My current clinical rotation is in a facility where the majority of the population is geriatric. I am learning a lot, and I love to hear about my patients' lives. What I've noticed though is that not many of them talk about their kids. Of course, some of them are proud parents and like to share stories, but, surprisingly, the majority of my patients don't talk about their kids if they have them.
I guess what I'm saying is that, to every (fertile) person who wonders who will take care of me when I am old, kids aren't insurance.
One patient recovering from surgery shared how she had to kick her 30-something-year-old son out of the house right before going into the hospital because she could no longer tolerate his alcoholism and everything that came with that.
One patient (whom I wrote about in "Stupid Question" last month) doesn't have kids but spoke lovingly of her nephews. (I have already given my nephew a heads up that I am counting on him haha. Lucky for me, he is a nurse.)
One patient tearfully told me how her son has power of attorney and that he put her husband in a place for people with Alzheimer's. However, she doesn't know where that place is and she hasn't seen her husband in over a month. She wants to return to their home so they can live together like they used to. "But I guess that will never happen again," she said. She seemed so heartbroken over her husband and confused about where she would live in the future.
Another patient complained about her children, saying they were not nice people and that's not how she raised them to be.
One man told me about his son but he lives several states away.
One woman talked about her daughter who lives in the same city, but her daughter has to work and also raise her children so she is not able to come visit as much as the mother would like.
So many patients and so few visitors. So few pictures, now that I think about it.
So few stories shared.
This sounds a little depressing, which is not my intention. My patients, for the most part, have a good attitude and a desire to get better. I just think that whoever has kids expecting them to live nearby, visit often, and take care of them when they are older may be in for some disappointment in the future. Having kids doesn't guarantee that they will take care of you in your later years.
That is sad, although good that your patients have a good attitude and a desire to get better. It's true that kids aren't insurance. Maybe it's a weird blessing in disguise that we have to make alternate plans and figure out late-life care ourselves, because we know we won't have people to count on for us, rather than counting on them, and having them disappoint. A sort-of-tarnished-silver-lining?
ReplyDeleteI think there are a lot of hidden blessings in our lives that we didn't choose, lives where we are living without our children. And one of those blessings is that we have the foresight to plan for our future without counting on our children to take care of us.
DeleteTwo of my great aunts come to mind. One on my grandfather's side wanted to live by her sons, but her sons left home and never came back. One lives on the east coast and the other on the west coast. When she asked them why they didn't move back home, they would say, "I'm sorry mom, but we had to go where our careers took us. We have to live where our jobs are." And the other aunt is on my grandmother's side. Four sons and none lived where she did. She dreamed of one of them moving back home, but they were scattered across the country. Now widowed and unable to live by herself anymore, she relocated to an assisted living facility near one of her sons. So she is near one of her children now, but she is uprooted from her longtime home. (Don't worry. She is an amazing woman and has so many positive things to point out about her new place. She said it's hard to start over and make new friends at 90, but she is happy where she is.)
You're absolutely right. Kids are not insurance.
ReplyDeleteI had a conversation with a BIL last year. He jokes (ie he thinks its funny) that his kids will have to live near him, or with him, when he's old. He doesn't see the irony that he recently chose to live in another country than close to his parents. It would be karma if his kids treat him the way he has treated his parents.
I often do not understand parents and their expectations. They seem surprised when their kids grow up, and then they seem offended when their children create their own lives for themselves.
DeleteOh, your BIL... Not even able to see his own hypocrisy...
It's not depressing, it's helpful for people like me. I'm sure we all have spiraling thoughts about ending up on our own, and I for one need to be reminded that it's not all rosy between parents & kids. I try to always remind myself of the dysfunctional parent-adult child relationships in my own extended family, and that many adult offspring feel at best ambivalent towards their ageing parents. I know two who have voiced the words, after a long rant about the parent, "We're just waiting for him/her to die". The machinations that some go through to avoid having the parent at Christmas, for example, are noteworthy... I think we often forget these things and tend to think that just the actual physical fact of having children somewhere will insure against loneliness (I'm guilty of this), when of course it's an absolute fallacy. Reports from the horse's mouth like this post are so important (not calling you a horse there, you know what I mean haha).
ReplyDeleteHahaha, I'm familiar with the phrase and don't think you're calling me a horse. But really, what's wrong with horses? Nothing! :)
DeleteYes, these reminders are good for me too. When I picture my children, it's easy to imagine them loving me and loving the same books and games as me and wanting to do the same activities as me. I picture this idyllic future where we are all one big happy family forever and ever. Hahaha that is sooo not reality. What if my children didn't like me? What if, despite my darndest in raising them, they chose to have completely different (and conflicting) beliefs than me? There's just so much out of a parent's control. Practically everything...
I intend and hope to make strong friendships with women. Statistically speaking, most of us will outlive our husbands. So then we can gather and live together and all take care of each other, capitalizing on each person's strengths and what they can do for our community. (And those women that are single and/or not heterosexual are obviously welcome to join, as they will be living longer as well.)
Dear Phoenix, I agree with you, kids are no insurance. I think some parents place in their children a lot of hopes and expectations, even without noticing it. It would probably help to think about it in order to be sure to have children just for what they are, but it is not always easy especially for people who became parents without waiting some time...
ReplyDeleteI agree! Without even noticing it, parents put so many hopes and expectations on their kids. And I love how you phrased that. I wish all parents would "have children just for what they are." Each child is their own person and they are allowed to be children and then they are allowed to grow up and they are allowed to live their own lives.
DeleteI enjoyed reading this post and the comments and generally agree, yet I think in an ideal society we would honor elders and have a robust care system for them, as well as ways for them to share their wisdom and stories.
ReplyDeleteAgreed!! Elders should be honored and cared for, and they should have ways to share their wisdom and stories. I am feeling this even more as I work with older adult patients and get to know them and their lives. We are missing so much as a society.
DeleteYou make an excellent point, Phoenix. There are a lot of lonely old people in these facilities. :( Sometimes it can't be helped (as when kids move far away for work opportunities), but sometimes they live nearby but are "too busy." It's sad.
ReplyDelete