More Reconnection

Remember when I wrote about reconnecting with one of my best friends at the beginning of the year? I said it was great to talk to her, and I unexpectedly got some answers about what happened while we were drifting apart.

Well, last week I missed a call from her. Past midnight. Oh no. 

I hoped nothing bad happened as I sent her a text in the morning after seeing her missed call. I told her I would call her after I got home from work and that I hoped everything was okay. She texted back, apologizing for calling so late and sharing she was emotional from one friend's funeral and another friend's terminal illness. I said no apology necessary and called her later.

We talked for THREE hours.

I listened as she shared about her friends. I listened as she talked about being a caregiver. I asked about mutual friends and we tried to catch each other up on everything. We covered so much and could probably still talk for another three hours.

At one point she flat out asked me, "What happened? You just disappeared." And I admitted that I did. I told her again that not having kids just about killed me. I was embarrassed and sad and ashamed. She said she couldn't be there for me because she didn't know what was going on. I told her that, in retrospect, I don't think anyone could have been there for me at the time. Even if they knew everything. I was so far gone. Nobody could reach me. Not even my best friend.

***

I give myself grace. 

I don't think I should have handled anything differently.
I don't think I could have handled anything differently. 

I completely lost myself, and I withdrew from everything. I didn't know what else to do. And now I'm on the other side of it and I still don't know what else I could've done. And that's okay too.

***

Not raising kids when all you wanted to do your whole life was raise kids is HORRIBLE.
It's no surprise I lost myself.
It's a miracle I came back to life.

***

Gahhh, it was so good to talk to my friend!!! 

And I have to tell you the funniest damn thing that she said. (Note: she's childfree by choice.)

She was at work the other day when her co-worker was leaving early to go to... Maybe it was a baseball game for his kid? But she said it didn't matter. It was some kind of game. And the other morning it was a parent-teacher conference. She said it's always something. She wasn't saying it rudely. She likes her co-worker and her job a lot. But she did say she is always there in the office, watching everyone with kids come in late and leave early. And she told me...

She said, "I love my job, but you know what my biggest mistake was? My biggest mistake about this job was not making up fake kids in my interview."

😳😂😂😂

She has a point...