Things are slowing down. I mean that in several different ways.
I feel like I am slowing down. This season always feels a little slower for me. Not that life ever really slows down, but this is the time of year (in the Northern hemisphere) where the days are shorter and the weather is colder and I feel like I move a little slower.
The blogosphere is slowing down. It has been for awhile. I didn't join until after its peak, but there is a lot less traffic now compared to seven years ago. I think about not writing and then I think, who cares if not many people are reading my blog. Someone might find a post they relate to through an online search someday, and I remember how rare and valuable it was to find something relatable in my earliest days of loss and grief. Plus, I still have thoughts and feelings about my experiences with infertility and living my life without children. So I still write.
My grief is slowing down. The onslaught of it. The major extremes. Thank God. That shit was NOT sustainable. Over the last decade I found a way I could stand to exist and then, miraculously, I even found some new things to be excited about.
But some days are still hard. Like today. Today was one of those days where I felt like an outsider in the world. And I didn't even leave my house or go online much. It was just a quiet Sunday where I did laundry and not much else. And even though that sounds nice, it honestly wasn't that great. I didn't have a very good day.
It feels like my life is so different from most people's, and even I struggle to understand it. I want to understand it. Then I could understand all of the insidious judgments that I process regularly. If I could understand the cascade of effects that involuntary childlessness has had for me, then maybe there is a chance that others could understand. Maybe even other people could understand how my life is structured differently and stop their subconscious judgments.
Because it's just hard living a life that most people don't understand. I get that a lot of people probably feel that way about a lot of different things. But this is my life, and my experience is living childless not-by-choice.
It hasn't been easy. And that part is oddly overlooked in the long-term. Some days are hard.
Sending you love for your hard day. I feel that slow feeling that just feels... Blah. I'm glad you write. It's such a great outlet, and also a means of connection even though people seem to enjoy the tiktok more than blogs (and now I feel 90). 🙃
ReplyDeleteSending hugs. Yes, the blogosphere is slowing down, but it seems to have moved slightly to substack and Medium too. There are also all those people you don't know are reading, and who, as you say, might need to hear what you have to say. I've certainly received emails from people who have asked questions, or needed help, and I never knew they were reading. Even someone I knew in real life! And besides, I appreciate having you here as a really important part of our small community. I think when our grief slows down, it is also really important for others to read and to see that there is hope of that happening.
ReplyDeleteBut yes, it isn't easy. Some days are hard. I'm really sorry about that, and wish there was an answer for it. I had a hard day last week, and I might write about that soon. The feelings I want to talk about make me feel vulnerable. I'm still feeling them and processing them. But knowing someone like you (and our other lovely No Kidding blog friends) will be reading helps.
PS. Slow can be very good. Slow gives us time to breathe, to be kind to ourselves, or just to sit in emotions that we don't fully understand. More hugs on the way.
Jess and Mali, thank you so much. I love you both more than you know! :)
ReplyDeleteDear Phoenix,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry I am late. But I want to send my hugs across the Atlantic, too <3.
Yes, I agree. I feel like my body slows down at this time of year. I am sure that before the discovery of electricity, people slept a lot more in winter.
Blogging certainly slowed down, too, at least the way we kew it. I haven't bothered exploring Substack and all these other options yet. There might be opportunities there?
It is a good thing that the onslaught of grief has slowed down. I certainly feel similar, too. And yet there can be hard days. And these suck :-(. I am sorry...
The insidious judgments... yes. I guess it might have to do with the bubbles we all live in. It can be hard to look outside of them, especially if your one's life is busy and brings its own challenges. Sigh!
Much love from snowy Switzland!
Elaine, you are not late. There is no schedule. :)
DeleteThank you for understanding. It always helps me so much. <3