Monday, November 7, 2016


I always planned on having children. From the time I was a kid, I dreamed about being a mom. But I also wanted some time to myself, time in between college and having children. Just as much as I dreamed about having children, I dreamed of having my own apartment. No roommates, no boyfriend, no husband. I thought that would be the coolest thing. (And it was!)

I keep a planner. An old fashioned, paper and pencil planner. My family makes fun of me for this. They think I am too rigid and dorky. I just like to write stuff down so I don't have to remember it. Plus, you can only do so much in a day so having a planner helps me to not overschedule myself. Once several things have been written down for one day, I know that day is full.

So I planned on having children. I enjoyed my single years and all the friends and jobs and boyfriends and parties and trips that came with it. I will always be thankful for that time period in my life. I enjoyed dating my husband. I enjoyed getting married. I enjoyed being married. Then we started trying to conceive. And you know how that goes... Not so fun after so much time passes.

I was sad I couldn't get pregnant. One of my sisters said rather rudely to me, "Well you can't plan everything in life." This is the same sister that told me, "You can't have everything." (I'll try to spread out the gems she's shared with me over the years in lots of different posts. They are all zingers on their own and all at once they would add up to a mountain of hurt.)

But why couldn't I plan to get pregnant? What's wrong with that? I was patient and tried for many years. It's not like I had a specific season, month, or date that it had to happen on. I didn't have a preference on gender. I just wanted to get pregnant and have a baby. Like everybody else.

What fault did my sister find in my plan? When she wanted to have a baby, she did. When our other sister wanted to have a baby, she did. When our cousins wanted to have a baby, they did. What was wrong with me planning to have one?

Well, I'm working on other plans now. Something will work out. If something happens and I don't end up graduating from my school program, it won't be the first time I spent time and money on something without receiving the desired outcome. But I will keep trying.

And ultimately I will create a new life for myself. I know plans don't always work out, but I am glad to be looking toward the future.


  1. How rude it is, what your sisters said to you.

    The rudest thing that an (ex) friend of mine said to me was: "Mother Nature knows the best."

    I also keep a pencil & paper planner. I love it! And no matter what the technology brings, I am not giving it up (I just hope they don't stop selling them one day).

    1. Why do people say such rude things? Do they think they're helping? Or are they unhappy people? I don't know...

      I'm not giving up my pencil and planner either! Hahaha. I spend enough time looking at screens. I like my low-tech methods. :)

  2. I love this post so much. Well, the last two paragraphs anyway.

    Oh how I understand the zingers adding up to a mountain of hurt.

    Also, I remember my single days fondly. The days I had a job, my own apartment, and only had to look after myself. With as much as I love hubs and being married, sometimes I miss just being responsible for me.

    1. Thank you! I'm glad you liked the post! For so long, I couldn't see past the cycle I was currently in, so I do not take looking toward the future for granted. It was so hard to crawl out of that depression, but no one else could do it for me. So I'm working hard for a new life because that old one sucked!

      Yeah, people's comments... So. Many. Comments. So many (as in most) of my relationships have drastically changed over the last several years.

      And yeah! The single days!!! Hahaha. They were FUN! :-D

  3. I think that shows a classic lack of empathy from your sister, without even an effort to mask it. "You can't have everything" - the irony of that statement coming from a mother. To most mothers their kids are the centre of their universe, or in other words, their "everything"... So trotting that line out almost invites hollow laughter.
    Almost up there with that meaningless phrase "People don't have the right to have a baby, it's a privilege" or whatever that stupid old chestnut is.
    I too keep written planners and lists for everyone: I don't feel right without them.
    Glad you are looking toward the future and creating a new life! You are the Phoenix :)

    1. And wouldn't you know that that is the sister who is completely obsessed with her kid?? I thought she of all people would somewhat understand my pain, but she has turned out to be the least empathetic. Pretty freaking weird, if you ask me.

      I thought about writing a post of all the terrible things that have been said to me over the years, but I think that would make me feel too crappy to think about all of them at once. So I'll just write them in random posts here and there. But it always drives me crazy when my mom says something like, "Well, people don't mean to hurt your feelings." I've tried to tell her, "Yeah, well you hear one thing one time. I hear lots of things multiple times. It gets really old really quick. I just don't care about people's intentions anymore." Ug.

      Anyway, yes, here's to the new life! Cheers!!! :)))

  4. Ugh, family. :p Unfortunately, we don't get to choose them.

    I still use a Filofax and LOVE it. Just got my 2017 insert in fact, and spent the last few afternoons adding in birthdays & anniversaries, etc. Ready to begin a new year! ;)

    1. Yes!! I love getting my new planner insert every year! Mine goes with the school year (years of being a student and then a teacher and now a student again- I'm just used to operating on the school calendar) so I won't get a new one again until next July or August. But it's still one of my favorite things haha. I share your joy in putting in all the birthdays and anniversaries. :)