Thanksgiving has always been a time where I can gauge my anxiety level.
Many, many years ago I remember calling my best friend from the grocery store parking lot and telling her I was too anxious to go grocery shopping. She could not relate, but she assured me that it was fine and I was capable. She encouraged me to go inside, get what was on my list, and be done. And I did. And it was fine. But I felt really silly and slightly embarrassed that I was so anxious. And that happened way before my years of infertility.
Infertility shot my anxiety straight up. Higher than ever. Like, I was overachieving with how much anxiety one person could feel. I'm sure a lot of you understand.
And then I couldn't come down. Even after I quit trying to conceive. Even after I came up with the idea to go back to school and eventually move. I could not calm my nerves. And the smallest, slightest thing could make me feel so terrible.
Do you deal with anxiety? It's a very uncomfortable feeling. It's mental thing, a physical thing, and an emotional thing. Anxiety sucks. I wish I knew that's what I was dealing with back in high school. I had no idea. I just felt crazy sometimes.
One of the reasons why I moved to the town where I ultimately settled is because the first time I drove through it I felt at peace. The feeling reminded me of how I felt when I was a little kid living in a small town. Content, not crazy.
I'm a city kid (because I lived in a large city for 25 years), but I think I'm really a country mouse.
I've been here 3 years now. Each year my entire body calms down a notch.
I went to the store last week to buy a turkey and a ham. I wasn't stressed at all. I admit that I took a couple of deep breaths before going into the store, but that was really only to recognize how far I've come.
Infertility sucked and my recovery has taken a decade.
Sending (((hugs))), Phoenix. I started having awful anxiety attacks around the time of my last failed infertility cycle. I realized then that, to some extent, I've always been an anxious person, but that was awful. :( I still struggle with anxiety from time to time (including today, in fact!), although it hasn't been that bad in years, and I generally know what I can do to help myself over the hump. Not fun, though...! Glad you're doing better these days too!
ReplyDeleteInfertility is very anxiety-provoking. And once anxiety is inflamed, it can be so hard to bring it back down. I'm so glad I have knowledge and coping strategies now.
DeleteYour title says it all. I'm so glad you were not stressed. I've certainly always been shy and nervous of certain or new experiences, and I disliked supermarkets (for eg) when I was grieving my losses, because I felt so conspicuous (even though I'm sure I wasn't), and there were so many triggers. But I haven't really suffered from anxiety like this. It must be horrible. I hope you are very proud of yourself for getting through it, and knowing how to cope. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting. With anxiety, it seems better now that I've just (mostly) accepted it. When I feel anxious now (which is often), I just recognize it and acknowledge it and try to be nice to myself. "Oh look, I'm feeling anxious about this. I am worrying about everything that can go wrong. Good thing I can handle whatever comes my way!" It helps. Haha.
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