Sometimes I get sad. Like today. When an innocent comment was made to me by a co-worker.
I didn't realize it in the moment. I mean, I heard the comment and brushed it off. I've grown used to people taking their fertility for granted. But then the rest of my day very slowly spiraled down.
I've cried twice. I've been so sad. It's not just what I lost; it's what I never had. It's the lack of memories and the lack of experiences. Simple things that other people take for granted. Like buying new shoes for their kids.
I've spent the latter half of the day in a funk. I've been touchy and snappy. I tried analyzing the funk. I tried just observing it. Then I went back to analyzing it. Then I took a break.
And then it rose to the surface--when the day changed for me. I stayed late to get some help from a co-worker who didn't end up being able to help me. So it was a bit of wasted time after an already long day and, on top of it, I now realize that she is a Mommy, a woman who prattles on about her kids and all of the privileged problems that come with having children.
Okay.
Realized and noted.
This kind, wants-to-be-helpful woman is not who I need to spend any extra time with.
Good to know. I'm low on emotional resources, and it's okay that I got so sad today.
Sometimes it happens.
I am sorry to hear this, dear Phoenix. It is hard to be disappointed this way, especially after a long day. Sending hugs!
ReplyDeleteThank you Elaine. <3 I already feel better today, but just rereading what I wrote yesterday reminded me of how I felt. I was really sad. Today I heard a comment or two. It's really inevitable when you work in a school. But they didn't bother me or bring me down. I'm learning to be more patient with myself on the "off" days.
DeleteIt's interesting how sometimes we can brush something off in the moment, but it stays with us and festers. I'm really sorry you are hearing these comments, and I hope your self-care has helped you recover somewhat. Sending love.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting. Some days the most thoughtless comment doesn't even phase me, whereas another day a very mild comment will sting. I now have enough experience with grief to know that the tough moments/days will pass and that it's okay that I feel sad sometimes. Thank you Mali <3
Deletedear Phoenix, I know... even when we are doing already very well, a comment reminds us that healing after the infertility is a long process.
ReplyDeleteSending you a big hug and lots of love from sLOVEnia,
Klara
Thank you Klara. <3 I always love hearing from you. I hope all is well with you in beautiful Slovenia!
DeleteThese days sneak up on you, and I'm sorry. It's so hard when you feel Other, differences highlighted, wounds opened. Teaching is tough because it can be a conduit to these feelings, and it is physically and emotionally exhausting which tends to weaken defenses. Sending you love!
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly what happened to me. I was low on resources due to exhaustion. Teaching is so tough, especially at the beginning of the year. Thank you for the love! :)
DeleteDear Phoenix, I'm so sorry to read that you had this sad day. Even when we have progressed a lot in our grieve, those days happen. Maybe the difference with before is that we accept it and can be confident that the sadness will eventually go away. Sending hugs!
ReplyDeleteSo true!! I can accept the sad days now. I don't like having them. Who does? But sadness doesn't take up long-term residence like it used to. It passes now. Thank you! <3
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