I'm feeling a little bit bummed. Yesterday I learned my boyfriend's family is all getting together for the weekend for his sister's youngest kid's birthday. We weren't invited. I think it's weird.
Being excluded doesn't hurt like it used to. It's more annoying than hurtful. It ain't my first rodeo.
I've written about my friend whose kid I was very close to. I was invited to every birthday party until I wasn't. Now THAT hurt me at the time.
I've written about my own sisters not including me when they would do stuff together with their kids. Sure, I was in my teens/twenties at the time, but I still would've liked to have been included.
I've written about my ex-sisters-in-law, who were my age and had children. They got together all the time with their kids and without their kids. I was never invited. One of them lived next door.
So it's not like being excluded by parents is a new experience for me. And, like I said, it's not painful like it used to be. But I was excluded again, and I noticed.
I told my boyfriend that I have to pull away from my relationship with her. I love his sister, but I can't put myself in the situation of continual disappointment. It's best to process now and move forward knowingly. I am not going to be the aunt to these children that I thought I might be because we are never invited to the big (or small) events.
That's fine. It's fine.
I'm glad I know how to protect myself. I'm glad I've learned to lower my expectations for others.
I'm not in a close relationship with anyone currently raising children.
And it annoys me greatly that the general public thinks I can have some great role with other people's children when parents repeatedly fail to include me in their lives.
This is so powerful: "And it annoys me greatly that the general public thinks I can have some great role with other people's children when parents repeatedly fail to include me in their lives.”
ReplyDeleteYES! This is something I also come across All. The. Time. The exclusion - also used to it, also used to hurt, also from a variety of sources - relatives, friends, colleagues. It doesn’t hurt any more, it just feels old news, tired, weary; ‘Oh, that again? Sigh'
How can any of us establish any sort of meaningful connections with youngsters if we are continually left out of the loop? How can we ever hope to form any sort of relationships with these youngsters if we are excluded, not permitted to share the same space and time with them? They grow up so quickly.
Ever heard the saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ well that village is now kid centric parents seeking out kid centric parents which means the wealth and depth of life experiences we could bring are omitted, negated. We’re exiles; we live under the radar and we hide in plain sight.
How disheartening that this new relationship only means you make close connections with your boyfriend and not his family. It is weird, you’re right.
Thank you, Bamberlamb. I hate that we all experience such similar things.
DeleteI really do love my boyfriend's family. A lot. But I will move forward knowing that I am not really going to be an aunt to these children. The way it's going, I will see them once or twice a year when we make the long drive over to their house.
My boyfriend says it's par for the course, meaning this is how it goes for him. He has been excluded ever since he became a teen dad (which I also think is weird but is a different rant for another time). But like I told him, "Yeah, but they at least used to tell me stuff." So maybe I've been absorbed into the family dynamic? I'm no longer the new girlfriend and am now in a solid partnership with my boyfriend and so now I'm excluded too? Or maybe they assumed we were busy or not interested. I text pretty regularly with them, more so than with my own family. I'm more confused than anything. Of course I could say something... But I'm tired.
Whatever. People are weird. I just shrug my shoulders and keep on doing my own damn thing.
I stopped counting how many times I was excluded - just because I am childless and obviously don't belong.
ReplyDeleteIt hurt so much.
Now it doesn't hurt any more, I got used to it. But I am still not OK with the exclusion.
Exactly - How can any of us establish any sort of meaningful connections with youngsters if we are continually left out of the loop?
I am glad that at least we have one another <3
The connection I feel and the understanding I get from other women who are childless not-by-choice is priceless. There are so many things that are too hard to explain that my CNBC friends just automatically understand. Thankfully!!!
DeleteIt does hurt to be excluded. And when it stops hurting (because it has happened so many times), it is still annoying. The more time that goes on, the more I realize how exclusionary parents really are.
YES!!! Totally agree with the conversation here. Everyone tells us we can always "mother" other people's kids, but even if we want to do that (and not everyone does), we're so often not given the opportunity. Someone really needs to start making this clear to parents...! -- we have a lot to offer, but people have to let us into their inner circles first!
ReplyDeleteLate to this, but just want to say, "that sucks!" Maybe one day you can ask her why you were excluded? Using your "new to the family" position as an excuse for the question? When you're not feeling so hurt and tired, of course. (And yes, I know - it's easy for me to suggest this. It's far less easy to do.) Sending hugs.
ReplyDelete