Infertility almost broke me. It wore me down and eroded away my self-esteem, my self-confidence, and my belief that anything was ever going to work out again.
I couldn't get pregnant. I couldn't "get over it." My friendships were disappearing. My house was falling apart. I was sleeping too much and eating too little. I was incapable of making the smallest decision. I was unable to enjoy what I did have in life. And I absolutely could not envision any kind of future for myself.
I've written everything in this paragraph before, but when my fifth fertility treatment did not result in pregnancy (3 IUIs & 2 IVFs), I knew I was done. It was time to figure out how to climb out of my deep, dark, and lonely well. But first I took a week to just cry and stare at the wall. After that I decided to move. I could no longer live in the house I bought for my children. By chance, I saw a video that inspired me and I decided to apply to graduate school. I got in, we moved, we sold our house, and school started. And I hated it. The rental house had plumbing problems, rendering the kitchen useless, and school SUCKED.
At my wit's end, with nothing working out, I started a blog.
And with that blog, I started receiving some much needed encouragement. I received so much care, so much UNDERSTANDING, from complete strangers and I really started to heal.
I debated quitting school and just impractically running away somewhere, anywhere with my husband, but then I remembered things like the car payment and the electric bill would need to be paid wherever we went. So I stayed. I decided I'd rather fail out than quit school, so I kept waking up in the morning, showering, getting dressed, and showing up.
But I was pretty sure I was going to fail. My school program is in the healthcare field and I don't feel like I have a science-y, biology-inclined brain. I'm great with people, not so much with dry textbooks. It was an uphill battle. Not only was school extremely difficult, but I was still grieving. And grief manifests in many different ways physically: fatigue, apathy, stomach aches, inability to concentrate (just to name a few).
After completing my first semester and making it halfway through the second semester?
I have been inducted into my future profession's honor society!!!!!
I am giddy with joy.
I am proud of myself.
I am thankful for your encouragement.
I am experiencing a very weird and foreign concept: success!
As I've written before, I will keep going. :)