Sunday, August 18, 2019

Back To Work/School

I've gone back to work, which means I'm around people again, which means I'm surrounded by fertile conversations again. And, full disclosure, I've returned to my first career: teaching. So that means I am working with fertile co-workers, kids, and their parents again.

To put it lightly, there is NO WAY I could have returned to teaching any earlier than August 2019. And I would not return if it was in any way detrimental to my mental health with regard to my recovery from infertility.

But here I am. By choice. Feeling thankful and enthusiastic.

I don't want a baby anymore. I *wanted* kids, but they didn't come. I am not raising children in my home. Not in this lifetime.

But as I have spent years grieving and crying and sitting in depression, thinking about allllllll of the things I was missing by not getting to raise children, I thought about all of the reasons why I wanted to be a mother. And it was the gritty stuff I wanted. The late nights, the sick times, helping with homework, supporting after school activities... And, well, I can do half of those things as a teacher.

Like I said, I spent yearsss grieving. I let my feelings come, I let them stay, I let them go. I sat in nothingness for endless days, weeks, months. I didn't know what to do so I did nothing. And that was fine. That was part of my process.

And now, at least today anyway, I am here. No, I don't have kids. No, I am not a mom. But I love teaching. And I love kids. And it finally doesn't hurt to be around them. In fact, now I can enjoy working with kids and then also enjoy going home to do whatever I want.

Just chalk it up to another thing post-infertility that I didn't see coming... :)

6 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you can enjoy the kids, and also enjoy your freedom after work. I think there's a lot we don't see coming post-infertility. And the lack of pain is probably the one of the biggest and best things!

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    1. Such a good point Mali!! Living without each day being painful is definitely one of the biggest and best things I didn't see coming post-infertility.

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  2. "I let my feelings come, I let them stay, I let them go. I sat in nothingness for endless days, weeks, months." You may just have found the perfect words for this phase, I think!

    You have come such a long way, Phoenix. I am glad you were able to return to teaching and actually *like* it :-).

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    1. Thank you Elaine. I'm still tired and I actually hate the "back to school" period, but I'm just so content and grateful to be where I am and doing what I'm going to do for the next year. Teaching is hard, but at least I know what I'm doing some of the time. (Unlike the past 8+ years of my life where I didn't feel competent at anything)

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  3. I'm so glad you've reached a point in your life where you could return to teaching. I hope you & your students have a great year!

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    1. Thank you! The well wishes are much appreciated! :)

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