I got mad last week. Really, really annoyed.
I am somewhat used to birth announcement emails at work. I do not think they are appropriate, and I definitely do not appreciate them. But, I realize that they are a thing. I don't know why, but they are an accepted practice in the workplace.
(And, no, I'm not against celebrating people's good news. I just know that for every birth announcement email accompanied with a picture of the newborn, there is at least one person who has just had a miscarriage or is struggling with infertility. And that person definitely did not need to see that email as they are managing everything on top of their work responsibilities.)
So, sure, whatever. So-and-so had a baby. And now the baby is born. Fine. I'm glad everything went well. Truly. That is not sarcasm. I am not a monster.
However.
Last week I received a department-wide email that really pissed me off. It was about the woman I am covering for while she is out on maternity leave. The subject was "[Baby's name] Update." And I was like, what the... I clicked on it, and there were FIVE pictures of this baby.
What.
I didn't need that in my life.
The email said they are so happy for mom and baby and cannot wait until she is back at work. There was no mention of me who is covering while she is out. I felt like I was unappreciated, like they just want me gone so my co-worker can return. But I realize I may be reading too much into it. My feelings about everything may be coloring my perspective.
But here's what made me mad. There was never a department-wide email sent out about my graduation. That actually has something to do with the workplace. My doctoral degree is directly related to my profession and career. I don't want the accolade for my ego. But if we're celebrating people's babies, I just wanted equal recognition of my hard work for the past 16 months. You know, since it is actually an appropriate announcement for the workplace...
I felt so excluded.
I guess only babies are celebrated as an accomplishment where I work.
That is rough! I am so sorry to hear this....we are so conditioned to make accommodations for pregnancy and babies it hits extra hard when we feel walked over in the process. Indeed not much thought was put into the baby email or the lack of an acknowledgement for your hard earned achievement.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Barreness. I have learned a lot from this situation, for better or worse. For one, I've learned the people in management at this job are totally pronatalist. And two, I've learned that I will never volunteer to cover a maternity leave again. There's nothing in it for me. Just being honest.
DeleteI've been reading your blog for a while and I need to stop. You seem to get more self-centered with every post. You don't need to be mentioned in an email about someone else and their new baby. Keep in mind this team has probably worked together for years, of course they miss her. They saw the person you are covering for through her whole pregnancy and probably couldn't wait to see those pictures. It's easy to hit the delete button and move on with your day.
ReplyDeleteThat's a valid perspective! I appreciate your comment because it helps me shift my thinking.
DeleteAlthough, I do think I'm allowed to whine a little when I'm feeling down. It's hard to think clearly when you're running low on emotional resources. It's also easy to come off as self-centered in a personal blog where you write about your own stuff.
My co-worker is awesome, and I'm very happy for her. I am also very grateful for my job.
You are right. It can be easy to ignore what you read and move on with your day... ;)
Hey Anonymous: I went back to Dr. Phoenix' post on her graduation announcement and scrolled down to see if there were any "anonymous" congratulation or 'atta girl' comments from anyone hiding behind "anonymous." There weren't. Hence you have proven yourself to be nothing more than a mean-spirited Troll lacking in compassion. I truly hope YOU are not a parent because you are more bully than role model. Your unwillingness to allow someone -- at any age -- to express how they're feeling in the moment is cold. Why not acknowledge that hurt, grief, and loss resurface when we least expect it? This simply shows we're human. Instead, taking time to leave an anonymous comment that piles on the hurt hits like a sucker punch and validates your insensitivity. Lastly, newsflash: a blog, by definition, is about the author's self. Kindly Troll elsewhere.
DeleteWhether or not Anonymous is an internet troll, I do believe their comment is trolling. My boyfriend (who has a kid!) told me, "Don't feed the trolls," and encouraged me to not publish the comment or reply to it. But I was thinking that maybe Anonymous was a mother whose daughter is going through infertility, and she's reading my blog to try and understand. Apparently, I hit a nerve. Why my reaction to newborn pics in work emails upsets her, I have no idea... But I just tried to reply with compassion. But I also don't like that her comment most likely hurt other readers. So I will not be publishing comments like this in the future. It's not my job to educate strangers, and I am allowed to share honestly on my own blog. Duh.
DeleteI generally agree with your opinions on childlessness and infertility being overlooked And very much empathize for your situation. But I find it very off-putting and selfish to call it inappropriate to share baby pictures. Should you get more recognition for your contributions and accomplishments?Absolutely. But the world can't be expected to hide babies from everyone because it hurts your feelings. Wouldn't it be more isolating and divisive if they sent pictures and updates only to other mothers and purposefully excluded you from conversations?
ReplyDeleteI lost my mom to cancer. Posts and photos about people with their moms are tough for me. But I don't expect my friends and colleagues to hide their moms from me because I don't have mine.
This writer said it better than I did. We are worthy of inclusion in the workplace. https://worldchildlessweek.net/sat-2023/we-are-worthy-of-inclusion-in-the-workplace
DeleteHey Anonymous - Super brave name by the way! You must have accumulated countless accolades for courage and transparency throughout your life.
DeleteI’m sorry to see you’re confusing Phoenix having a clear, healthy and fair perspective based on her lived experience - a lived experienced not asked for, by the way - with being “self-centered”. I do hope you’re able to straighten yourself out on this.
I see you back peddled on this, but too little too late as far as I'm concerned - Any person filling in for someone’s maternity leave SHOULD be acknowledged and recognized for their contributions towards people who get to be parents and a workplace less disrupted. I believe this is referred to as “the Village”. I’ll bet you’re one of those folks who bangs on about the importance of the Village and then look, here you are, throwing a member of the village right under the bus.
While it’s plain you don’t care - I don’t for a second believe your claims of “empathy”, I will point out anyway that babies and children are not something everyone shares, and the socialization that surrounds them is regularly self absorbed, exclusionary and a hack to the mental health of those with related losses and trauma (which is over 20% of the worldwide population by the way). Not the best recipe for an inclusive, productive workplace! To have workplace policies that disregard this is unacceptable.
In the case Phoenix describes, some actual thought could have been given to sharing the bare minimum via workplace channels, or even better and more appropriately yet, pictures can be exchanged in personal circles, especially if the team “saw her through her entire pregnancy” as you dramatically claim.
It’s actually NOT easy to hit the delete button when the broader work culture does not respect or in any way take into account the very real needs of your demographic, the 20% + of the population without children. The tides are turning, and people are going to have to learn to show up in the workplace considering people without children, the childless not by choice included, as well as how to function and contribute without leaning on their parented privilege.
You make a lot of good points, especially your thoughts about me being an unacknowledged part of the Village. Plus, you can't really ignore work emails... Thank you!
DeleteI see you have been well supported by our No Kidding warriors. Yay!
ReplyDeleteYour concerns are valid. In a workplace, it has always seemed odd to me - even before I was trying to conceive - that births and babies are heralded above other accomplishments. You have every right to feel resentful that your graduation and doctorate was not acknowledged or celebrated in your workplace. And SIX photos. Ugh. Did it come from HR? Way to be considerate of all those people who have lost babies/pregnancies or are going through infertility/adoptions have fallen through/haven't worked etc etc etc.
Thank you, Mali. <3 I appreciate the validation.
DeleteThe email came from our direct supervisor. It's just weird how celebrated births and babies are in the workplace compared to the stark exclusion of other, actually work-related accomplishments.