My best friend from college had her baby this week. Of course I am happy for her. And of course it's complicated. Of course it brings up sadness for me for myself.
As soon as I think I'm fine with my lot in life, I am reminded that I'm not. Or, at least, I'm not as okay with it as I thought I was.
It's weird. Do I *really* want a newborn right now? Yes. And no.
I think about it and I go back and forth. I guess that's a waste of my time because my fertility obviously isn't up to me. But I wonder how I truly feel and what thoughts have become a self-protective mechanism.
Recently I've been telling my husband that I wanted it to happen THEN, but I don't really want it to happen NOW. But then a week like this comes along and I think, well, what do I want? Again, though, it's not up to me.
Although I will share with you all that we are using contraception. That feels so weird to say. One, because it's so personal and I just put it on the internet. And two, because, well, I tried to get pregnant for yearsss... Why prevent pregnancy? I mean, it's obviously not necessary.
But I needed a break. I needed to stop hoping. Every. Single. Month. I needed a break from heartbreak. I was very, very tired. And so, at least for now, I know it's absolutely not going to happen. And maybe that's where my questioning comes in. Maybe that's why I'm still asking myself what do I want.
And I don't know.
I wanted to raise babies and toddlers in my 30s, not my 40s. There's nothing wrong with raising babies and toddlers in your 40s; it's just my personal preference. But what if I'm wrong about myself?
I drive myself crazy with the back and forth thinking. It's not like it's up to me anyway. I tried. I tried everything. It didn't happen. And I am moving forward.
But, right now, I am in a funk. I recognize this. I am familiar with this. But it still sucks.