Monday, February 27, 2023

Season of Grief

I can tell we are on the other side of winter. Don't get me wrong, it's still winter. It's still cold and there is still snow on the ground. But there is less of it. It is melting. In another month or two, it will feel like spring.

I think that's my favorite part of where I live now: getting to experience all four seasons. 

I love winter so much and thought I'd be sad when I could tell spring was on its way... But I'm not. Winter can end. Haha. Winter is tough! On people and houses and cars and animals and roads and, well, everything. I still love it and I look forward to it returning next year, but it is fine that we are on this side of winter.

I feel like this is my season of grief. Is that a thing? January, February, and March have never been the same since my failed IVF cycles. I feel lower energy and easier to cry. Of course the stress in life never stops, but it feels bigger than that. It feels like... Well, my season of grief.

When I got married, I never thought I'd get divorced. I knew my husband for a long time and we were on the same page about everything (or so I thought). I had been in love with him for much longer than we had dated. For me, it was love/crush at first sight. Later, I learned it was for him too. But it took us awhile to actually start dating for real (8 years!) and then it was happily ever after (or so I thought).

I thought I'd have kids too. I daydreamed about being a mother my whole life. I never daydreamed about my wedding like some of my friends did, but I always wanted to parent.

But I don't have kids. And now I don't have any false illusion that I will be having kids. And I'm not married anymore. I am divorced. All of that--marriage and hoping for children--was a different season of my life. And that season ended too.

And once again, things are changing. Winter is leaving. I am grieving, although it looks different in 2023 than it has in the past. I laugh a lot more now. But I still cry a lot too. What can I say, I have a lot of feelings.

And today I am feeling loss. I am also feeling at a loss. I am also feeling okay. 

It's confusing, but I'm not trying to figure anything out. 

I am navigating my season of grief while feeling proud of what I've created amidst the rubble.

Image found at


  1. I love the seasons metaphor. So true that things cycle through (ew, cycle), and you get the chance to grieve, and to celebrate, and rebuild, and do it again. I feel like our winter is just getting started, we got the prettiest snow today. But I love winter. The spring and summer is where most of my grief likes to live. Fall and winter are pretty grief-free zones. :) Love the phrase "false illusion." That is the hardest thing, thinking something is possible when it is not. The in-between is the worst.

    1. The seasons metaphor reminds me that nothing stays the same, which can be oddly comforting for me. When things are good, I'd like them to stay that way forever haha. But when things aren't great, well, then I'm grateful everything is temporary. This season of grief is nothing compared to previous years, but it's still something I need to stop and honor because it does affect me. It scrambles my emotions a little and slows me down. That's okay. This world is in too much of a damn hurry anyway.

  2. Dear Phoenix,

    I am sorry that this season is one of loss and grief for you. At the same time I also admire the way you honor your losses and feelings. Wishing you strength and peace!

    What a special picture. I really like it :-).

    Much love,

    1. Isn't that picture the coolest?? I love it! Where I used to live, it was just hot all of the time. Experiencing all four seasons is really special. <3

  3. Grief is the price we pay for love… to love deeply and wholeheartedly means we grieve deeply and wholeheartedly. It just sucks that it hurts so much! And as the seasons change and the years go by the wheel turns… walking alongside you in spirit, dear one… go gently xx

    1. That is beautiful. Thank you for reminding me that grief is the price we pay for love. That makes a lot of sense to me. That's why it hurts so much. Because I love so much. And I wouldn't want to NOT love... I just need to find a good receptacle for my love. I have a lot of love to give.

  4. Abiding with you, Phoenix. May your tears cleanse and set fee the emotions welling up within. Peace and strength to you. xx

  5. I do think we have seasons of grief. And I love the way you honour your past, and at the same time honour your present, and look forward to your future. Your last three sentences are perfect, and such a great example to any women reading who are coming after us. Actually, such a great example to all of us, no matter where we are in the healing process. Sending hugs and love.

  6. Going through a bit of my own season of grief at the moment... I get this! Sending (((hugs))). (Also, I agree with your general comments about seasons -- I can't imagine living in a place where the seasons don't change -- but at this point, I've had quite enough of winter! lol)