Well, it finally happened. I cried at work.
I figured this would happen sometime... Turns out, yesterday was the day. And it really took me by surprise. I'm thankful no one saw me except for my classmate that is at the site with me. I mean, there's no shame if anyone else had seen me, but I'm glad they didn't.
A staff member's mother brought the staff member's two kids to work for a visit. And the staff member was going around and introducing her kids to everyone. Her daughters were 2 and 5, the same ages my kids would be right now if they had gotten to exist. And of course they were cute. Because all 2 and 5 year olds are cute. (In my opinion. I'm a kid person.)
Like I said, it took me by surprise. I had no idea they were coming and then all of a sudden BAM they were right there. Along with everyone's excitement to see them and meet them and talk about how cute they are and how they look like their mom and isn't motherhood the greatest?? Blah blah blah.
I was blindsided. I quickly looked down. I tried to focus on my work. It was futile. After two hours of this (okay, it was two minutes, but it felt like hours), they left and, by chance, so did everyone else. I was alone in the room with my thoughts and my tears. I was trying to hold them in. I just didn't want to cry at work. I didn't want to cry and I sure as hell wasn't going to explain why I was crying. So I did some deep breathing but there was no fighting it. The tears escaped. So I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. That didn't help. I told myself it was okay to feel whatever I was feeling but if my body could just hold off on the crying until I got home that would be great.
Somehow, by some unknown reason the room where I work, which is always busy with people, was empty for a good ten minutes during my episode. By the time people came back, my eyes were white (not red) and dry again.
But the next day I brought eye drops to keep at work.
In case/for the next time my eyes get red from crying.
Sending huge hugs. Just when we think we're doing well, we get caught out. I'm sorry you experienced this. Next time it'll be that tiny bit easier.
ReplyDeleteThank you. <3
DeleteI'm so sorry...that sounds so tough. I am grateful that your busy room was empty during your cry. Sometimes you just can't hold it in, and I'm glad that you were gifted the space to let your feelings leak down your face without having to answer questions, and it was the kind of cry that releases but also doesn't leave an imprint on your face. These sneak attack moments are awful. Sending you love and a big fat hug.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Yes, I'm very thankful I was gifted with space. <3
DeleteDear Phoenix, I am so sorry to read that and I send you huge hugs too! It is quite a coincidence because I just published a post where I also describe a similar situation where my "protection mechanism" broke. Although I feel that I am already managing my situation much better than I used to, sometimes my wound gets open out of the blue and I cannot hold back my tears. I hope that time will help us healing!
ReplyDeleteI am managing so much better than I was several years ago, but, yep, that moment caught me off guard. <3
DeleteIt seems like these moments always sneak up on us when we least expect it. Glad you were able to have some privacy to deal with your feelings. I was lucky that my cubicle was near a back entry, and if needed, I could sneak out to the washroom, or downstairs for an early coffee break/lunch, to get away from those unexpected visitors. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteIt was a sneaky moment! Thank God I miraculously had a moment to myself right after that... <3
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