Friday, March 15, 2024

Finally Resting

I am getting so excited. I get to share my research about involuntary childlessness later this month. I'm nervous too, but mostly excited. If just one person stops by my poster to ask about my research, I will be so happy. My presentation handout has been submitted, and I have my poster printed and ready to go. One of my professors recommended getting a fabric poster, and I'm so glad she did. It will be easier to carry on the plane. I'll share next month how it goes!

That's pretty much all that is on my mind. 

Other than that, I'll be honest, I am enjoying living alone so far. It gives me the space for the rest that I desperately need. I'm going to work, paying the bills, doing the dishes and laundry, cooking a little bit, eating delicious leftovers, and doing something social every week. I will figure out how to add housecleaning and exercising to my routine as well.

Other than that, I am resting. 

Radically resting. 

Profoundly resting. 

When my last round of IVF did not result in pregnancy, I felt an extreme urgency to figure something else out for my life. I had planned on being a mother for 35 years, but then I had to completely switch gears, think of something else, and make it happen. And I felt this strange urge to start THEN. Not wait until I felt better. Not wait a minute longer. 

And I never stopped. I just kept going. 

And now I am resting. I'm equally tired and grateful. I have my home. I get along with my family and see them several times a year. I like where I live and what I do for work. I've got hobbies and interests. I've even made some new friends over the last year. I'm part of a professional association and a monthly social group. And I'm not making any more commitments than that. 

My life is so full. 

But for so long, my life felt so empty...
It began with empty arms and spread to my very existence.

I am glad to be on this side of things now. Eternally grateful.
There is always the other side to things... Keep moving through it.

And be sure to rest.

For me, resting looks like this: giving myself permission to do less, making warm tasty food at home, taking baths, taking naps, sewing, reading a book or magazine, looking out the window, taking slow deep breaths, relaxing my shoulders, and telling myself that I'm proud of myself. 

How do you rest?






Tuesday, March 5, 2024

It Doesn't Always Hurt

There's a lot going on in the world right now. A lot of it is really bad. I've started to just be completely honest in my conversations with my friends. This time period of my life is a bit of a struggle. Life is hard, and I need more good news in general. And when I share how I'm feeling with my friends, they share with me. They are feeling the same way too. Tired and overwhelmed. 

We are not alone. Keep reaching out.

So amidst lots of terrible things, I have a tiny piece of good news from my life that I'd like to share.

I got caught off guard with another baby picture this week. This one was over text from a new co-worker who knows nothing about me personally. (Yet! Haha. She'll probably learn in time. These days I'm pretty open about being childless not-by-choice. I figure if I've reached a place where I can talk about it, then my talking about it will help raise awareness and reduce stigma and assumptions.) Anyway, I was texting about work with a co-worker when she sent me a picture of what she was doing at the moment--feeding her baby at home in her living room.

And... It didn't hurt.

I can't really tell you why sometimes these unsolicited baby pictures hurt and why sometimes they don't. I think, like most things, it's a combination of factors. Who the parent is, who the baby is, how I'm feeling that day...

This co-worker is new, and I am very grateful she joined our team. I will learn a lot from her. I think she is only a couple of years younger than me, based off of the year she graduated. 

And... Well... Quite honestly, I don't want a baby anymore. 

My kids would be anywhere between 8 and 12 by now. Way past the baby stage. No longer a toddler. Not even a little kid anymore. Those warm baby snuggles would be long gone, and my new way of demonstrating love for my kids would be driving them all over town to school, appointments, and activities. 

So yeah... 

It doesn't always hurt. 

I just wanted to share that. 💜

Saturday, February 24, 2024

Doing Things Differently

The past couple of weeks since my last post have been a bit of a whirlwind. 

I spent my first full week alone at home, although I stayed in communication with my ex.

I went out on Valentine's Day with a friend. She and I celebrated a belated Galentine's Day by splitting an amazing charcuterie board at a cute little wine bar. I don't like wine and had a cocktail. My friend ordered a non-alcoholic beer. We had so much fun.  

I worked a lot. I worked probably more than I should have considering the energetic demands of the last couple of months but work needed me and I needed work, so that's how that went.

I saw my ex-boyfriend when he came by to pick up something he needed.

And I got covid for the first time.

Seriously. 

I don't know if I caught covid while working, playing, or seeing my ex. But after two years of quarantining, a third year of masking, and a fourth year of staying up to date on booster shots and overcoming the mental blocks I developed over the aforementioned three years... I was pissed I got covid. I hate being sick. I did so much for so long to avoid it.

My ex-boyfriend stayed and took care of me. I'm really grateful. He kept me on a regimen of food, fluids, and over the counter medicine. He didn't feel well either but never tested and didn't get as sick as me. We assume he had it too. I didn't get terribly sick, but I didn't feel well for four days. As of this evening, I'm starting to feel a little better. We are still isolating though. There's not much information, but the CDC still recommends a five-day isolation period. So we're doing that.

This too shall pass.

I didn't do anything for the first three days, and it felt weird. I just ate food, drank fluids, took ibuprofen or acetaminophen, and tried to sleep as much as I could. 

I thought about how if I had kids, I would still have to take care of them even when I'm sick. But I don't have kids, so I don't have to take care of anyone else when I'm sick. Different lives, different problems. Different advantages and disadvantages.

I thought about facing my fears. How you think you could never deal with something but then you're forced to deal with it. You don't have a choice. I really didn't want to get covid and spent four years trying to avoid it. Now I have it. In the bigger picture of my life, I really didn't want to be childless. But here I am. 

I thought about how there's so much I want to do, and I don't take my enthusiasm for granted. There's so much I want to learn. Changing careers mid-life is challenging. I knew my old job extremely well. I had a lot of knowledge and experience. But with a new career, well, I am new. I have a lot of knowledge and experience to gain. Plus, I love what I do. I want to know more. 

I thought about quilts. There are so many quilts I want to make. I know of three quilts I definitely want to finish this year. There are two more on the forefront of my mind that I look forward to starting. And then there's all the rest of my fabric and patterns to keep me entertained, haha.

But I digress... Those were just some thoughts I had. I got sick and couldn't do anything, but I had some time to think about things. And things have been different.

I didn't have a post in mind. I just wanted to write something and check in. The last couple of weeks have been out of the ordinary. But other than being sick, things have been pretty good. Well, different. And even though I'm a creature of habit, different can be good.


Artwork by Pink Shark Scales

Saturday, February 10, 2024

A Valentine for You

The last time I celebrated Valentine's Day was in 2009. It was the last Valentine's Day before my then-boyfriend (now ex-husband) and I got married. He wrote a very thoughtful letter, and it is one of the most memorable gifts I've ever received from a partner. A handwritten letter doesn't cost anything to write and it came from a man of few words, so it was priceless to me.

After we got married, I figured we had our anniversary, Xmas, and our birthdays. I didn't need Valentine's Day too. It was easy not to celebrate a holiday that was never very important to me. After we divorced, even when I had a boyfriend, I never picked the holiday back up. Valentine's Day isn't on my radar screen much. 

But don't get me wrong, I LOVE chocolate and stuffed animals. 

Now that I think about it... Maybe I *should* be celebrating this holiday every year. Maybe I'll start next year. Maybe I'll host a drop-by snacks party for friends to remind everyone I love them.

Ooh, I actually like this idea. Maybe I'll start a tradition for Valentine's. Decorate my house, fill the table with food, and maybe even give away stuffed animals as party favors, haha. I have a lot of love to give. and I might as well share it with my friends. Make some food and invite them over. Valentine's 2025.

Until then, we will celebrate right now. Ourselves and each other.

A Valentine for You. You are loved by me. Be where you are and enjoy the little things.




Tuesday, February 6, 2024

This Anonymous Blog

I've stopped doing Word of the Year. I did it for several years, but my interest in it and feeling connected to the whole idea just decreased. So I let it go. That said, I still love SelfLoveRainbow's word of the year for 2024. You can see the graphic she created for it at the end of this post.

How is your February going?

Mine is okay. A pre-holiday breakup when he is still living here almost two months later is very challenging, but it has also given us time to support each other, communicate, and let go. That all sounds very nice, but it has been very messy and hard.

But infertility taught me to deal with reality and this is my reality right now.

I've always shared honestly here. I've written about my shame with infertility, my embarrassment, my jealous thoughts, and my dark feelings, in addition to my realizations, changes, growth, and renewed enthusiasm. I've tried not to share too many details when writing about others and their stories as I'm writing about my own experiences. I've written about sooo many loved ones (family and friends) and not always in a positive light. For me or for them. But I didn't know how else to deal with infertility. I was at a loss and I was trying to save my life.

I really want this blog to remain anonymous.

(Side note: Does anyone else have a problem with the word hope? It makes me cringe. I went to write, "I really hope this blog remains anonymous," but I am no longer on friendly terms with the word "hope" and it is very difficult for me to write or say it. There's a blog post for another day...)

I really want this blog to remain anonymous.

I have awesome news to share. My proposal to present my research at a national conference was accepted! This means I will get to talk about the international study I got to do about the lived experience of involuntary childlessness after infertility. I am excited to share my research with others, but the best part is this will lead to the research getting published! Then other people can find it, cite it, and build on it!! I am ecstatic. And so, so thankful for the opportunity to conduct research for our community.

So back to my anonymity...

My research is tied to my name. I am the primary author. There is no mention of the blog, but it would not be hard to put the two together if you know of one and discovered the other.

So... If you ever recognize me out there in the world, please protect my blog's anonymity. Feel free to share it as a resource because I have written very honestly and it may help others feel less alone, but please do not connect it with my real name. 

And if my mom or one of my sisters or one of my friends ever does find my blog and read an unfavorable post, I will own up to it. And they will probably give me grace. They all saw me when I was walking death. I'm sure they will allow me this space to grieve and grow.

But it's fine if that never happens! :) I'd like to stay anonymous.

Thank you.



Wednesday, January 31, 2024

Unexpected Moment of Grief

I feel compelled to state the obvious: it's the last day of January 2024. Is it just me or did that month seem to go by pretty fast? I wasn't even having that great of a time and it still flew by. February tomorrow. Huh. How about that.

I've written so much about how far I've come from my devastation of not being able to raise children. I like to share what changes I've made and what makes me happy. I like to share that I like my life. But I also like to be real. And the truth is that I still grieve. Something will trigger my pain and then I feel the losses that come throughout life when you're involuntarily childless.

Someone showed me a picture the other day. It was someone I know very well that showed it to me. I thought they'd know better. The picture was of a baby of someone else I know very well that is now grown up. I'd never seen a picture of them as a baby. I burst into tears. 

Whoa. Didn't see that coming... 

But, I know I'm low on emotional resources these days. Plus, I'm in my season of grief, that time of year where I was undergoing IVF nine years ago. The body remembers. I give myself grace. 

You know what I did. I felt my sadness, and I let myself cry without judgment. Then the moment really did pass. It took an hour or two, but that was it. Things like that no longer incapacitate me.

But I want to acknowledge that the moments of grief still happen.

And time marches on.





Thursday, January 18, 2024

Keep Reaching Out

Support is rarely a one time thing. During hard times, we need continual bursts of it.

I'm in a mood where I feel less-than-great. I think I'm feeling anxious, uncertain. Sad.

So I reached out to two different friends via text. One friend is my most recent best friend from where I used to live. I've been lucky to have her in my life for 11 years now even though we actually met for the first time by chance back in 1998. The other friend is my best friend from high school. We lost touch for many years but reconnected through mutual friends, and I am so glad we did. Both these women are awesome! And they knew what to say to support me this morning.

Gahhh this time period of my life sucks so much AND I am feeling very thankful. I have cultivated great support in my life. And also?... This is, by far, NOT the worst thing I've been through. 

So there's that.

But it can be hard to reach out. We feel annoying or like a burden or a broken record. Whatever. Reach out anyway. We need the support and our loved ones want to support us.

*****

Here's something I finished a couple of days ago. It's my first quilt top of 2024, and it's flannel.

This quilt top represents a lot to me because I hadn't been sewing as much since the summer.

One of the significant issues in my most recent relationship was his young adult son who lived with us as an opportunity to save some money but did nothing to contribute to the household or move forward as an individual in society. I don't want to say too much because my experience involves other people's stories, but I will say this: it was driving me crazy!!! As a former teacher and current healthcare professional, not to mention as a childless not-by-choice woman, it was extremely difficult for me to live with someone in my own house who was given multiple opportunities to move forward in life and chose not to.

Plus, he was staying in my sewing room, which is why I had not been sewing as much. I sacrificed my creative space for six months to give him a place to live, which I was glad to do... When I thought he was going to go back to school or enlist in the military or do some job training, all things he said he was going to do. Folks... He did none of the above. 

Did I mention that this was the third time I'd lived with this young man in the last five years?

O. M. G. Living with other people's children (and parenting) is so hard. 

So, anyway, long story short (and I am really abbreviating this painful story)...
I wanted a family. I thought my boyfriend and his son could be my family.
But I realized they are not. They are not my family. 

So the kid moved out and I got my sewing room back. I've been sewing so much more. And reorganizing my fabric. It's healing while my life goes through yet another transformation.

*****

In summary, text your friends. Call your family. Send an email. Write a letter. It's whatever you choose. Just reach out. We don't have to go through hard times all alone.

Also, be honest with yourself. Especially when it's hard. This is where reaching out to a loved one can also help. We can hear ourselves think when we talk to others.

And finally, find an activity where you can get lost in the flow. We can't think all of the time.

*****

Here are some more blocks for the international sew-a-long for my Alice in Wonderland quilt:

The Dormouse at the Tea Party

&

Some Cake for the Tea Party.