My family isn't very nice to me.
There. I said it.
I'm 45 years old and I am constantly criticized for all of my choices: where I live, what I do for work, who I choose as my partner, and how I spend my time. At this point, it is absolutely ridiculous. I am fine. I'm employed. I pay my bills. I am kind. I have hobbies. I volunteer.
But I don't need to tell you all of this. I don't even need to tell myself.
I am enough and I don't need to explain my existence or reasoning.
It's just really, really sad.
I woke up in a bit of a funk yesterday morning. I knew my extended family was gathering for the holidays yesterday, but I chose to take care of myself, not travel, and stay home. I don't regret my decision, but I still missed seeing my cousins. I called my parents to visit and my mom was so mean. She's the kind of person that will insult you and then tell you, "You're overthinking it," when you call her out on it. That is exactly what happened yesterday. I tried not to let it, but it really soured my day. I am a high achieving, accomplished adult, and I am treated like I am an ignorant teenager making bad choices. It's beyond annoying.
I feel like I'm constantly having realizations about my relationships with my family members and learning how to interact differently. But it's a neverending evolution apparently. Hopefully, I learned some new things yesterday because I am really tired of feeling like a hurt and misunderstood kid.
Do I go low contact? I've tried every other strategy so far. I've done nothing wrong. But I am still insulted. My life and my choices are not respected. How my life is and how I am treated by my family is completely incongruous.
Is it because I'm not married? Because I don't have kids? Because I'm the youngest?
I thought as my niece and nephew grew up, the family would realize I was also growing up. But my young adult niece and nephew seem to have surpassed me in the family. They are not criticized for where they live or what they do. It is really, really, really fucking weird.
I am glad I stayed home this weekend. I am glad I did the best I could to take care of myself. I am sorry that I hung up the phone yesterday and continued to replay all of the criticisms lobbed at me on repeat in my head all day. I tried writing a letter to myself in my head telling myself all of the things I wanted to hear.
I don't know what else to do. I feel like I cannot deal with this anymore. It's not good for me.
It's not right, and it's not fair. I survived my worst nightmare. I don't have kids after planning for them and structuring my entire life around having them. I've been through so much stress and dealt with so much grief: infertility, failed treatments, moving, divorce, a pandemic. I know I've done an amazing, awesome job, but I don't want to have to tell my parents that anymore. It should be the other way around. They should be telling me, not me trying to convince them.
Did I mention that I'm 45??
And it's not like I'm trying to explain myself. It just happens in conversation. My mom will ask what I've been up to this week, I'll share things like "working and sewing," and whatever I say is always the wrong thing. Wrong job, wrong hobby. It's. So. Bizarre.
When I was a kid and she was mad at me, my mother used to smirk and tell me all the time, "I hope you grow up and have a daughter just like you." And to my credit, I would say, "Me too. Then at least someone in my life would make sense."
Yesterday was just another day in my life with my parents. But just like the acquaintance I wrote about in my last post (the "I know you don't want to see any newborn pictures, but do you want to see just one?" lady), people will say the weirdest shit to me. And out of all of the venting I did to my boyfriend yesterday, I still didn't even tell him the most hurtful thing my mom said. (He is so over it. I was grateful that he was listening to me, but I also wanted to spare him.)
Yesterday my mother said to me, "I know you don't like to hear this. But, as a parent, that's just how it [parenting] is." My MOM tried to parent-splain (that's my version of "mansplain") her treatment of me, her middle aged daughter, as reasonable because she claimed that's how parenting is while simultaneously referencing the fact that I have no children and inferring that I don't know what it's like.
😳
Wow, lady.
Just wow.
Sending you huge (((hugs))), Phoenix. My own parents are not quite like that (I think??), but they do tend to treat both me & my sister like we're still teenagers sometimes (we're both over 60 now!!). We have to do things to their EXACT specifications (and my dad in particular will hover over us to supervise and make sure we're doing it "right"). Last time I was home, my dad started giving me detailed instructions on reheating something in the microwave -- I said, "Dad! I've used the microwave before! I think I can figure it out" Oy!
ReplyDeleteI don't know if having kids of our own would have made a difference? I do think with some parents, once you're their kid, you're always their kid, you know? Although I suppose that grandchildren would have given them something else to focus on.
Thank you for your comment, Loribeth. Writing that post felt very vulnerable for me. But, as with many things I have written on this blog, I just ran out of ideas on how to cope and didn't know what else to do.
DeleteIt's too bad that some parents can't see their grown children as capable adults. I mean, they raised them. Shouldn't they at least give themselves credit? Lol.
Anyway, thank you for reading and giving me space to vent. I know my mom loves me and I love her. I just get so hurt and frustrated. I'm not really interested in going low contact. My parents are important to me. As of today, I've decided to try to not focus on it. Not talk about it and choose a different thought when I think about it. Easier said than done but everything is a practice... <3
My in-laws always talked about their sons as "the kids" which might be natural, but rather than name them (even if only one or two was involved). My mother-in-law tried to shame my husband for something (many times), but once I had had enough, and I laughed in her face, and said, "I can't believe you're still trying to shame him and he's in his 50s!" Interestingly, I see it being recreated in one of his sons, who treats his own children (in their 20s and 30s) as if they are still children. So it seems to be something some parents just do - infantalise their children for their entire lives.
DeleteOh wow.
ReplyDeleteI want to think about this a little longer before I answer in more detail, but I will say this: I am very sorry to read this.
There is one thing I realized this year: That there are a lot of complicated ANDs in life. I am getting better at tolerating them, but sometimes, I still struggle. My parents loving me but not always being good for me is one of those. It can be hard.
Will write more soon.
In the meantime I am sending hugs!
You are so right: there are a lot of complicated ANDs in life. That is really helpful. Thank you for sharing! <3
DeleteHi, Phoenix, I came here from Stirrup Queens Friday post. It sounds so awful to be your mother’s daughter right now. It does sound like this dynamic has been going on for a long time and your mother never got the message that you are just doing great, despite a big pile of heartache that came your way. It reminds me of two times in my life when I’ve felt like I’m a little girl around the grown ups. Once was my nasty uncle who used to ask me if I had a boyfriend every time I saw him. He asked it in such a way that I felt just so gross and unseen. Whether I was 6 or 16 it felt so nosy and prying. Another time was when I went on vacation with my twin sister and her husband, their two kids and his extended family. Well his mom and sister. I’m gay and so is his sister. My BIL looked down on both of us and made it clear he thought we were young, idealistic and emotional ( yes, I was the same age as the woman he married but I was juvenile and irrational). They were going through some serious marital problems and everyone knew it but no-one said it. His mom was there to make nice meals, help with the kids etc so they could have some time to focus on “them”. I was there on a trip to visit for the summer from England and trying to see my sister and nieces and have fun. In the house we were staying in, there was a big master bedroom with a jacuzzi tub - well of course, the married couple got the “bridal suite” so they could re-ignite their miserable marriage. The mother of the husband got the mother in law suite that had a queen size bed and was very elegant. And the little gay sister in law who was not a real grown up got the rustic bunk bed room, with the checkered red and white bedcovers and the child sized chairs. It was kind of like Goldilocks! I was the baby bear! Later on the sister of the husband joined me and we had a gay old girl laughing at it all. But at the time it happened, even though it made logical sense to arrange it that way, I felt like a child who had been put in the smallest room as punishment for not being heterosexual or married or not knowing what I was doing with my life. And we all had to hail to the holy grail of marriage, and bolster them up so they could succeed. My poor sister stayed in that marriage for probably 12 more years before she finally got out. And then, 10 years later she became estranged from me and my family because her long term boyfriend didn’t like us anymore. It’s strange what people will do for the institution of family. It sounds like heart to hearts go nowhere. I’m wondering if perhaps you have a therapist who can help figure out what to do. Another suggestion that I’ve learned about dealing with narcissists ( and I am not saying she is one, but she is definitely focusing on herself in these exchanges) is to grey wall them. Don’t give her anything to hang onto or to criticize. Be bland and boring and minimize the conversation as much as possible. Don’t get into long discussions. Give her the lowlight reel and then say goodbye. Once she starts criticizing just excuse yourself. I know it must feel so painful to have a family who seem to appreciate each other but they don’t appreciate or see you for who you are. It must really hurt. You see what you want but you don’t get it. I’m sending you a virtual hug. The flip side is I don’t really have a family to criticize or judge me, and that’s so freeing in many ways and also lonely too. Sorry if this is way too long or too much “advice”. Take care and I hope you treat yourself to something that makes you feel good over the holidays. Or as we gays say, make chosen family instead - which is a whole different sad story if you can’t bloody well find them!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment, Tireegal. Thank you for sharing your personal experiences. I guess it's common to treat single, childless (or childfree) adults like children. But it's so weird!
DeleteI had a difficult year with my family with something that happened this summer, so my feelings are already a little raw. I keep reminding myself that *I* am proud of myself and that *I* like my life and that's what matters most. My parents' baseless concerns for me is not my problem to manage.
Thank you again for your kind comment and for offering some different ideas to try. I really appreciate it! <3
Ohhhh no. No no no no. I am so sorry. What a horrible way to spend a phone call and then have it infect the time after so pervasively. I feel like her words have so much more to say about her than about you, but that doesn't make them hurt less. Maybe she's secretly jealous that you have a life you unapologetically love. Maybe she's a sociopath and is happier when you're unhappy. I kept thinking on repeat as I read this, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested in your opinion of my life." But, if your mom is the kind of person I think she is, saying something like that would just blow up in your face and not be worth it.
ReplyDeleteI love that you wrote yourself a letter of what you wanted to hear. What you NEEDED to hear. I think sometimes people's definition of what a parent "just is" really exposes the kind of parent they choose to be. I'm so so sorry.
Sending you love -- you are amazing, and it sucks to have a person who should celebrate that refuse to see it. 💜💜💜
PS I got the same "I hope you have a daughter just like you!" Like it was a curse of some kind. Lovely.
Your mom said that to you too?? What is wrong with their generation? Our moms deserved more love and I bet their moms did too. We all do. But seriously, what a weird thing to say... Especially to your own child.
DeleteHmmm... Maybe she is happier when I'm unhappy...It's certainly an interesting theory. Even if she doesn't realize it? Some people thrive on chaos.
Thank you for your comment Jess. It means a lot to me. And you totally reminded me of the advice my best friend gave me in college!! She listened to me talk about my mom a lot and she said to picture The Dude from The Big Lebowski saying, "That's just, like, your opinion man." Hahaha. Thank you for that reminder.
I like Jess's though. I've seen research that says people become happier when they feel elevated above others. Maybe that's your mother. I think my response to the parenting comment would have been, "yeah, but not GOOD parenting." (To be fair, probably in my head, and 30 minutes after hanging up the phone! lol)
DeleteI'm really sorry you have this negativity in your life. The trouble is that while you know it's not true, the little girl that grew up with it still inside you worries about it. I'm sending her a huge hug, and telling her she's fabulous! (The same goes for you, the adult!)
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming you've tried to push back in the past? Or laugh at her (and others) ridiculous comments? Or just tell them why you don't want to be around them? I think so often that we all tiptoe around each other to avoid hurt feelings, but that only leaves us with the hurt feelings. (Of course, I also know it's easier said than done.)
The thing is, we are all proud of you. We know what you've been through, how you've coped, reinvented yourself, forged a new life in the face of adversity, and achieved so much in doing so. The fact your family can't see it is also their loss. Their lives are lesser because they refuse to see it. What a narrow world they live in! They have their life narratives, and are incapable of expanding those. That's pretty sad, pathetic, and even pitiable.
The thing is that they will probably never change. So you have to protect yourself. I really like "that's just, like, your opinion man." lol
And fully support any decision you make to go low contact, or not. Sending hugs.
Thanks for the hug, Mali. You are right. They will not change. And I do need to protect myself. I'm thankful for this community that listens to me and also validates me. I know I've overcome a lot, but I'm not going to lie--having others see it too feels good. So, thank you!!
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