Saturday, November 13, 2021

Sick of Feeling Anxious

I had a bad week.
Every day there was something Very Not Fun.

I chipped my tooth last week and went to the dentist on Monday to get it filled.

On Tuesday I had my annual mammogram. It's not painful, just everything makes me emotional.
(Upsides: Yay for following through with preventative care. Plus, it was negative!)

I went to work on Wednesday and had an extremely awkward day. I don't foresee things getting any better any time soon. I'm so frustrated. But I've been through worse and I'll get through this.

I had a colposcopy on Thursday. (You know your job is bad when you look forward to a gynecological procedure. I took two days off from work. I needed the medical respite, but it was also a much needed break from the work drama!)

On Friday I felt like crap. So sore, so cranky, so over it. What has my (non)reproductive system ever done for me?? (Answer: nothing good.) Fortunately, I was able to spend the entire day on the couch. I rested, watched tv, and finished sewing the binding on my nephew's quilt.

Now it is Saturday. My favorite day of the week. A day to do what I feel like. I did a little bit of sewing, a little bit of picking up, and my boyfriend and I went for a walk around the neighborhood. Then he cooked some food while I just tried to RELAX.

I am very stressed. I feel it physiologically; I feel it emotionally. I am so sick and tired of living in a heightened state. I lived like that for many years while trying to conceive and then while going through fertility treatments. Then grad school, divorce, and moving a bunch sucked a whole lot. Then the pandemic hit. 

It doesn't take much to make me feel anxious. Who can blame me? It was a shitty decade for me. And now life is harder for everyone. It's so easy for my anxiety to shoot up. Then it's so hard for me to come down.

I recognize it. I feel it. I give myself grace. I mean, damn, I didn't create any of the chaos that is currently around me (at work and also in the world). I cry a lot. I sleep. I sew. I read. I write.

And I bought myself this card. Then I bought a frame for it at the thrift store and got a little crafty.

Keep on enjoying the little things.


  1. Oh, IP, I want to send you a big, virtual hug! I'm really sorry you're struggling right now. Colposcopies and mammograms and dental procedures, on top of dealing with normal-in-covid-times life and work, are a lot to deal with! All this takes a toll, so I hope you had a very relaxing and restorative weekend.

    This, though, gave me hope - "I recognize it. I feel it. I give myself grace." That's so important. As are the beautiful little things, like your card. And remember, when we're worrying about things, if they are things we can't do anything about, we are stealing from ourselves. I know it's easier said than done, and it doesn't always work, but I have also learned over the last decade or two to be able to put things out of my mind, and just say, "I'll think about that later, when I can."

    And breathe. Remember to breathe.
    More hugs!

    1. Lots of slow, deep breathing over here! Lol.

      Thank you for the suggestion. I like the idea of telling myself, "I'll think about that later." I think that's something I could get better at with practice.

  2. Dear Phoenix,
    sorry, I read your posts every time, but I just don't find time to reply...
    I'm sending you hugs too! Sometimes the world seems upside down and mean, and it doesn't get better as time passes. I know the feeling of being caught in a cycle and there is nothing you can do to break the bad run.
    I hope you had a great weekend and that this week starts differently!
    Hugs, Lilly

    PS: If slow breathing doesn't help, go out and run or dance or bike or yell :-) Sometimes fast breathing helps too!
    (I find that loud music and singing loudly while driving on the highway helps quite good too).

    1. Thank you Lilly. Your comment is very kind.

      I like your idea about fast breathing too, haha. And I agree--loud music in my car is very helpful!! :)

  3. Oh Phoenix, what a week you must have had... I am sorry and sending big, warm hugs as well!

    "It doesn't take much to make me feel anxious. Who can blame me? It was a shitty decade for me. And now life is harder for everyone. It's so easy for my anxiety to shoot up. Then it's so hard for me to come down." - I can really relate to this. I also get anxious quite easily, especially since surgery and fertility treatments... but anxiety must be everywhere around the world at the moment given the current circumstances. It all adds up, doesn't it...

    I love the card and hope this week is a little kinder to you <3.

    1. I survived another week! Lol. But seriously.

      I was very anxious about going back to work after that awkward day. But I did it and I got through this week. I even did a decent job of redirecting my thoughts. But mostly, I was just thankful I'm not in my 20s anymore. I was even more anxious then.

      Although, if the pandemic would just end... To state the obvious, that would help a lot!

  4. Oh no... I'm so sorry it's been high anxiety, high ick. I feel you on the being fast to rise into an anxious state and slow to fall back down. I feel like there is a cosmic exhaustion right now, and for you it is just tipping over the cumulative effects of all you've been through. Add to that colposcopy and mammography and awkward work things... Ugh. I'm glad you give yourself grace. I'm glad you make quilts and take walks and crafty cards that make you smile and up the worthiness factor. Sending you lots of love! 💜

    1. There is a cosmic exhaustion right now for sure. It is SO hard to come back down after my anxiety shoots straight up.

      Thank God for quilting!!! I just get lost in it for hours... Days... Lol. Yesterday I decided to make a Xmas quilt. I thought I'd finish it in one day but I didn't. Hopefully I'll finish it today. That's how things are going. I have become a person who makes a quilt in a weekend. Lol. But seriously, it's the best coping strategy I've discovered so far...

  5. Ugh, Phoenix, what a week!! I think you're right, we're all stressed right now, but the kind of week you had certainly didn't help. Glad you took it easy for the weekend. And I love the cards!

    1. Ug. Good riddance to that week! I've been very thankful for this past holiday weekend--very relaxing. <3

      Thanks! I found a card I loved about a decade ago and threw it in a frame. It's something I've done several times now. Some cards are so pretty and/or meaningful. It's an easy and affordable way to decorate! :)