There are no special children in my life. I hear and read about other people saying how they enjoy being an aunt or having a special relationship with a friend's child. In my experience, that only leads to me getting hurt.
I am an aunt, and I am happy to be an aunt. But my niece and nephew are already grown. When they were children, my older sisters did not include me in their activities together. It was always the four of them: my sisters, my niece, and my nephew. It was never the five of us. In my experience, mothers are very exclusive.
Now my niece and nephew are grown and I do have a good relationship with them, but I am never going to be the person they call to share their good news with. I recently had a milestone birthday and didn't hear from my niece. I heard secondhand that my nephew just moved across the country. It sucks to always feel forgotten. So I keep moving on with my own life, creating joy, meaning, and connections in my own little spot.
When I was married, I was excited to have a chance to be an aunt again. But it was just the same story all over again. My two sisters-in-law would get together with their daughters all of the time for fun outings. I was never invited. At family functions, it almost seemed like they tried to keep their children away from me. After one misunderstanding (my brother-in-law thought I called the police on him for a loud party... uh WHAT, I would never ever do that, not for a party), two of my nieces were no longer allowed to even talk to me. I didn't want to get the girls in trouble with their parents so I kept my distance. To say the least, my ex-in-laws were not nice people and now I never have to see them again.
I thought I would get that special relationship with a friend's daughter. When she called to tell me she was pregnant, I literally screamed with happiness. I was at her baby shower and every single birthday party. Until I wasn't. I think I've written about it before, but nothing hurt me like that instance of being forgotten.
My friend's daughter's sixth birthday was coming up. I had gone to my favorite toy store, one of those kinds that barely exists anymore. Full of stuffed animals, dress up clothes, books, wooden toys, creative games... No commercial characters in sight and hardly any plastic. It was a painful place for me to go except when it made me happy to go there and shop for my friend's daughter. I always had to give myself a budget or else I would've really gone overboard. So I spent some time and carefully selected several different presents to buy. I was excited and went shopping a month before her actual birthday. And then... I saw pictures of the girl's birthday party on social media. I hadn't even been invited. When I looked at the pictures and saw who was in attendance, I quickly realized that everyone at the party was a parent. My friend didn't even think to invite me. I gave one of the presents to a girl I was volunteering with at the time and I threw away the others. I never went to another kid's birthday party again, and I haven't even seen that particular friend in years.
It is not safe for me to get my hopes up and think I am going to have a special relationship with anyone's children. For me, it only leads to pain.
Thank you, infertility, for giving me life's hardest lessons, especially the tough but necessary lessons on maintaining healthy boundaries for myself. I am so unbreakably strong now. Setbacks barely phase me. I have an invincibility that I never asked for. If you ask anyone in my life now, they would probably tell you that I am the happiest, most positive person they know. And it's true. I've earned it.
I am so sorry, Phoenix... especially about that birthday party. Mega-OUCH. :( Some parents can definitely be very exclusive. If I want to be generous, I would say that I just don't think it occurs to some parents that we'd be interested in outings with their children. Maybe not, but it would be nice to be given the choice. We have pretty good relationships with our two nephews, but I feel sad when I think back to when they were little. We've always been there for the big events -- birthdays, first communion & confirmation, high school graduation -- but we didn't get invited to sports events or to go trick or treating with them on Halloween, etc., and I only ever had the one nephew for a sleepover once. I don't think it occurred to their parents that we'd be interested, and we didn't ask, partly because I think we just assumed we'd be doing those things with our own children someday. By the time we realized kids were not in the cards for us, and had emerged enough from the fog of grief to want to do these things with our nephews, they were almost fully grown up and it was too late. Hoping for a do-over with THEIR kids someday!
ReplyDeleteOh, Phoenix, I'm so sorry. That is a big fat OUCH, right there. I know it happens, but I don't get why nonparents are left out of events. I'm sorry you've had such crap experiences with neices and nephews, that stinks. I'm glad you have survived all this and can be positive despite the many wounds.
ReplyDeleteOh, I am so sorry about this :-( It must have been heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteI only have very few "special" children in my life. They are the children of friends who know and understand my story. And now that I have moved on, I can build a relationship with a child without wanting to make out of him a substitute for my own child, which is better for me and for him. But it was a long way to arrive there. And a tiny bit of risk always remains...
I must have missed this when you posted it. Sorry! Yes, it reminds me of hearing about the "fish and chip picnics" friends had regularly with other families. We would have loved to have had such gatherings with our friends and their kids - we always bought them presents, the kids loved us and we loved them, and we've had been happy to get together unwrapping a big serving of fish and chips for all of us on the floor! But years later, when my friend split from her husband, she said, densely, "I know now that's why you stepped away from us?" or something along those lines. I denied it, but couldn't bring myself to say, "YOU abandoned us." Sigh.
ReplyDelete