process, grieving and recovering from infertility. The search for the right place to be is so real. And it takes awhile. We can't rush anything. So while we are searching, we are also exactly where we need to be at the time.

      Thank you for reading, for commenting, and for sharing in my joy with me about my new home. :)

  2. Oh, I hope you can coast for a long long while! This is lovely - your house sounds "just right" as Goldilocks would have put it. I'm so happy for you.

    1. Yes! Hahaha. This house is "juuust right!" :)

      Thank you Mali. <3

  3. This post makes me so happy! It does sound like you have arrived at your destination and may stay awhile :-).

    I know that there must still be some "new" to get used to and work that needs to be done, but it sounds like it feels right, which is wonderful <3!

    1. Exactly. There's a To Do list of course. It's divided into priority, later, and eventually. But the place already feels right.

      I'm so thankful. I think I'll be here awhile. <3

  4. Horribly belated, but I love this post. It is a love letter to your new house, your new life, and surviving all that you have gone through in such a relatively short period of time. I love that you are considering a trampoline for you -- I always see those and equate them with kids, so I'm going to have to rethink that! (Actually I usually equate them with trips to the pediatrician because of the gazillion of kid injuries from trampolines!). Reading on a trampoline sounds amazing. I love that it is your "just right" Goldilocks house. It's so wonderful to hear about how you've landed in this place after so much!

    1. Thank you Jess! Amidst the unrelenting stress and uncertainty of these current times, I am extremely relieved to live somewhere I can finally unpack, organize, decorate, rest, and be.

      As you are well aware, not getting to raise children devastated me. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. And now, while I am existentially exhausted and completely running on fumes, I can barely believe the life I have now. I did it. I changed careers and moved across the country like I wanted. Mission accomplished.

      I guess the next step will be to upgrade and get a trampoline. Haha. Maybe in the spring. Grab a pillow and a blanket and go lie on the trampoline with a good book on a beautiful spring day. Ahhh heaven. But first, fall and winter ;) which I also love. <3