Friday, January 27, 2017

Letting Go

It's hard to let go of a lifelong dream, especially one that is so biologically and culturally ingrained. A dream that is so primal. A dream that others cannot let go of for you either. A dream where there feels like there is no room for the alternative in society. Not have kids? What?

I remember being a little girl and my mother telling me that people who don't have kids are weird. I doubt she even remembers saying this, but I remember it stung even though I was only 8 or 9 years old. I immediately thought, but what about all the people who can't have children? Or whose children have passed away? I was born an old soul and my little elementary school heart ached for the people who would be hurt by my mother's thoughtless comment.

But here I am, alive and kicking, without my children. I still think about them every day. Even though they never existed in the physical form on this planet.

I've noticed recently that one of the hardest things for me is pictures of mothers looking into the eyes of their babies. I can't stand to see the newborn pics, with the mom gazing lovingly at their new baby in their arms. I am happy for others, but those pictures cause me a lot of pain.

My school offers 12 free counseling sessions a year to students. I decided I needed a little bit more support. My husband is awesome, the few friends I confide in about infertility are awesome, the blogging community is awesome, but I think I need another place to speak freely. So I went in yesterday for my first appointment. Thankfully, I liked her. She was compassionate and didn't say anything stupid or insensitive.

I am proud of myself for how far I've come. A year ago today I was still living in my children's house. Since then, I've moved, sold the house, and started graduate school. I am happy and content more days than I am sad and questioning. But I still have work to do. And that's okay too.

Letting go of a lifelong dream is hard. 💜

10 comments:

  1. I know...
    Hugs!

    PS: photos of mothers lovingly admiring their newborns still hurt me, even that many years after stopping the treatments.

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    1. I'm sorry Klara. But thank you for continually showing me that I am not alone in my feelings. <3

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  2. I'm so happy for you that you sought out some counseling and that she seems like she wasn't too bad! Overcoming the hurdle and admitting you need counseling is the hardest, but then you have to find a counselor that you fit with...I hope she continues to be great!

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    1. Exactly!! Finding a counselor you click with can be challenging. Years ago I saw someone and I didn't like her from the first meeting but wanted to give her a chance. No. It was a terrible fit for me. I stopped after the 3rd session.

      Ok, well I'm going to complain a little bit... On the 2nd visit it was pouring rain and flooding so I called to cancel and she said she was going to have to charge me because I was canceling last minute. Then on the 3rd visit she called me last minute to see if I could reschedule because she was having childcare issues. ??? Are you kidding me? You just charged me last week when I couldn't come because it wasn't safe to drive and now you're trying to reschedule me, a woman seeking counseling because of infertility, because of your personal problems regarding childcare. Talk about not getting it!!

      Fortunately, the next counselor I saw was a PERFECT fit for me and I saw her for a year and a half until she retired. I learned so much from her and will always be grateful she was in my life.

      So, yes, counseling is great but you definitely have to find the right match! And now this comment has turned into the length of a blog post hahaha...

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  3. Yes, it is hard. And it takes time. But seeing progress is inevitable, and getting help is important and empowering. Good for you!

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    1. Thank you Mail! Progress, not perfection, right? :)

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  4. It's absolutely ok, and really tough process. Good to take advantage of the counseling sessions! It's amazing how helpful a good therapist can be.

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    1. Thank you Stephanie. And I agree!! A good therapist can be very helpful.

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  5. Hello Phoenix just catching up here. You are right to be proud of yourself. I also take note of whether the happy and content days are more numerous than the sad, doubting ones - if they are, that is definitely progress. I used to feel resentful and crap, bitter and disgruntled every single day, until I just didn't - I don't really know what happened, but I just felt better. But I also sometimes still feel like I'd benefit from a decent counsellor. I had a terrible one when I was in the throes of infertility and she put me off forever. Glad you've found one (I did just read your comment above, though - the one who asked if you could reschedule because she was having childcare issues?? BITE ME).

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    1. Hahahaha, right?? That counselor (who worked at the freaking fertility clinic by the way) totally did not get it!!! BITE ME indeed. :-D

      I wasn't going to seek a counselor even though my best friend had suggested it. But then one day my husband flat out told me that I wasn't dealing with things very well and I needed to figure something different out. That's what ultimately prompted me to find someone. I didn't want to drive my marriage into the ground with my grief.

      After that terrible experience with that first counselor, I was so mad and frustrated. That's when my best friend told me that finding a good counselor was like dating, that I was going to have to try a couple before I found one that was a good match. Haha! So true. So I resolved to keep trying until I found someone. Fortunately, I have health insurance. So I looked up who was covered and started going down the list making calls. Some people weren't taking new clients. Others never called me back. However, lucky for me, the second counselor I saw was perfect for me and I saw her for a year and a half until she retired and I started school.

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