Tuesday, September 7, 2021

Sadness, Joy, and Holding on for Better Times

Hellooo. It's been awhile. How are you?

I don't know what I've been doing. 

Well, I do. On the days that I work, I clock 10 hours so there goes that day. I come home, shower, eat, read or watch a show, and fall asleep early. On the days that I don't work, I either do nothing or work on the house. I also make time to sew. I've noticed I feel better when I'm sewing regularly.

It's all conducive to my current lifestyle. Here I am, 18 months in, still maintaining stringent pandemic precautions. I go to work and go home. I run errands at strategic times, always wearing a mask. We don't eat at restaurants or socialize or travel. It feels like my boyfriend and I are the only ones, but I know there are others out there that are still staying home. Thank you.

It feels good when you know you are not alone.

I still think about infertility a lot. Most of the time I'm fine. Sometimes I'm sad. This morning I had a moment of deep sadness. I'm glad I changed my entire life. I'm relieved. It's easier to deal with my loss of motherhood now that I've created a life I actually want to live. 

I feel sad that I didn't get to be a mom. I really wanted to raise children. I also know I am touching so many more children's lives by working in pediatrics. But it will never be a substitute for motherhood. Miraculously, I am healed enough to where I can enjoy working with kids again. So now, instead of helping my own children, I am helping... A whole lot more.

I've worked at my new job for three months now. I've lived in my new home for two. I'm settling into my new rhythms and routines. I really thrive on routines. Routines help me eliminate some stress. For example, I do laundry on Sundays. I used to write it down in my planner, but I don't need to anymore. It's nearly automatic. And now I always have clean work clothes for the week.

However, this past Labor Day weekend I let go of my routines and I ignored all of my self-imposed Things To Do. I had a quilt idea in my head and I was determined to get it out. I think it's what I needed. I sewed for three days straight.

And I finished the quilt top! I posted a picture of it and two close-ups below. The color palette cracks me up. I don't even like pink. Or yellow. But I loved this fabric collection (GRL PWR made for Riley Blake Designs) and found a pack of precut 10" squares on sale. Score! 

I don't even know who this quilt is for. I'm just making quilts and improving my skills, not always knowing whom the recipient will be. I call myself a Sloppy Quilter. For once in my life, I cannot get bogged down in the details. When sewing, I just have to keep going no matter what happens. Imperfection abounds.

So, that's a glimpse into my brain. I go to work in order to be of service and to pay my bills. I go home and I rest. Sometimes I work on the house. Often I will sew. Someday this house will be repaired and remodeled. In the meantime, it is still a home. 

Trying to get pregnant feels like at least one lifetime ago, maybe even two or three. I thought the darkness that infertility left me with was here to stay. I suppose it is... But it's so much smaller now. There's so much joy and sincere enthusiasm growing around it. I didn't think healing was possible. I didn't think my future was going to get better. I remind myself of this. I frequently remind myself that I don't know what the future holds. It helps me cope during this difficult period. 

I'm holding on for better times. 


  1. Cheers for holding up for better times!
    sending many regards from Europe!

  2. Sometimes when the sadness comes down on you, holding on to those better times and keeping time for the things that nurture you is all you can do. That quilt is GORGEOUS. I love the colors and patterns. Have you thought about doing an etsy shop? Or do you prefer making the quilts for specific people? Just wondering if you run out of people to send them to, if sending them to strangers who will love them would be nice. :) Some days are harder than others. I am sending you so much love and a hug.

    1. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I donated the best quilt I've made last spring. For now, I'm just making them. I don't really want to tie it to money and sell them, but I did have the idea to use them for fundraising for various things. I'm just so thankful I have something to do that I enjoy.

      Thank you for the love, the hug, and the quilt compliment. <3 These days are hard, but we are strong.

  3. I'm sorry I missed this. I love your quilt - it's stunning! I love the joy you're taking in making them. (It's very similar to how I feel about my silly tea cosies!) And sometimes we do have to just spend a weekend doing what we want.

    Yes, healing is never linear. And you've had so much stress the last year, I'm not surprised you're feeling tired and struggling. And sometimes there's nothing much we can do except roll with it. But you have such a healthy approach to it all, and understand the need for self-care, I know you'll be fine. It just sucks when you're feeling down. Hugs!

    1. Thank you for the validation!! It's always appreciated! I forget how hard this year has been just because it's been so hard for everyone. But you're right--having to quit my job, then be unemployed, and then (thankfully) start a new job, all during the pandemic--has left me very tired and struggling. And you're right again about rolling with it. That's what I'm doing because that's all I can do, haha. But it works!

      Thank you for the quilt compliment. It makes me happy that you enjoy making your tea cosies so much. :) During my darkest years of infertility, I spent so much time reading TTC boards or just doing absolutely nothing that I will never take having a hobby for granted.

  4. Love the quilt!! I am glad you took the time to "follow your passion" (lol) and work on it instead of all the other things that must have been calling your name. It's lovely to have the freedom to do something like that with our non-working hours, isn't it?

    1. Thank you!!

      And yes. I love that I have the freedom to do what I like. The downsides of my life were so hard, I will gladly take and enjoy the upsides!