Saturday, March 4, 2017

Success? What is this foreign concept?

Infertility almost broke me. It wore me down and eroded away my self-esteem, my self-confidence, and my belief that anything was ever going to work out again.

I couldn't get pregnant. I couldn't "get over it." My friendships were disappearing. My house was falling apart. I was sleeping too much and eating too little. I was incapable of making the smallest decision. I was unable to enjoy what I did have in life. And I absolutely could not envision any kind of future for myself.

I've written everything in this paragraph before, but when my fifth fertility treatment did not result in pregnancy (3 IUIs & 2 IVFs), I knew I was done. It was time to figure out how to climb out of my deep, dark, and lonely well. But first I took a week to just cry and stare at the wall. After that I decided to move. I could no longer live in the house I bought for my children. By chance, I saw a video that inspired me and I decided to apply to graduate school. I got in, we moved, we sold our house, and school started. And I hated it. The rental house had plumbing problems, rendering the kitchen useless, and school SUCKED.

At my wit's end, with nothing working out, I started a blog.

And with that blog, I started receiving some much needed encouragement. I received so much care, so much UNDERSTANDING, from complete strangers and I really started to heal.

I debated quitting school and just impractically running away somewhere, anywhere with my husband, but then I remembered things like the car payment and the electric bill would need to be paid wherever we went. So I stayed. I decided I'd rather fail out than quit school, so I kept waking up in the morning, showering, getting dressed, and showing up.

But I was pretty sure I was going to fail. My school program is in the healthcare field and I don't feel like I have a science-y, biology-inclined brain. I'm great with people, not so much with dry textbooks. It was an uphill battle. Not only was school extremely difficult, but I was still grieving. And grief manifests in many different ways physically: fatigue, apathy, stomach aches, inability to concentrate (just to name a few).

And now?
After completing my first semester and making it halfway through the second semester?

Drumroll please...

I have been inducted into my future profession's honor society!!!!!

I am giddy with joy.
I am proud of myself.
I am thankful for your encouragement.

I am experiencing a very weird and foreign concept: success!

As I've written before, I will keep going. :)



  1. I am very happy for you!
    lots of love from sLOVEnia,

    1. Thank you Klara! Your encouragement has meant so much to me!!

  2. That's awesome! Congratulations!

    Though you know that I think you were a success just starting something new, and living life, after infertility. That's what I think people forget. That our lives are success stories after so much disappointment.

    1. Thank you Mail! You make a very very very good point!!

  3. I'm having a hard time commenting on your blog. Have you consider adding "name/link" option in the "comment as" drop-down? More
    importantly, congrats on this achievement! I'm so excited for you. I relate to a lot of what you write here. Congrats, again! -S from

    1. Thank you!

      And thank you for your suggestion. I am not that great with computers and writing a blog, even anonymously, is way outside of my comfort zone. I need to take a tutorial or something to figure out all the features I can incorporate into my blog. But I usually blog as a study break, because I just don't have much time. My life is study, sleep, eat, and repeat. Blog at least once a week. Try to exercise every now and then. But I will look into your suggestion!

  4. I'm sorry if my previous Google handle was triggering. My womb has not been fruitful in four years and four months. Naming my Google handle that was me speaking it into existence. It's also the old name of my ministry. I'm sorry if it was hurtful to you. I enjoy reading your blog. You articulate things/thoughts/feelings that I've had a hard time articulating on my own. When I read them here, I think "yes, me, too." I'm glad this blog is giving your story a voice and it's helping others as well.

    1. Not a problem at all! :) I'm glad I've written things that have been helpful. You are definitely not alone; none of us are. It just feels that way a lot of the times. <3

  5. Replies
    1. Thank you Loribeth!! Your blog has helped me a lot. <3