My best friend from college had her baby this week. Of course I am happy for her. And of course it's complicated. Of course it brings up sadness for me for myself.
As soon as I think I'm fine with my lot in life, I am reminded that I'm not. Or, at least, I'm not as okay with it as I thought I was.
It's weird. Do I *really* want a newborn right now? Yes. And no.
I think about it and I go back and forth. I guess that's a waste of my time because my fertility obviously isn't up to me. But I wonder how I truly feel and what thoughts have become a self-protective mechanism.
Recently I've been telling my husband that I wanted it to happen THEN, but I don't really want it to happen NOW. But then a week like this comes along and I think, well, what do I want? Again, though, it's not up to me.
Although I will share with you all that we are using contraception. That feels so weird to say. One, because it's so personal and I just put it on the internet. And two, because, well, I tried to get pregnant for yearsss... Why prevent pregnancy? I mean, it's obviously not necessary.
But I needed a break. I needed to stop hoping. Every. Single. Month. I needed a break from heartbreak. I was very, very tired. And so, at least for now, I know it's absolutely not going to happen. And maybe that's where my questioning comes in. Maybe that's why I'm still asking myself what do I want.
And I don't know.
I wanted to raise babies and toddlers in my 30s, not my 40s. There's nothing wrong with raising babies and toddlers in your 40s; it's just my personal preference. But what if I'm wrong about myself?
I drive myself crazy with the back and forth thinking. It's not like it's up to me anyway. I tried. I tried everything. It didn't happen. And I am moving forward.
But, right now, I am in a funk. I recognize this. I am familiar with this. But it still sucks.
I know, it is hard. But it does get better, I promise.
ReplyDeletesending you warm hugs across the Atlantic.
Klara
Thank you Klara. I try to remind myself that three steps forward and two steps back is still progress. But I agree- it is hard. I also believe it will continue to get better. It's a new kind of hope. Thank you again. <3
DeleteYou're totally normal - I was in a frenzy with back and forth thinking. I wanted it and then didn't want it, then it was different again the next week. And the constant thinking it might happen this month (and then it didn't) was so bloody tiring. The only time I've had peace is now that the window is closed for good. So I can understand using contraception. Funny, I was musing on it yesterday. I was thinking about the remote 0.0000001% (or whatever) chance of me having a weird 'miracle' mid-40s pregnancy, and I was thinking that I definitely don't want a newborn now. Then I thought: well, I think I don't want one...gah where does it end!
ReplyDeleteLol! Thank you so much!! Your comment was so helpful. I get so tired of myself sometimes, you know? But I guess it's all a part of it. When I feel like this, I try to remind myself how far I've come. Ah, patience- not my strong point but I'm getting endless opportunities to practice it...
DeleteI can remember the counsellor we saw, when we were contemplating throwing in the towel on treatment, encouraged us to use birth control. She said, "I know it sounds INSANE, after everything you've been through to try to get pregnant. But it's the only way you won't have that nagging little voice in the back of your head wondering..." She was right (although we never did use bc consistently). I also get the ambivalence about pregnancy in your 40s. I used to joke that my great-grandmother had her last baby at 47; why not me? But the closer I got to 47, the more I realized that was NOT what I wanted, much as I HAD wanted a baby. Hang in there, it does get better! (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThank you for this comment. It felt (feels?) so weird to use contraception again. But I really needed to do something differently. I'll reevaluate again later, but I know I'm doing the right thing for myself right now.
DeletePlus, I always like being reminded that it continues to get better.
Thank you :)