Wednesday, March 14, 2018

"But you lost your children."

I was having lunch with a friend yesterday. We worked together, oh wow, fifteen years ago (time freakin' flies) and always stayed in touch. She knows my story. She also has two boys of her own that I have watched grow from young elementary school kids to young men in their early twenties.

We were talking about my upcoming move, which has been a plan almost three years in the making. She is sad I'm moving but understands why. I had a different life planned for here. Now I'm going to live a different life somewhere else, somewhere that offers me more of what I'm looking for. My current place is a great place to raise children, but now I'm looking for a place that offers more things that appeal to me.

There are various groups throughout the world, though not nearly enough, designated for women without children. I haven't found one where I currently live, but I did find one where I plan to move. I was excitedly telling my friend about it, saying I can meet these women, invest my time in getting to know them, and know that they won't be having children which would then take our lives in different directions.

As she was listening, my friend said, "But you lost your children."

Wow. I stopped mid-conversation. I had never had something like that said to me.

What she meant was that I wanted children and the women in this group might be childless by choice. She was concerned that I still wouldn't find the connection I was looking for. That never crossed my mind, but I thought it was incredibly thoughtful of her. I explained that these women get together regularly for happy hours, fun excursions, and volunteer activities. I said a lot of them are probably childless by choice, but I bet there's at least one or two that were in a situation like mine, worked through it, and resolved to live a life without parenting. Then she got it, understanding that it was a social group and not a support group, and she was very excited for me.

But back to her comment. My previous post was about how fertile people never seem to get it and here was my friend who has two sons that she loves with all of her heart saying the most true thing that has ever been said to me: I did indeed lose my children. It was so validating to hear it from her and my heart swelled with joy that someone outside of me understood my experience in these terms.

I could barely believe my ears. I haven't even heard as much as an "I'm sorry" from a fertile friend or family member and here was my friend expressing my loss for what it really was. I was in awe and I was so grateful. And it was a nice contrast from what we are all so used to hearing that I just had to share it with you.

12 comments:

  1. What a precious moment, Phoenix. I'm glad you have a friend who got it! Her understanding actually brought tears to my eyes. Also, I love your plans of moving. They sound just perfect :-)!

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    1. Thank you Elaine. I'm nervous about moving. I kind of wish I could just skip forward six months, but I don't want to wish my life away! :)

      And I am so grateful for my friend and what she said. We never hear anything like that so I had to tell everyone here, so we could all enjoy a moment of feeling understood.

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  2. That was a beautiful thing to say. I'm glad you have a friend in your life who's able to understand!

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    1. She's an awesome friend (obviously), but, even knowing how awesome she is, her comment blew me away. In a good way! <3

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  3. How lovely. Did you tell her how much it meant to you?

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    1. I didn't. I think I was in shock in the moment. It was only after reflecting on our lunch that I realized how monumental her comment was. I will definitely share with her how much it meant to me the next time we get together.

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    1. Me too!! I wish more people had her level of understanding.

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  5. Sounds like she's a keeper!! :)

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    1. Definitely!! I love it when people "get it." To feel understood is priceless.

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  6. What a wonderful friend, honestly. To have that understanding of your loss and the watching out for your heart in your new place with this new group...priceless. I loved this: "It was so validating to hear it from her and my heart swelled with joy that someone outside of me understood my experience in these terms."

    Maybe you could write a little card to tell her how much that meant to you, and how much you value her friendship. Real personal mail is so rare that it would really share with her just how much she touched you. :)

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    1. That is such a great idea!!! Thank you! I will send her a card in the mail. What she said really was above and beyond anything I've ever heard.

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