Making Baby Quilts

If you would have told me ten years ago that I would enjoy making baby quilts, I would not have believed you. Not in a million years. For one, I didn't even quilt back then. And two, there's no way I could have done that. Make something that takes a long time for someone else's baby?? No way.

And now I've made four.

They are cute, fun, and, considering how long a full-sized quilt takes to make, quick and easy.

You just sandwich two yards of fabric with some batting in between and quilt diagonal lines across. Then you attach the binding and sew it down. You're done! No piecing necessary. 

And even though it seems to make the new moms nervous, you can just throw these quilts in the washer and dryer. You don't do anything special to clean them. Quilts are meant to be used.

I finished this latest baby quilt last night. I look forward to my Saturday evenings. I've created the habit of watching an old movie while sewing. It's relaxing and I love it. I'll drink a couple of beers, eat some snacks, and stand at my machine or sit in my recliner and sew. What? You weren't expecting a couple of beers to be part of the equation? Hahaha.

This quilt is for my yoga teacher who is due in a month. She has reduced her class schedule immensely. How she is even still teaching I have no idea. Teaching yoga is a gift of service and requires a lot of energy. She is amazing. She even does most of the practice with us still, modifying a lot of the poses of course. And she is not a 25 year old. She will be an older mom, but not a first time mom. This will be her second.

I've witnessed her entire pregnancy. I knew her before she announced her pregnancy, but I suspected she was pregnant. I think I have some sort of pregnancy radar. I miss a lot of things in life, but I can usually guess when a woman is pregnant.

It wasn't hard for me. I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I divorced my husband, who I chose to be the father of my children. I changed careers from working with kids to working with older and elderly adults. I moved away from the city, my friends, and my family to pursue a different kind of life. It's been over ten years since I stopped trying to conceive; my life is radically different.

I am happy for my friend, and I enjoyed making a baby quilt for her. I'm excited to give it to her, especially since she has no idea I've been making it. 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: miracles happen every day. I did not get my miracle baby in this lifetime, but my recovery and healing from all I've been through is definitely miraculous.

My boyfriend picked out the blue binding. I was going to use brown, but the blue looks so much better. He is really gifted with color and fabric. My boyfriend is my quilt muse lol. 

The front of the quilt has fabric based on the children's book Where The Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak. A classic. The quotes include, "Inside all of us is hope, fear, and adventure," and "There are no ideas too wild."

The backing of the quilt is a furry, textured fabric called Minky. I love to use it for the backs of quilts. It's so soft and snuggly. (My corners aren't perfect, but neither is life!)

The Observer & The Experiencer

"Why did I even have kids?"

That was another thing that my mom said to me during our phone conversation last week. It really bothered me. After we hung up, I cried. The whole conversation was tough. The whole thing was just so careless and insensitive. I called her the next day to confront her about the question above and she brushed it off as something she just said off-handedly, that she didn't mean anything by it. Okay...

But in the moment? In the moment my honest-to-goodness first thought was, "Well, that's a question only you can answer." It was my Observer speaking.

I learned about cultivating the Observer and the Experiencer at my old yoga studio in my old town. I learned so many good things there. I got so many tools for life from that place. It will always hold a special place in my heart.

I'm not sure I will explain it well, but it's just like it sounds. The Experiencer is the part of you that is experiencing a situation complete with your thoughts and your feelings and all. The Observer is the part of you that is removed from the situation and can see it without everything that comes with experiencing it. I guess, if I were to guess, the Observer is more objective while the Experiencer is more subjective. 

Why did my mom have kids? I don't know... I can guess, but I really don't know. Probably because it was expected of her and she was fertile. Probably because she never made a conscious decision to not have children. But really and truly, that is not a question that I can answer for her.

It's also not a question that should be said to me, her infertile daughter.

Stress & Privilege

"What do you have to be stressed about?"

That question was posed to me this morning. It's not the first time my mother has said this to me, but it still sucks. I know it is a rude and judgmental thing to say to another person, but it still hurts. Even worse, she followed it up with, "I went through the same thing and I had a whole family to take care of." Well, shit.

It was a horrible conversation. I should have known better and not answered the phone. I had just returned home the previous day from a long (but good) work-related trip. I was exhausted. I didn't have the emotional reserves to buffer myself.

I was criticized and accused. There was no empathy. She was getting more and more upset as we talked. I told her I'd like to stay on the phone until she felt better. She sounded like she felt better by the time we hung up. I felt awful.

From the outside, it's easy to see how crazy it all is.
As the one experiencing it, it is very, very hard to process. 

She told me she felt like she had to walk on eggshells around me, and I told her I felt the same.

There is no answer. There is no solution. I am out of strategies. 

Thankfully, I have emotional support in other areas of my life. 

*****

So let's move on to my week-long trip. It was long. It was busy. It was expensive. It was great.

I felt a roller coaster of emotions throughout the week. At times I was excited. At other times, I felt overwhelmed. By the last day I was in extreme physical pain. I blame 1) the stress (even positive stress is still stress) and 2) what I ate. I am not 25 anymore! I ate out for every meal, and I tend to go for the fried and/or cheesy food. Apparently, I cannot do that anymore. Not for every meal. Lesson learned! For my last meal, I ordered a salad. Better late than never, right? ;)

Toward the end of my trip, as I was talking myself down from the stress, I realized that I had what so many other women wanted: a week to myself. I had no one else's needs to attend to, no one else's preferences to consider. Other than my scheduled meetings, I could do what I want. And that I did! As I already mentioned, I ate what I wanted when I wanted. I did some shopping. I went to bed early. I lived life on my terms. Which, I suppose, I usually do anyway... But this was in a different state in a new city and, even though it was a work-related trip, it was also a vacation. 

I've shared before that I don't like to travel. I love my comforts of home. But I can still recognize what a privilege it is to have the health, means, and opportunity to travel. 

It was a privilege to get to spend a week by myself.

Nine Years Blogging

Nine years and five days ago I took the plunge and published my first blog post. I had been thinking about blogging for awhile and decided to do it. I was extremely lonely and looking for connection. I hope what I have shared here has helped someone, but I think that what I have received here is exponentially more than what I've given.

Thank you.

I used to be in constant pain. I used to be ashamed and embarrassed. I used to be very angry.

I am no longer in pain. I am no longer ashamed and embarrassed.
I am still angry but it's about other things, not infertility.

This is my life. This is how it's come to be. This is what I've done with the time that was left after my lifelong dream and primal desire went unrealized.

Honestly, I give myself a shit ton of credit. I am very proud of myself.
But I also could not have done it alone.

Thank you.

Once again, I am in the midst of massive changes. I am going through it and will write about it once I get to the other side. All is well; I am just very stressed. But now I can remind myself that I've already been through the worst. What is stress after enduring life-altering trauma?? I got this.

And so do you.

Feel free to read all of my other blogging anniversary posts if you want. They cover a lot. This year's post will be short. We all need to conserve our precious energy. Life isn't easy for anyone.

But we all know how to navigate darkness. We all know how to live life after loss. 

Maybe I will blog for another year and close it down on my 10th blogging anniversary.

Maybe I will blog forever.

💜

Do something kind for yourself today. You deserve it.

Picture retrieved from a party supply store here